Confused!

So far I have only told my close family and my boyfriend about my hairloss problem, and was happy to keep it this way for a while. I found out this weekend that my boyfriend had told a good friend of ours about it.
At first I was livid; how could he so this to me? It is up to me who I tell and when, no? He felt terrible and apologised, and yes I know he never set out to hurt me...he just thought I should be more open about it and talk to other women about the issue because they know more than him when it comes to hair and image. He also wanted to know if she could notice anything because he says he really cannot see my hairloss and hoped to reassure me that people were not staring at my scalp!
In a way he's right about me needeing to talk more, but I am still upset because I need to feel in control of this and tell people in my own time. The friend he told is one of my best friends but I still cannot bring myself to start a conversation about it...I don't know why! I just want to tell her not to tell anyone else to be honest.
My initial plan was to not tell anyone and then one day shave off my hair and turn up in a wig and surprise people...but now that may not work.
Does anyone have any advice about how I should go on from here now that the secret seems to be out?

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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on May 13, 2012 at 11:08am

Just like in those TV shows (Thirty-Something, Desperate Housewives) where the wives had cancer and were oblivious to the fact that their husbands needed to figure themselves out, too, you might step out of your own moods about alopecia and take a long look at your significant other. In those TV scenarios, the women had changed externally and internally...and the husbands were also in confused emotional pain. At the turning point discussions, the women recognized this at last (men hold things in a long time, yes?). Other adults may be struggling with your alopecia, too. They also need counselors, confidantes and friends. Your guy went beyond his own confusion to try to find something to soothe YOU. Look at what this man is really doing. We cannot be in control of all adults (with their own minds, hearts and hopes) around us. All I can say at this point is that you can just smile and hand out pre-printed alopecia info cards of sheets in envelopes for those you are afraid to talk to, or just quietly say that you have some new medical issues to cope with, and walk away. However, those others have feelings and smarts, too. They hurt for their friend...you. Some may even wonder if the relationship will change, discussion topics will change, what all is happening to you, etc. Tell them...soothe THEM, too. Some may wonder why you didn't think them close enough to tell. Let them know, and let them know your fears of exposure. Eventually, human nature being what it is about a good story, more people WILL know...and YOU have to figure out what attitude you will own about yourself and what is valuable in life and personalities.

Permalink Reply by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on May 14, 2012 at 9:12pm

His heart seemed to be in the right place but still it was your choice to tell whomever you felt you wanted to share this with - in your own time. This is a medical condition - perhaps you need to express to him that if he has a sensative medical condition it would be his choice who to confide in. I am not a fan of being outed about anything by anyone for any reason. That being said I do think he wanted to reassure you that it is not as bad as you may think it is. I would talk with your girlfriend - soon -to make sure she is not compelled to seek others opinions. Just be honest and tell her you are having trouble with this and that it is no reflection on your friendship but rather a reflection upon where you are in this journey. Tell her you are still having trouble talking about it and that you would greatly appreciate her understanding that you are just not ready to discuss it at length and to please keep it private. If she is a true friend she will understand. Hugs to you.

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