Alopecia World
www.alopeciaworld.com
Called out again....
So... I might be more of one of the "anxioius" alopecians out there...
But I really have come to dislike meeting new people because 50% of the time, they abruptly say something about my "hair" and comment how thick it is or how shiny it is or that it's "too perfect." This is their way of opening the lines of communication that this is not hair that is attached to me, it's my wig.
I hate this part of meeting new people. I know they are trying to be polite about it-- and it's better than the folks that just blurt out "what's up with the wig." But still... I really don't want it to always be the topic of conversation! I just want to be able to go out, meet people, and not worry about them noticing my wig.
Am I being too sensitive about this? I'm ALWAYS polite about, and I always put on a smile when I admit it's wig, and that I have AA.... but sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it. I just dread the moment where I see their eyes drift from my face to my "hair line." I can spot it a mile away.
Maybe I'm having a bad week... maybe I'm just crabby.... but really. Today it was really embarrassing. I was in a room full of new people, and she just blurted out that comment about my "hair." AND EVERYONE just stopped and looked at me... I could just feel my face turn completely red.
90% of the time, I don't even think about my alopecia, but lately it's been hard. My friends have been wanting to do these overnights, and girls weekends. I have only been without my wig in front of my husband and my 20 month old son. My parents have seen me with a bandana on. I find myself finding excuses at the last minute to not go. I know deep down, it's because I'm not ready to expose myself in front of new people.
I don't like isolating myself like this... I find myself wondering how people deal with these situations.
Now I'm just going on and on... have a good night everyone.
Frusterated and insecure,
Rachel
But I really have come to dislike meeting new people because 50% of the time, they abruptly say something about my "hair" and comment how thick it is or how shiny it is or that it's "too perfect." This is their way of opening the lines of communication that this is not hair that is attached to me, it's my wig.
I hate this part of meeting new people. I know they are trying to be polite about it-- and it's better than the folks that just blurt out "what's up with the wig." But still... I really don't want it to always be the topic of conversation! I just want to be able to go out, meet people, and not worry about them noticing my wig.
Am I being too sensitive about this? I'm ALWAYS polite about, and I always put on a smile when I admit it's wig, and that I have AA.... but sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it. I just dread the moment where I see their eyes drift from my face to my "hair line." I can spot it a mile away.
Maybe I'm having a bad week... maybe I'm just crabby.... but really. Today it was really embarrassing. I was in a room full of new people, and she just blurted out that comment about my "hair." AND EVERYONE just stopped and looked at me... I could just feel my face turn completely red.
90% of the time, I don't even think about my alopecia, but lately it's been hard. My friends have been wanting to do these overnights, and girls weekends. I have only been without my wig in front of my husband and my 20 month old son. My parents have seen me with a bandana on. I find myself finding excuses at the last minute to not go. I know deep down, it's because I'm not ready to expose myself in front of new people.
I don't like isolating myself like this... I find myself wondering how people deal with these situations.
Now I'm just going on and on... have a good night everyone.
Frusterated and insecure,
Rachel
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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Hi Rachel, I don't think there is anything wrong with you just politely saying "thank you" and moving on. I have learned that just because someone asks doesn't mean we have to answer everybodies questions.
Also I think if you just say "thank you", it will end the conversation there.
As for the sleepover, if you are not ready to show others, from the beginning you can easily say, that you don't mind going out for dinner or day trips, but you really prefer to be at home with your husband and family at night.
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Permalink Reply by Destiny on
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My daughter Destiny wore her first wig to school today. She is in the third grade at a Christian school. She said everybody asked if that was a wig. She said she didn't mind if people asked nicely, but when kids were blurting it out she would just pretended not to hear them. Letters about her AA will go out sometime next week to all parents K-12. I hope informing everyone will ease the questions. Destiny thinks it will too. We were told Destiny had ringworm in November. We found out that she has AA a week ago. Destiny says she doesn't mind wearing the wigs.... she kinda likes them, but she hates it being a topic of conversation.
Praying for strength,
Sharon Destinys mom
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Permalink Reply by Rachel H. on
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You have a very strong and brave little girl! And she has a very strong, supportive and wonderful family backing her!
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Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on
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How you feel and live your life has everything to do with your own true self acceptance and little to do with anyone else. When you're still unsure of yourself then the perceptions of others matter, catch you off guard and the like. When you've reached a deeper level of personal acceptance then the perceptions and comments of others are rarely noticed. At that point what other people think or say has no importance.
The turning point for many women comes when she decides on her own terms for herself that she no longer wants to eliminate and avoid things she previously found life-enhancing and enjoyable. No one can make that decision for her.
Most women feel nothing but relief to start talking and acting openly about their aa which allows them full range of choices as if wearing hair one moment and taking it off the next was the most common behaviour in the world. You've got hair? I don't grow hair so well. C'est la vie. The other part is that women rarely regret telling other people, they only regret not telling them sooner.
Your girlfriends like you. What's on your head or absent is not important to them. So be yourself around them on the outings and see how you feel. So if you try going without a wig and don't like it....then you'll know. If you never try it you'll always have the anxiety of wondering. It's a try-out....you can always go back to the other way.
What I think I hear you saying is that you want to get out more with others ..and having that self-wish is the first step.
As for new people, they usually take their cue from you. So the more you feel as self-confident as possible ( even if you have to fake it to make yourself believe it) , the more others get that vibe off you which in turn reinforces your self-confidence. That's how it evolves and grows.
