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When to tell a love interest that you have alopecia
When should you tell a person that you're dating, married to, or interested in that you have alopecia? Or, to pose the question quite differently, do such people have a right to know about your condition and, if so, when should you tell them? If for some reason you don't think it's their business, let's also discuss this perspective.
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Alopecia World: You may also want to check out this discussion on the topic.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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Sounds like it went really well. Congratulation on being able to have the hard conversation. Going forward, I would suggest that you don't let your insecurities rule you. Meaning, don't just break it off out of fear of what might happen. See it through and know that you can handle the situation whichever way it goes.
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Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on
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Hi Aimee,
Read the Third Date Rule. You don't want to hide it! Since you're married and it isn't an issue that's great, but for the people who are dating, it's crazy to try and hide it. If someone doesn't accept your alopecia, they aren't worth the effort. You're worth MORE.
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Permalink Reply by Zimrie on
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If you have a prosthesis or any similar thing, they would feel the irregularities on your head.
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Permalink Reply by 5DH on
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When I break it to people I've found the best thing you can do, as some people have already said, is make it no big deal at all. Don't say disease! When I've decided I want to tell someone (I have about 35-40% loss, mostly in the back so most people can't tell right away as I use makeup to fill in the gaps and comb over it), they say "how are you" and I say "ok, having a bad hair day." They inevitably respond with "really? it looks OK to me" and then I say something like "Yeah but I'm picky. I actually have an overactive immune system and while I never ever get sick (*look at the positive*), sometimes it likes to attack my hair, so I have my better days!" (I try not to start with saying Alopecia because i'd rather explain the condition first then get technical to ease people into it). Usually people say they dont see it, so I turn around, and the conversation continues.
My mildest episode was when I had a girlfriend two years ago. We broke up and it's much worse but I'm somewhat confident that when I get into my next relationship it'll grow back. Relationships instill confidence and stress relief! For me at least. :)
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Permalink Reply by kimberly dean on
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A very uplifting discussion for me to read considering I am a young, single girl with alopecia.
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Permalink Reply by Nathan Paul Prince on
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Some are members of this group and are open to the point where it is no longer a question of having alopecia or not, they ARE truly Alopecian and don't even notice anyone looking when out and about during their daily lives. Being hairless is like breathing - it's just there.
Others, on the other hand, wake up and refuse to leave their bedrooms without putting their wig on and are probably so far removed from discussing it, they aren't even a part of this or any other support group for fear of the "stigma" attached to revealing their hairlessness.
And in the middle are those who are hairless, but for fear of losing out on a relationship, they will hold out to the last moment before "revealing" themselves to someone. This is an emotional rollercoaster in itself because there's always the sword hanging over your head, "Will they love me or reject me", "Will I lose my job or will they accept me", "Will people treat me as an outcast or will they accept me"... it's all the same.
Same viewpoint applies to those who are trying to decide whether to shave it all off and accept it, or put it off as much as possible and deal with the emotional rollercoaster that much longer.
Putting things off is a pressure. Putting things out there and moving on with life is just that - be who you are, accept who you are and the rest of life will throw something else at you that you can put more attention towards (like a raise!)
heh heh
Cheers to everyone on this board - you are all outstanding Alopecians, alopecians-to-be, and awesome support teams for those who are trying to be.
Have a groovy day everyone!
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Nathan, very thoughtful response. You really reminded me how easy it is for us to let our decision and actions be based on others. You are so right, it is a roller coaster. Not to mention, constantly changing.
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Permalink Reply by Maureen on
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I am SO relieved! I finally told my BF of four months about my AA and he was just as wonderful and supporting as I could have hoped for.
I know four months is a LONG time to "hide" AA, but I have my eyebrows, eyelashes and I wear a Freedom Hair wig...so it was not THAT big of a stretch to get by with it. I was just tired of always "having" to have my wig on. I'm used to going without it in the privacy of my own home when I feel like it and NEVER sleeping in it...but for the past four months I haven't taken it off except when in the shower!! My boyfriend and I don't officially live together but we do spend every night together either at my place or his. We both have children from previous marriages and keeping our own places works best for us.
Of course, how to tell him has been weighing heavy on my mind ever since we started getting serious, I have just always been so ashamed of my baldness. I know I shouldn't be, and with the help of this wonderful forum I have gained so much strength, but it's still hard for me. I have only been divorced for two years and this is my first significant relationship. I haven't had to figure out how to tell anyone about this until now!
Anyway, I was done hiding the "real" me and decided I was ready to deal with telling him. Like I said, he was wonderful about it: he said that he loves me not my hair! I feel such a huge relief :)
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Hi Maureen,
Good for you! PLUS you won't have to have the added problem of needing more repairs on your Freedom Wig due to mechanical breakage from sleeping in it! He sounds like a keeper!
Debbi
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Permalink Reply by Karen Smith on
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My 19 year old daughter is facing this now. She just started college and her boyfriend broke up with her this summer. Her aunt told her don't bother telling a guy unless you think it is someone that you could love. There are plenty of jerks out there. Her wig is so natural that noone would ever know if she didn't tell them. So far this is working for her and seems like the best answer for her.
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Hi Karen,
I think that your daughter's Aunt's idea that you only tell when you think it's someone you could love is a mistake. If you get that far in a relationship and the guy then can't deal with you having alopecia - which does happen occasionally - then you've set yourself up for major heartbreak. MUCH better to tell them sooner - I suggest the third date because that way YOU have control over the situation and you can get rid of guys who aren't worthy of you before they can hurt you. Dumping a guy that can't handle it sooner rather than later is much better. If he can't cut the mustard, you don't need him. If you had something worse happen to you down the road, like losing a breast to cancer, you want to know that the man you love is going to be there for the long haul. If he is such a 'shallow Hal' that he can't even handle a little baldness, he sure won't be there when the big stuff happens. I say tell him on the 3rd date, no later.
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I wish your daughter the best.. my daughter is 15 and has lost most of the hair on the top of her head.. she has some short hairs that along with a spray we use to darken the area she does not wear a wig yet.. she doesn't tell anyone unless they ask.. Im not sure what she will do is she loses all the hair, I dont think she wants to believe that will happen... but I do agree that you should not have to tell anyone if you dont want to.
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