I went to town without my headscarf on today. My heart was beating so fast and i was nervous. The last time I did so was when I was with Margaret, a fellow alopecian. I asked myself can I really face the world on my own? Will that high I felt the last time be there again or will I be terrified and self-conscious instead? I braced myself and decided that I will never know the answers to those questions if I didn't go ahead and do it. So I did.

At first I was terrified and as much as I tried to talk myself out of it I was still scared out of my wits. What if people started staring and pointing at me? How will I be able to handle it? But I handled it pretty well I must say. But saying that, I was so eager to just get into the bus I accidentally hopped onto a school bus and asked for a ticket to town. Oopsie! It was pretty funny though. lol.

When I finally reached town (after getting the right bus this time) I did get a few stares but to overcome this reaction I smiled at them. I gave them my sincerest smile and the result I got was fantastic. People smiled back and it wasn't the nervous tight-lipped ones that most strangers give each other but a sincere one as well. However, a few did not smile back, instead they quickly looked away or kept staring. Oh well, you can't win them all I thought. I admit when I first received a negative reaction I felt disappointed and my energy was quickly draining away. When I realised this was happening I quickly psyched myself up by saying that I should not let this get to me. It took me alot of effort to get to where I am right now. I should NOT let ONE person ruin my day and I also should not blame them for making me feel this way. Some people are still not used to seeing things which are not perceived as 'normal'. When we were born we were given the perception of what is considered to be a normality and what is not and unfortunately for us alopecians, being bald isn't one of it. Thinking this made myself feel better and I carried on. I was proud of myself for not letting it get to me and I owe this to a book I am currently reading. It is a really good book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is about self-discovery based on an ancient Toltec wisdom and how changing our conduct can transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness and love. I have tried reading this book 6 months ago but at the time the words did not ring true to me because I was not ready to change myself. I still lived in fear of being judged by others. I was not ready to pull off the social mask that I use to hide the true me. Now I am ready and now the words that are written in the book are reaching out to me. I have not finished the book but so far I could relate to every word. Especially the part where it says I feel I am not worthy of love and happiness because of what has happened in my past. For years I push people away; People who tell me that they are there to love me for who I am because I did not find this possible. I understand now it is because I do not love myself that I do not find anyone worthy enough of my love. I portray my heart as being covered with barb wires and if anyone tries to reach it they get hurt in the process. This way I thought I could never ever let anyone hurt me and this is how I protect myself, just by hurting anyone that comes near it. Needless to say my relationships with family, friends and boyfriends suffered from it. I did not think that anyone deserved to be with me because I did not deserve them. I believed the people I loved deserved to be with someone better and that person is not me.

I fought a losing battle with myself for most of my life. I am aware now that in order for me to win is to let all the negative feelings go and see me as the person that everyone who loves me sees as. I may not be perfect but everyone has their good points. I could not see mine but now I look at myself in the mirror and I can see the changes in me. After having this breakthrough I cannot stop smiling, I don't think that everyone is out to get me because I have also learned not to have expectations. When you have certain expectations you wind up getting disappointed easily and this leads to pain and sorrow. So in order to avoid this I stop having expectations and to give my 100% in everything including loving someone. So far I haven't been disappointed with my decision. At last now I know I have finally found my inner peace. It took a lot of tries and I must admit there were times when I felt like giving up but I managed to get here now and I can promise you that I will never let myself get back to the stage where my spirit was deeply broken. You only get to live once so why not make the most of it? Why dwell on the negative and live a miserable life when you know you get only one chance?

I hope that anyone who reads this can relate to what I am trying to say. I want everyone to know that they are not alone in this difficult journey. I dedicate the song "You are loved (Don't give up)" by Josh Groban to everyone here. It is a powerful song and I hope after listening to it you will find the strength to stop judging yourself and to live a life filled with joy and happiness because everyone, and I mean every single one of us deserves it.

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! :)

Remember: DON"T GIVE UP BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED!