What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger

Teenage stress is very common in high school; every teen has something that worries him or her, from a relationship to a final exam. At this stage in one’s life, everything seems so complicated, but there are some people who are faced with even more complicated stressors in their lives. A devastating illness in a teenager’s life can alter their persona and sometimes it may force them to unwillingly see life in a different way. I can’t talk for all teenagers but I can talk for myself and retell my story to those who are interested in knowing the predominant stressor in my life. I am the face and body of Alopecia, this autoimmune disorder has been in my life since I was a freshman in high school. As stated in the National Alopecia Areata Foundation, “Alopecia Areata is a common autoimmune skin disease resulting in the loss of hair on the scalp and elsewhere on the body. It usually starts with one or more small, round, smooth patches on the scalp and can progress to total scalp hair loss (alopecia totalis) or complete body hair loss (alopecia universalis).” Like everyone that has lost something in life I went through the 5 stages of grief, which are the following: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I can still recall that fast-paced morning with three people in a 6X10 sq. ft. bathroom delegating on whom would take a shower first. It was like any other busy school morning for my sisters and me. After taking a quick routinely 15 minute shower I found myself brushing my hair as I would normally do after a warm and steamy shower, but this time was different, I was surprised to see an unusual amount of hair in my brush. I quickly ran to my mother and asked her to exam my scalp; to my surprise she detected an abnormal bald spot. I quickly entered into panic mode and asked her immediately to make an appointment with a dermatologist. I was scheduled to see a Dermatologist the next day. Waiting in the waiting room, I remember telling myself “Don’t worry. This is something that is probably fixable. “After vigorously checking my scalp the Dermatologist explained in words that were unknown to me that I had something called Alopecia. Not recognizing any word she uttered, I quickly rushed to ask the most important question that was on my mind: “is it fixable?” In record time the doctor blurted out the cold word that brought shivers down my spine “NO.” At that moment I entered the first stage of grieving (denial) that also was joined with second stage (anger). I immediately thought to myself, “This has to be a mistake. They probably got this wrong. I mean everyone makes mistakes so why should I assume that a doctor can’t make one?” The words just spewed out of me as I asked the doctor “Are you sure?” she responded with a straight face “Yes.” As I saw my mom’s eyes start to water I arrived at the hard conclusion that there was no mistake at all. I became angry and bitter with the world, with myself, and with God. I remember that time in my life as pure madness as I unleashed something inside me that faulted everyone for what I was destined to live. I must confess that my relationship with God was artificial; many people think that their relationship with God is strong until something like an illness effects their lives.

After many days of sorrow and anger, I quickly stepped into the fourth stage of grieving (bargaining). My anger towards God was gone after I realized that there was miscommunication between us. I then started to bargain with Him, praying for a miracle and, in return offering numerous amounts of offerings. Alopecia may not have a cure but it does have a treatment that may or may not work. Continuing with my prayers, I began treatment for this unfortunate disease that had targeted me. I reached to anything that could purify my body from this horrendous malady that had changed who I once was. I went through horrible and painful steroid injections, which were applied directly to the scalp. These injections produced more harm to my body. I went from having Alopecia Areata to developing Alopecia Universalis, meaning I went from having random bald spots to having no hair at all.

Depression quickly hit me like a cold ice bag slammed straight into my face. It was horrible to see myself in the mirror and not be able to recognize myself. I was forced by this illness to wear wigs in public. I would push myself each day to attend school, knowing that I would possibly be a target of bullying. I felt watched by peers even though it might only have been produced by my insecurities. The only thing I wanted was to disappear. I wished for a huge hole suddenly to appear in the earth and swallow me alive. After school my depression would take over, and I would spend most of my days trapped in my room, a room that haunted me with all the mirrors that were hung. The mirrors that once helped me view my outer beauty soon became the reminder of my unfortunate destiny.

After months of depression, I began to experience the fifth stage of grief (acceptance), slowly as the sun when it rises to mark the beginning of a new day. I remember the impact that a St. Jude TV commercial had on my way of thinking. I saw many kids struggling with cancer, plugged into a machine that helped them to continue the harsh struggle of life. My eyes took in the outer appearance of these kids who were fighting a tug of war with life, and I soon realized that they looked exactly like me. The outer appearance was the last thing on the minds of these kids. I felt selfish to see how these kids were struggling with life, and I was complaining of something that only affected my outer appearance but didn’t threaten my life. That same night I had a dream like no other that had ever crossed my dreams; I dreamed about a long list of names and a loud voice that didn’t have a physical body form. This voice said “The sooner you pray, the sooner your name will be on the list. You are wasting time, pray now!” After having seen the commercial and hearing the voice, my thoughts and feelings changed and I replied to the voice “it’s okay. I no longer have the urge for cure; help those who need it more.” The morning after my dream, I woke up remembering my whole dream and telling myself that everything would be okay. I stopped taking treatment because I realized that my cure wasn’t as important anymore.

I don’t want to be seen a victim; I just want to be seen as a living example of what a human being is capable of enduring. The strength that was given to me by this disease is what pushes me to pursue my goals in life and that gives me a lift to climb to the top. I once thought that this illness would stop the life I had but it has only enriched it. I don’t remember where or how I changed, but I feel as if I were reborn into a different person. Anytime I feel those old negative emotions climbing back up, I remind myself that “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”