Alopecia World
www.alopeciaworld.com
This is negative. If you're looking for something more positive, don't read!
Im finding this harder the longer it goes on
Im sick of the looks i get,
Im sick of doctors telling that my problem is in my head and that other people dont notice,
im sick of having to not draw attention to myself
" " " not having confidence
having to explain that its not cancer
sweating,ie my hair on my head used to absorb it, now if im doing any sort of work or if someone asks an awkward question which makes me fluster and get hot under the collar the sweat beads and runs straight down my forehead which is very embarrasing and makes me look like i sweat profously which i dont its just that there is no hair to stop it beading and running
im sick of not being able to go to the gym
im sick of always being the oddest one out
people with no problems always goin on about them
getting special treatment,its only out of pity
im sick of my reflection
im sick of kids asking me whats wrong
im sick of the fact i cant really create an expression with my face and eyebrows anymore
im sick of the fact that i hate how i look in photos,such a strained smile but you can always see the sadness in the eyes
im sick of just being sad,if i never had hair i probably wouldn't mind as much but the fact i had it for 25 years and am the type of person who when i had it would have been the fucker making the remarks.(my own worst enemy)
im sick of smart arsed psychologists who went through school with excellent grades, collage with the tag of being a psychologist ,probably never had to worry about women or money or ever had any real confidence issues,How is a guy like that supposed to give me advice on my life which is constructed upon a completly different set of experiences which he probably has no experience of?
Im sick of writing this
im sick of the guilt of having to drag my girlfriend through this
Im sick of not having a plan
im sick of hating myself and this weight,its actually causing me to hunch over
im sick of knowing there is no god and nothing after death cause it makes the argument to stay alive less convincing
sick of it all -sick of it all the song just sprung to mind
im sick of wondering do i need help because of my lack of confidence in myself,ive done this drug and not too much drink free and have only been to one psychologist whom i really didn't like- im actually proud of this
im sick of worrying my poor mother,im her only son and i can see the heartbreak in her face
im sick of my poor old man through this he is old school and really doesn;t know what to say but tries anyway
Im sick of scaring off my sis's potentiat boyfriends
Just fuckin sick of it ,everything i want i cant have because it draws attention to me which just doesn't work for a fella with no eyebrows
im sick of people on this site being so fukin positive,here i am again second guessing myself. am i wrong for not being able to see any positives to this or is everyone who gives out about this blog just fooling themselves and looking for a light .
I understand everyone will deal with their alopica differently, i obviously havent dealt with mine. I will also agree that i need someone to help me But i want someone who has had experience with alopecia on a personal level to treat me which i haven't came across yet. This blog is of the darker nature and i offer no apologies to anyone whom it depressed or offended ,im just saying whats on my mind and if you can relate to that great- or not so,i dont know anymore
Im sick of the looks i get,
Im sick of doctors telling that my problem is in my head and that other people dont notice,
im sick of having to not draw attention to myself
" " " not having confidence
having to explain that its not cancer
sweating,ie my hair on my head used to absorb it, now if im doing any sort of work or if someone asks an awkward question which makes me fluster and get hot under the collar the sweat beads and runs straight down my forehead which is very embarrasing and makes me look like i sweat profously which i dont its just that there is no hair to stop it beading and running
im sick of not being able to go to the gym
im sick of always being the oddest one out
people with no problems always goin on about them
getting special treatment,its only out of pity
im sick of my reflection
im sick of kids asking me whats wrong
im sick of the fact i cant really create an expression with my face and eyebrows anymore
im sick of the fact that i hate how i look in photos,such a strained smile but you can always see the sadness in the eyes
im sick of just being sad,if i never had hair i probably wouldn't mind as much but the fact i had it for 25 years and am the type of person who when i had it would have been the fucker making the remarks.(my own worst enemy)
im sick of smart arsed psychologists who went through school with excellent grades, collage with the tag of being a psychologist ,probably never had to worry about women or money or ever had any real confidence issues,How is a guy like that supposed to give me advice on my life which is constructed upon a completly different set of experiences which he probably has no experience of?
Im sick of writing this
im sick of the guilt of having to drag my girlfriend through this
Im sick of not having a plan
im sick of hating myself and this weight,its actually causing me to hunch over
im sick of knowing there is no god and nothing after death cause it makes the argument to stay alive less convincing
sick of it all -sick of it all the song just sprung to mind
im sick of wondering do i need help because of my lack of confidence in myself,ive done this drug and not too much drink free and have only been to one psychologist whom i really didn't like- im actually proud of this
im sick of worrying my poor mother,im her only son and i can see the heartbreak in her face
im sick of my poor old man through this he is old school and really doesn;t know what to say but tries anyway
Im sick of scaring off my sis's potentiat boyfriends
Just fuckin sick of it ,everything i want i cant have because it draws attention to me which just doesn't work for a fella with no eyebrows
im sick of people on this site being so fukin positive,here i am again second guessing myself. am i wrong for not being able to see any positives to this or is everyone who gives out about this blog just fooling themselves and looking for a light .
I understand everyone will deal with their alopica differently, i obviously havent dealt with mine. I will also agree that i need someone to help me But i want someone who has had experience with alopecia on a personal level to treat me which i haven't came across yet. This blog is of the darker nature and i offer no apologies to anyone whom it depressed or offended ,im just saying whats on my mind and if you can relate to that great- or not so,i dont know anymore
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Comment by pat j madden on February 26, 2011 at 6:07pm
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Thanks Loenore but i tried the whole worling out routine and understand how physical exercise and exertion releases hormones which make us feel good. I would work out daily and feel good but have nowhere to feel good and appreciated for it so slowly but surely my drive depleted-im 6-7 years into this and have tried everything i can think of.You sound like a lovely positive person and its reassuring to know there is people like you out there but in my little bubble of life over here im just about coming to my wits end
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Comment by Tallgirl on February 26, 2011 at 6:13pm
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Wow. If you typed this sober, I definitely advise you not to do any typing while drunk!
