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When to tell a love interest that you have alopecia
When should you tell a person that you're dating, married to, or interested in that you have alopecia? Or, to pose the question quite differently, do such people have a right to know about your condition and, if so, when should you tell them? If for some reason you don't think it's their business, let's also discuss this perspective.
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Alopecia World: You may also want to check out this discussion on the topic.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on
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Hi Jackie and Ashley,
Of course you don't HAVE to tell anyone, but if you take the first step and take the power into your own hands, you are then in control of the situation. Read what Laurie wrote below, I totally agree with her. In the long run being open is SO much better even if it seems hard right now.
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Permalink Reply by Laurie Price on
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I found that telling people up front takes away the power they have and gives it to me. I have the choice to keep them in my life. If they like me, they like me, if not there are others. The people that love me love me with out my hair and are not embarrassed to be around me with a bandanna or wig or what ever. I know it is a big step putting ourselves out there but it is who we are. I think about this stuff a lot, solar nails, hair extensions, highlights, false eyelashes, fake and bake tans, make up for that matter. Everyone has something they are hiding. I have learned that the best relationships are based on honesty. Besides if you get close to someone and then tell them they may not react the way you hope and your more hurt.
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Hi Laurie,
You are SO right. This is the way to go with this. Honest, up front. When you don't tell people, THEY control YOU. Way to go girl.
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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I agree with Debbi. We have to push ourselves and learn to be forthcoming. I think if we are hiding something the impression given is that it is "bad". Otherwise why would we hide it? Then we run the risk that they feels it's appropriate to ask you to hide it from his friends and family and his co-workers for a "few" months. Then be unfairly say, if they do not love me "just" because I do not have hair, then they don’t deserve me. If we really want to believe this, then we have to be willing to take the first step and show that we believe it is "just" hair.
Friends, we are looking for a certain quality of a mate. A lot of times we think we are now looking for "lesser" mate, I believe it is the opposite and we are actually looking for a higher quality mate. My husband described it beautifully in a recent post in which he said:
"There is not a moment when I want her to cover her head or, more to the point, hide her alopecia areata. I have always proudly accompanied her to business meetings, church services, family gatherings and other social functions, parks, stores, restaurants, vacation destinations, and even to our respective workplaces.
Moreover, I never make an apology or some preemptive announcement regarding her patchy hair loss or baldness simply because she is my better half and not some blotch on my public image."
I don't believe we have to hide our alopecia; instead we have to find a mate that accepts it. To find that kind of a mate requires us to be accepting of our own condition and allow him to see that in us. Therefore, making alopecia a positive character testimony, not a flaw. This is my perspective. If we want a strong mate, we have to put forth strength ourselves, so that we can find each other.
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Finding that higher quality person means taking time, and not wasting that time on good-time-only "lessers" for some need for attention, competition with friends, pleasing parents, etc. The person worth holdng on to is EXACTLY the one who will love the you that might be caught in a wind storm, lying in a hospital bed, etc.: that is, wigless. Maybe not right off, but soon, I believe there should be The Reveal to a person you are truly wanting to be a major player in your life. Major friend, major lover, major roommate, travel companion, spouse. Even a co-worker upon whom you must depend in a close situation. Of course, in person is best so you can gauge facial expression, eyes, smile, voice tone, breathing, heartbeat, changes in approach...only you know what, and who, you really need.
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Hi Cheryl,
SO perfect. I had hair when I married my husband. My 'spots' were so far in the past that I had forgotten them. I was 5 or 6 when I had nickle sized ones in the back of my head that grew back quickly. Don was not the least bit unnerved by my hair loss!! He actually told me, the day I shaved it off, that "as long as it wasn't my "butt" that was missing, he could care less". I knew then that I had married the right guy. If he had, for some reason, been less than accepting of my baldness, we would NOT be married now. He is the first one to tell other people that he has a bald wife. Today we were at a horse show my friend was riding in. The MC had the WORST toupee on. Don told me I should take off my wig and scratch my head in the MC's presence so he could see what a GOOD piece looked like!!!LOL!! Needless to say I did NOT do this, but I DO appreciate his sense of humor and total acceptance. You ALL deserve a man like that. DON'T wait to tell, it just prolongs the day that you have to face the 'elephant in the room'. Find out from the get go that he can cut the mustard.
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Permalink Reply by Karen Smith on
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I appreciate the responses on tell up front but realize my daughter is 19, off to college and recovering from a break-up of her first love. He broke up with her because they are so young and were too serious, not the alopecia. She is out there having a blast in a beautiful wig and one night this week when I asked her what she was doing, she wasn't sure because she had 6 invites out from 6 different guys, she is a very pretty girl inside and out. I think it would be an unneccessary burden to have to go around making this announcement. She isn't planning on getting into a relationship anytime soon. I am pretty sure most of these college boys are jerks due to their age but they are also insignificant in her life. The one boy that she still cares about knows of course. I think the burden of telling them all would be difficult on her.If she had some other condition such as rheumatoid arthritis etc, I would not advise her to tell up front. I think getting to know someone first before you share things is a good plan. At this point I am more concerned that she is remembering to study.
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Hi Karen,
I agree that it is not necessary to tell every boy she dates. What I recommend is when she starts dating ONE guy that she really likes and plans on continuing to date, that she tell him early on. It certainly isn't necessary to tell everyone she has a casual friendship with! It sounds like she is having fun in college and that's the way it should be.
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I agree that if she finds someone special she should tell them sooner rather than later. I don't see that happening anytime soon. She is handling this in her own way and not letting alopecia stop her from getting out there. I think everyone processes this so differently. I am an open book and tell anyone my problems but she works through things quietly.
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Hi Karen,
YES! She's still very young - plenty of time to get serious when she's older, right Mom??
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Karen and Debbi, those are good points.
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I think, that it's okay to said this early. Every normal person will understand you. It's not a big problem and i think it cant ruin strong relationship. I met my wife on the website(such as https://www.bridge-of-love.com/) and when i tried to meet girls i told them about alopecia at start of our conversation. I think it saved me a lot of time and money. And now i am in marriage.
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