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Boss asked me if my hair was real
Hello all,
I was diagnosed with alopecia almost 8 months ago when I first started losing my hair. I am an "essential worker" and have worked onsite alongside my lateral colleagues and subordinates through most of the pandemic. I've been candid with those who I know well. I interact with my boss and upper management via zoom only. The director of my department was hired during the pandemic, and we haven't been getting along. At the core I think it's hard to establish trust online.
Now that you have the background, on to today, Thursday. Monday I wore a wig to work for the first time. I just don't have enough hair left to make hats look decent any more. I have never been more nervous about how I look ever. But for the most part, it's gone well, especially because I feel comfortable around the people I work with.
Today I joined in on a meeting the director was hosting. The director started out the meeting (included several people, but no one I've talked about the wig to) by saying my name and, "look at your hair? Is it REAL?"
I just nodded no because I was on mute and kind of shocked. Director responded, "Ah, I thought so." and then moved on to actual business.
Because of this experience, I feel like I wasted a lot of money on this wig, and I don't want to wear it. More importantly, I want to call out this behavior and let the director know how inappropriate it was. But they make twice the salary as me and we don't have a good working relationship. Anyone have a similar experience or advice on how I can do this tactfully and in a way that makes helpful impact?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by NicoleT on
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What a complete and total asshole.
I remember the 2nd time I went to work in a wig one of the women i was working with walked in first thing in the AM and said "nice wig" and give it a little tug.
It ruined my day/month. I had spent a fortune on that wig and i dont know if i ever wore it again after that.
I went to her later and told her i was going thru health issues and that I really didnt appreciate her doing/saying that.
It sucks. im so sorry.
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Permalink Reply by Rose on
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I love the responses given here. Oh my! Does your post brings back so many incidents in my life. . I decided the next person to say “Is that your real hair?” That I would make steady eye contact and ask them “Are you still wetting the bed?” After getting a beautiful and expensive hair piece, I felt awesome and one coworker told me the “others” thought my hair grew back. I had a few I confided in. One person, as soon as I told her the truth, went to everyone and told them. Some people are just mean, or thought less. They have issues no wig could ever fix!
please find a wig you like and then let a hair stylist cut/thin it to look more natural. Easy to remove poofyness. Wish we could all go to your next zoom meeting and ask this person some seemingly caring questions that made him/her SQUIRM‼️
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Permalink Reply by Raya on
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I’ve had Alopecia for over 30 years and in 2016 I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and just started in March taking Xeljanz to treat my Colitis and I didn’t know it also grows your hair ! In four Months I’ve seen a big improvement with my hair loss I’m starting to grow hair on my scalp, lashes , and eyebrows this drug is costly and not approved for Alopecia but it’s approved for Ulcerative Colitis so I’m lucky to get this expensive drug for free . I just don’t understand why a drug that can help with Alopecia suffers isn’t available for hair loss?
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It is in clinical trials for hair loss with about a 50% success rate, but the FDA has not cleared it as of yet due to potential side effects which can be very serious. Glad it works for you on both fronts!
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Permalink Reply by Chris F on
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I think often times we bring attention to our condition by feeling so down about it. The most times someone has pointed out alopecia to me was when I was thinking about it the most. It's a power of attraction deal you think the worst of yourself and it will bring attention to what you are thinking. I would give your boss another chance, as pointed out earlier most people are sloppily at dealing with anything like this. They simply don't understand and they don't understand how their comments make you feel. Don't give any more power to Alopecia then you have to! When I stopped thinking so much about it, I had close to zero comments towards it and I have been a manager of over 200 people for a long period of time.
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In my view this interaction was not about hair: It was about Power and Control in a professional setting.
There is manifest-what we see, in this case the wig and then there is the latent, what it represents. The reality is the other person continued to push OP’s Boundaries in an unabashed effort to ensure OP felt even greater self consciousness, more discomfort regarding her personal medical condition. My response when someone discloses personal sensitive information is to thank them and assure them that info goes with me to my grave: I don’t start or continue to dig their’s in my professional or personal life. Just NO.
