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This is negative. If you're looking for something more positive, don't read!
Im finding this harder the longer it goes on
Im sick of the looks i get,
Im sick of doctors telling that my problem is in my head and that other people dont notice,
im sick of having to not draw attention to myself
" " " not having confidence
having to explain that its not cancer
sweating,ie my hair on my head used to absorb it, now if im doing any sort of work or if someone asks an awkward question which makes me fluster and get hot under the collar the sweat beads and runs straight down my forehead which is very embarrasing and makes me look like i sweat profously which i dont its just that there is no hair to stop it beading and running
im sick of not being able to go to the gym
im sick of always being the oddest one out
people with no problems always goin on about them
getting special treatment,its only out of pity
im sick of my reflection
im sick of kids asking me whats wrong
im sick of the fact i cant really create an expression with my face and eyebrows anymore
im sick of the fact that i hate how i look in photos,such a strained smile but you can always see the sadness in the eyes
im sick of just being sad,if i never had hair i probably wouldn't mind as much but the fact i had it for 25 years and am the type of person who when i had it would have been the fucker making the remarks.(my own worst enemy)
im sick of smart arsed psychologists who went through school with excellent grades, collage with the tag of being a psychologist ,probably never had to worry about women or money or ever had any real confidence issues,How is a guy like that supposed to give me advice on my life which is constructed upon a completly different set of experiences which he probably has no experience of?
Im sick of writing this
im sick of the guilt of having to drag my girlfriend through this
Im sick of not having a plan
im sick of hating myself and this weight,its actually causing me to hunch over
im sick of knowing there is no god and nothing after death cause it makes the argument to stay alive less convincing
sick of it all -sick of it all the song just sprung to mind
im sick of wondering do i need help because of my lack of confidence in myself,ive done this drug and not too much drink free and have only been to one psychologist whom i really didn't like- im actually proud of this
im sick of worrying my poor mother,im her only son and i can see the heartbreak in her face
im sick of my poor old man through this he is old school and really doesn;t know what to say but tries anyway
Im sick of scaring off my sis's potentiat boyfriends
Just fuckin sick of it ,everything i want i cant have because it draws attention to me which just doesn't work for a fella with no eyebrows
im sick of people on this site being so fukin positive,here i am again second guessing myself. am i wrong for not being able to see any positives to this or is everyone who gives out about this blog just fooling themselves and looking for a light .
I understand everyone will deal with their alopica differently, i obviously havent dealt with mine. I will also agree that i need someone to help me But i want someone who has had experience with alopecia on a personal level to treat me which i haven't came across yet. This blog is of the darker nature and i offer no apologies to anyone whom it depressed or offended ,im just saying whats on my mind and if you can relate to that great- or not so,i dont know anymore
Im sick of the looks i get,
Im sick of doctors telling that my problem is in my head and that other people dont notice,
im sick of having to not draw attention to myself
" " " not having confidence
having to explain that its not cancer
sweating,ie my hair on my head used to absorb it, now if im doing any sort of work or if someone asks an awkward question which makes me fluster and get hot under the collar the sweat beads and runs straight down my forehead which is very embarrasing and makes me look like i sweat profously which i dont its just that there is no hair to stop it beading and running
im sick of not being able to go to the gym
im sick of always being the oddest one out
people with no problems always goin on about them
getting special treatment,its only out of pity
im sick of my reflection
im sick of kids asking me whats wrong
im sick of the fact i cant really create an expression with my face and eyebrows anymore
im sick of the fact that i hate how i look in photos,such a strained smile but you can always see the sadness in the eyes
im sick of just being sad,if i never had hair i probably wouldn't mind as much but the fact i had it for 25 years and am the type of person who when i had it would have been the fucker making the remarks.(my own worst enemy)
im sick of smart arsed psychologists who went through school with excellent grades, collage with the tag of being a psychologist ,probably never had to worry about women or money or ever had any real confidence issues,How is a guy like that supposed to give me advice on my life which is constructed upon a completly different set of experiences which he probably has no experience of?