It's a process that starts with self-wish and grows naturally from there.
Thea
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Well, at least the self-wish is really there! I've always wondered how other women with AA have gotten that confident and comfortable-- it's truly inspiring!
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. Much appreciated!
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Thank you, Lois! That's the one thing I'm comfortable with.... baby step! I've never been one to jump into something I'm not completely comfortable with head-first! :)
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Permalink Reply by Shannon on
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Rachel, Sorry you are having a bad week. I also get tired of when people comment on my hair. Most of the people that know me know that I wear wigs, but new people obviously don't. I used to feel embarrassed and the need to almost apologetically explain to people that i was wearing a wig or feel uncomfortable, but now i don't. If somebody comments to me about my hair, I always just say, "Thanks." Its still my hair, whether its human hair, synthetic hair, growing out of my scalp or not, its the hair on my head and it belongs to me, so I just accept a compliment and go on with out lingering on it.
I'd encourage you to start wearing a bandana a little more to get more used to it and how you feel wearing it in front of other people. I also like buffwear.com They have some cool head stuff, especially comfortable if you want to sleep with something really soft covering your head. At first I was so self-conscious to be out in my own yard with out a wig. Now, I switch back and forth from wig to bandana to hat or whatever I feel like and don't really notice at all what people are thinking--of course you will start getting a lot of cancer-sympathy-stares at the grocery store, but I'm used to that now. I think you will probably be surprised at how accepting your friends are and how much happier you are when you don't feel like your alopecia is ruling any of your decisions about how you live your life and what activities you can and can't participate in. Anyway, my 2 cents.
Shannon
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Thanks, Shannon. I think that's a lot of my recent frustration-- mostly with myself-- that I've come to realize, I've let my AA become a bit of a prison-if you will.
I don't like letting something like this control me, and make me feel so anxious. Darn it, I'm anxious about being anxious! :)
I'm getting a lot of responses to just say "thank you" and move on. Gonna give that a try-- I can relate to being apologetic about my confession-- that's usually the drill for me.
I'll take a look at that website, thank you!
I appreciate the response and the kind advise/understanding.
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Permalink Reply by Christie on
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Rachel,
I feel your pain. It's okay to have days like this. You are allowed to feel angry, sad, happy, mad...or anything else you may feel. It's better to get it out, then to hold it in.
I was reading your responses and noticed you don't like the AA being in control. I completely hear that!! I started developing patches in December and became so obsessed with the hair falling out, it started to consume me mentally. Once I realized it, I quickly decided that it was best to shave it off. Once I decided to do that...my life changed.
I shaved it last Friday - and while I've had hard days, some tears and sour moods...I've been freed of worrying about my hair.
The same weekend I shaved it - I immediately went out in public with no hair...mind you, I did have a head band on..which you could clearly see I had a shaven head. I had a few looks, but nothing that made me uncomfortable - I acted as though I "OWNED" my new hair cut. I have also noticed that I "feel" that more people look at me when I'm wearing my wig. But again, that's probably all in my head...or they're just wishing they had hair as great as I do..lol.
Me going out without hair, or a wig was only MY way of trying to deal with it. I figured if I kept it covered, I would become comfortable with it, and then fear what will happen when I took the wig off.
My friends saw me with my new shaven head the night I did it. A couple of times I had asked if they still wanted to be friends with me..even though I had no hair. I was almost beat up that night for asking..ha ha ha. They told me I was silly and it was never for my hair that they liked me in the first place. Perhaps talking to your friends and just hearing them say they accept you for WHO you are..and not what's on your head, will make you feel "safe" to be around them without a cover on. I felt a lot better when they told me they still loved me - It was/is all in my head, but I needed to hear it.
I have gone more times without my wig in public - I am more confident being just me..then wearing something I know is not mine. When I wear the wig...my attitude and even body language give it away that I'm not comfortable.
Anyways...regardless of what anyone thinks...WE are all here for you, and understand. I love being somewhere there is NO judgment!!
Take Care!
Christie
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Permalink Reply by Ally on
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Hi - I found the best way to stop peoples eyes drifting up to my hairline was to smile constantly at them and engage their eyes, but I agree its unsettling when you see(almost expect) their eyes to look at your hairline. For them they may not even be able to stop their eyes going that way but it IS a wig you are wearing and very very few are 100% undetectable (but most are pretty damn good these days). I know its easier for a man to go about bald these days and I now do that, but bald women CAN look good and attractive without a wig. Before I took mine off I went out "half way" with baseball caps etc - when I decided to go the whole way I "hid behind " new glasses new clothes etc to give me extra confidence. I decided to do this on my return to work after a vacation and before I went I got a friend to let all the staff know what was happening on my return - it meant I had a lot of support on the Big Day! Its all about confidence - if you have the confidence to wear a wig you have the confidence to not wear a wig..try going to a town where they don't know you and walk about for an hour - after 5 minutes you will feel good...
respect, Ally
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Permalink Reply by Nants the Rebellion Dog on
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Rachel, you are so much more than what is on your head. You have the right to feel and respond however you want. Everyone at my real estate office is TOTALLY jealous of my new wigs (I shaved my head about a week ago) and as I say, "I get the color and style I want each day and I NEVER have a bad hair day!" Here's the mantra: Extreme Courage. You'll be ready to bare your head when you're ready, and don't ever beat yourself up because you're not ready yet. You are beautiful and articulate and I'm proud of you!
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