Note what preceded the instant event: This other person after having directly threatened her employment, pulled the “Gotcha!” maneuver in front of others, zeroed in on OP’s further disclosure like a heat seeking missile using those personal details *immediately* to push OP into further discomfort by *ELEVATING* the level of intrusiveness after a gratuitous “apology”-that -wasn’t. The apology failed spectacularly because it merely provided a a preemptive “excuse” to engage in yet more overbearing behavior designed to embarrass, harass and coerce OP to reveal yet more personal information and single out OP for differential treatment based on OP’s medical status. Leaving aside the Reality the behavior is illegal-not a little, a whole lot-reflects a latent manipulative, cunning Power grab. It’s about the hair for OP but the other simply uses the hair as another tool to undermine OP’s self-confidence and competence. The other is well practiced in underhanded tactics to elevate themselves by denigrating and manipulating others using what ever information they can glean by any means including openly stomping all over another employee’s Boundaries. This is NOT professional behavior. There has been nothing in this idiot’s interactions with OP that has reflected collegiality, good will, team work etc.
This is a good example of Bitch Speak: Listen for the music behind the words AND pay attention to the other person’s *pattern of behavior* (in this situation towards OP.) The *pattern of behavior is a reflection that reveals who the person actually is* (the latent, that which is unseen) rather than who they say they are, ie., how they manifestly present themselves. OP’s Bully has consistently manifested a *pattern of aggressive, coercive, harassing and adversarial behavior towards OP.*
Sometimes it really isn’t about the hair; it’s about USING the hair as a Tactic Of Control in an effort to belittle, betray and sabotage another by (openly, crudely in this scenario) endeavoring to elevate the other’s insecurities.
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Permalink Reply by leah on
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Hello, eve of horus and all,
This stinks! And I empathize, some people are super inconsiderate and rude. I had a boss who told me after I shared my experience with Alopecia hair loss and trouble finding wigs I liked, that "I shouldn't tell anyone". And they are also in place of power, so I was just shocked and didn't say anything. I take it as righteous and rude. Everyone has their own experience and what they are comfortable with. I'd try to see how you like your wig and if feel comfortable asking others for input, like friends, etc. Maybe don't let that JERK get to you, maybe it's done with him questioning. I am not sure how best to call out, however maybe if say something again or see alone just say what you said is something private and caught you off guard. Maybe they can be more sensitive n the future.
Also, I find it helps to think of positive those that have been nice, and is great you are seeking support. Secondly, sharing making others aware and trying to find solutions, others with this experience. I have found AA support groups helpful and online forums. Thank you. Best with this and all - it does get easier and better!!
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Permalink Reply by JimB on
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"""
The director started out the meeting (included several people, but no one I've talked about the wig to) by saying my name and, "look at your hair? Is it REAL?"
I just nodded no because I was on mute and kind of shocked. Director responded, "Ah, I thought so." and then moved on to actual business. """ ....
Given he asked you pointy, given the way you answered his question with a "nod", given his answer to your "nodded", I think he was leaving it up to you tell your co-worked what was going on with your body.
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Permalink Reply by Maz on
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I'm quite a bit older than many who have replied to you. I know that by reading what they have written. These days people take offence so easily when someone says something that they shouldn't without thinking. I bet your boss felt like crawling under the table as soon as he asked the question. You don't need to take this any further unless there is a repeat. However, I recon that he, and all the others at that meeting, will never say another word about your hair. The exception could be a woman who is fascinated and says something more like "wow, where did you get that great wig?" People with full heads of hair often wonder what they would look like if they had curly/straight, blonde/red/black, hair and the fact that someone they know has a wig can be quite interesting. Just answer those that ask as if it's not a sensitive subject and you'll find that you will be quite comfortable around those people from then on. Put your brave face on.
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Two thoughts here. Boss is either ignorant/arrogant or not informed. Your reply could have been, yes, this is my hair. (I paid for it). This sneaked up on you, be prepared next time.
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Permalink Reply by DaveW on
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Wow, he is dumb! Most often people pull that shit privately so as to avoid showing who they are. I have a couple of things to consider.
1) If it hasn't been long since the event go directly to HR and file a complaint.
2) File a complaint with the EEOP in your state.Keep in mind that HR is not there for you. They exist to protect themselves from litigation. We must stick together against these jerks who try to damage our psyche. Keep daily logs in hand writing about your work life afterwards. Each and every time he does or says something inappropriate file another complaint. If you experience other harrasment from his management clique file more complaints. Lastly, if the hostile work environment continues prepare to quit and sue. In the end you may find a win by way of reinstatement and promotion. Years ago that was the outcome of a friend of my wife's. The judge in Texas found in the employees favor. She got back pay and a promotion above the jerk.
They will continue if we don't fight them!
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