Im sick of writing this
im sick of the guilt of having to drag my girlfriend through this
Im sick of not having a plan
im sick of hating myself and this weight,its actually causing me to hunch over
im sick of knowing there is no god and nothing after death cause it makes the argument to stay alive less convincing
sick of it all -sick of it all the song just sprung to mind
im sick of wondering do i need help because of my lack of confidence in myself,ive done this drug and not too much drink free and have only been to one psychologist whom i really didn't like- im actually proud of this
im sick of worrying my poor mother,im her only son and i can see the heartbreak in her face
im sick of my poor old man through this he is old school and really doesn;t know what to say but tries anyway
Im sick of scaring off my sis's potentiat boyfriends
Just fuckin sick of it ,everything i want i cant have because it draws attention to me which just doesn't work for a fella with no eyebrows
im sick of people on this site being so fukin positive,here i am again second guessing myself. am i wrong for not being able to see any positives to this or is everyone who gives out about this blog just fooling themselves and looking for a light .
I understand everyone will deal with their alopica differently, i obviously havent dealt with mine. I will also agree that i need someone to help me But i want someone who has had experience with alopecia on a personal level to treat me which i haven't came across yet. This blog is of the darker nature and i offer no apologies to anyone whom it depressed or offended ,im just saying whats on my mind and if you can relate to that great- or not so,i dont know anymore
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Comment by pat j madden on March 1, 2011 at 11:50am
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Zeida ,thanks for your comments and im glad you could pull yourself up.
Mary you are very strong,i wish i had your strength and attitude-i will continue to work on mine.
Jeff i've met one and it was kind of awkward -cant really explain why
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Comment by JeffreySF on March 1, 2011 at 12:18pm
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I asked because for me acceptance came after I surrounded myself with fellow alopecians. I didn't feel alone and realized this is a disease I cant control.
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Comment by Mary on March 1, 2011 at 12:49pm
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Sorry you're feeling so isolated, Pat, and I hope it gets better for you.
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Comment by Katie on March 1, 2011 at 7:25pm
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Hi Pat,
First I have to agree with Leonore… A lot of people come here during their most “down” times. I don’t even know what I expect to find, but it always helps to be on here, to know others are just as upset as I am, I think I like to know others are as miserable as I am… its company. Plus it always helps me to let things out and see what others are doing, etc. I have to say, I was excited to read your blog because I was not hoping to read anything positive because I am in a negative mood. Hence, why I landed on this blog lol Second, I can totally relate to almost every single “I’m sick of…statement” As I said, I come on here when I am really feeling crumby. I think we all have had those really crappy times where you just literally are so irritated that you are mad at the ground you walk on. I keep find spots every day. It’s getting worse and worse and I am basically just watching it disappear. What else choice do I have? We certainly can’t control the alopecia but we can decide to use it to our advantage. For example, I have been through a very traumatic experience (the experience itself is not important) but anyway I lost all my self-esteem afterwards. Then, I lost my hair. It felt like everything in the world that was bad was happening to me. I was so hard on myself and hated the way I looked (this was before the alopecia). I feel I was diagnosed with this disease because I needed to realize that I was beautiful and I was way too hard on myself. After losing my hair, thinking back to what I looked like before hand was starting to look real good to me
Long story short, after years of going through a trauma I finally told someone what happened to me and was forced to see a therapist. I went into the sessions angry, scared, upset, and alone. I have never been so wrong about something in my life. I still talk to my counselor and even switched my major to psychology. I want to help others who are victims or just need guidance. I even want to work with fell
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fellow Alopecians someday
My point is, don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t judge a book by its cover. I know you say that you are sick of people judging you, assuming (ex: cancer), but you did it when you talked about your therapist! How do you know he isn’t able to relate?? Haha You never know what someone is going through by looking at them…. You can’t assume he had his life handed to him! Anyway, you should definitely still talk to someone and don’t be afraid to keep switching therapists if you don’t absolutely love the one you have!
I must say, it is good to write when you are upset… and your blog actually sounds kind of poetic and beautiful, in a dark & gloomy way! Haha
If you need to talk let me know.. I am glad to hear what’s going on with you.