Well, I have had AA, AT and AU since 1963...so I guess I qualify as an expert. I have NEVER run into a psychologist who got this, because this is like the loss of a body part...but, I found decent understanding and help at cancer workshops at hospitals, or at grief workshops.
We women can get wigs to hold any sweat...but then, some of us just don't go near heat, gyms, or places where heat would occur. Maybe you could change/learn activities, wear a cap, etc. I also changed states and friends, and have just eliminated negative, judgmental groups from my life. Why MUST you be by those people who bother you? Take every one of your complaints and list 5 opposites, as if from the viewpoint of a third party. Your wisest inner self may have an answer from the five choices for each gripe. Later, make a new list of "to-do" items from the ones you highlight. That could be a way to make a plan.
Who are you really mad at...or what are you mad at? Seems to me that if you do not like all these people/places/situations now...what would you have to lose to try totally new people/places/activities? The only way to go is up. I don't know how old you are, but I would imagine someone so self-aware also has the potential to learn a lot about others as well. Why not listen and watch others awhile, almost like a course for yourself. Give yourself an A every time you can compliment another, go through a situation keeping silent about self-doubts but vocal about laughs, appreciation of others' talents and jokes, etc. I met a great person on this site because I noticed his heartfelt response to others, ability to laugh at himself, find the lighter side, and coax a smile out of those who were depressed. He rarely discusses any self-doubts or gets on himself for faux pas in conversations, although he surely must have those, too.
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I will now add the part that seemed to get cut out three times when I posted.
My dad told us a story about one of his teen dates, who was counting quietly while he talked (in the '40s): "1...2...3...4..." until he finally asked her what she was doing. She said, "Oh, I was just counting how many times you said "I' or "me." He never tired of telling us this story when teaching us how to keep friends in our lives. Get it?
Sometimes you can draw others to you by giving a coffee, time together (without mopey talk about alopecia, eye-rolling, grimaces, slumps, clicks, moans, etc. Imagine being with yourself. Practice conversations and smiles in a mirror.) or a gift to thank them for something they did that you appreciated. Case in point: girlfriend. She must have had some times where she was special to you, yes? See if you can NOT mention yourself for a month, or change the topic to a positive thing you are going to do..then, DO IT.
Think of what others you admire would say or do. Pastors, rabbis, world leaders, innovators, coaches, movie stars (but not D. Trump: he has his own issues. But at least he is confident about his choice.). What would Bruce Willis do, even if broke and sweaty? We remember for for how they handle themselves...how are you being remembered, and how can you change that?
What helped me (and hard to find) was Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis. I read it three times...see if it is on Amazon. He did Rational-Emotive Therapy, and his viewpoint turned me around when I was mega-emotional with alopecia in college. I started to be more practical about myself and my expectations of how others "should" treat me. Anyway, after losing what I typed three times, I'd better stop now. Hope this helps.
--Alopecian, teacher, past self-awareness facilitator
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Thanks tallgirl for the heartfelt repou are realy ,you sound like you are really accustomed to this which is what i have to do guess,forget the past and look toward the future,its just that i really dont like this future,my whole brain spent 25 years basically wiring itsellf for a life with hair and i just am finding the tunnel getting longer and the light getting fainter. A house and mortguage and a devoted woman means that movement around this island of 4mil and 5 alopecians is restricted so thats not an option,im afraid to have kids because of the obvious,so should i let this woman go to fulfill her life to the fullest or should i drag her down with me?
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i really should check my spulling
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Comment by Dominique Cleopatra on February 26, 2011 at 9:26pm
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Pat you're really hot and your girlfriend is beautiful. I know looks aren't everything but you definitely have a hot bod, rock the Bruce Willis look and go on with your bad self! By the way I've been depressed lately too!
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Comment by Angie on February 26, 2011 at 9:41pm
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Dominique you told Pat the truth. I love bold man. I wanted to tell how sexy bold man are, but I did want to upset Pat. Sometimes people think man should not care if they go bald, but man love their hair too and get depress about it. But they sure are sexy! :-). Hey Pat! we love you and care about you. @ Dominique- I think it's about of alopecia the ups and downs of feeling depressed. I too feel down sometimes, I seem to have more burning and more spots when I'm stressed out. My eyebrows are itching now. I'm going to buy some from Coverhead.com
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None of my kids nor grandson has alopecia, and I have had all types of it. Even if you say, oh, so-and-so only has AA, so there is not much chance of kids getting it, you just don't know. It is probably genetic, and maybe anyone will have it show up later in life (my kids are over 20, though, and never had spots)...but maybe not. They are still trying to find out about how all this works. You would have to be strong for your kids, no matter what; they may get something else in life, you know. Time for you to get solid with who YOU are if you are child-bearing age. You never know when you might get pregnant. Just find love, okay?
And if you are SO stressed out about hair loss, then get a dang hat or hairpiece! It could be fun for awhile! Once you get your confidence back, then try hatless again. I saw you pic, and I think you look just fine. Your girlfriend probably thinks so too.
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:-) We love you Tallgirl!
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Comment by JeffreySF on February 26, 2011 at 11:43pm
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Hi Pat,
I'm sorry you are having a pisser of a day. I hope tomorrow is better.
I know what you are going through and it's a load of shite!!! We're all here for you brother.
Hit me up any time for support or just a chinwag.
Jeffrey
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