PS-A positive that you have to look at is your family and girlfriend. From the sounds of it, you seem really thankful for them and clearly care very much about them because you speak about how you hate hurting your mother and girlfriend. You sound like a great and genuine person… don’t be afraid to let yourself be upset and have bad days. It’s not realistic to go through every day like the sky is made of marshmallows. This disease sucks, it’s ok to act like it does – I would be concerned if you DIDN’T feel upset.
Take Care!
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Comment by Tallgirl on March 1, 2011 at 9:29pm
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More thoughts: Like Jeffrey, I felt better after meeting the San Francisco alopecians at a Giant's baseball outing. Their humor about it, including the bald firemen with a Braveheart ponytail attached to his baseball cap and then a carved-out watermelon over his head in the parking lot, serving up watermelon chunks on a platter to exiting cars, made me lighten up about my own alopecia. Mind you, I hadn't met ANYONE with this for the 25 years since I first had hair loss. So, if you can meet alopecians in a support group (worth a trip to the UK or Wales, yes?), you might breathe a sigh of relief.
Then, I also thought about your going to clubs for validation. Hey...here's some news: drunk people and people who think bars/pubs/clubs represent real life are just wrong and deluded. Those people are in there because they can't HANDLE real life, strife and emotions. They need the booze to flirt, share, be bold, act wasted, make phony laughter, let out anger, make invitations, fill in their empty lives with the nonsense that booze creates. So, avoid them and find some coffee shops instead. Or join something with healthy caring...alone or with your girlfriend. Build something, create something, solve a problem, join a cause. Find your worth with people who will remember what you have given them, and who will be sober enough the next morning...and in future years...to remember it, and you.
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Even more: See the following video on this site:
It's not our fault. Don't judge us.
It is for women, but has good points. When she looks right at the camera and pauses, it is like she is driving the point home.
Another thing: Just as one would give hope to a beloved child who was sad, many of us here keep sane ourselves by providing hope to others who are younger, new or scared of this. It is the gift we give to each other here, and often makes some of us feel needed. Where else can a person with Alopecia Knowledge help those who have Alopecia Questions? So, imagine a thirteen year old boy is reading your blog...and he is home alone in his room, wondering about sports, love, jobs and acceptance. Will you put yourself aside long enough to be an Alopecia Dad to that young soul? Or will you fill him with despair for his future? What if he (or any of us) needs enough confidence to get at least ONE dance out of high school, ONE party out of college, ONE job in a new town, etc. before a cure is found or hair starts to grow again? How can you be bigger than all your fears, change that life plan (because, anything can happen, anyways) for yourself, and then show another person how to make a new plan that includes positive growth? Kids and teens may not have parents who understand them, and they may be on this site to find role models. That could be you, too.
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Katie,Alice,Paul,
i hear all your pleas,sorrows and worries and i just dont have the typing skills or time to write specifically to all,but rest assured that your comments and everyone elses are reallly taken to heart and i have read everyones reply at least 10 times ,Im really overwhelmed by this and its taken my mind off my things for a day or 2. Alice no one has ever commented on my writing and for you to do so may just urge me in a new direction in life- i actually will write more now that someones listening
Question is,and i am sorry about this......
would i have gotten so enraged to write the dam thing if i hadn't have been on this site ???????
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Tallgirl your response makes perfect sense and i respect that but there are also people suffering this that dont want a fluffy approach to it. they are able to handle whatever is thrown at them. And if i remember correctly i could climb alot higher when i was younger and it didn't hurt as much when i fell,nevertheless everyone falls at sometime.I think what im trying to say is that teens and younger experiencing this would get through this better if they were told straight out what to expect so they could prepare themselves for a different kind of life.I reckon they are ten times more robust and able to change (given direction)alot quicker than people give them credit for.Im 33 i think from my experience most lads in their teenage years loosing their hair are on here flicking through blogs n posts hoping to come across the answer that relates to the specific issue he's having that night.Hes not asking questions he's just flicking because he needs answers to different situations. I hope he reads my list so he knows what to expect and can honestly prep himself and hopefully find a way around it because im sure its not impossible,at least he can expect my list like------sorry kid
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At least he can get a heads up from my list like-------
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