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Girlfriend won’t tell me she has alopecia
Hey there, I just had a questions about relationships and alopecia. I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for over a year now, and she still hasn’t told me about her alopecia. Every month or so she tells me she is going to go dye her hair, but I know she’s actually going to put her new wig on that she has ordered to her mothers house. I’ve known since we started dating, my sister used to be good friends with my girlfriends sister and she told my sister years ago about her condition so when I started dating her my sister told me about it. It doesn’t matter at all to me, she could walk around without a wig on at home, or where ever. She won’t shower with me, and would rather sit in her soaking wet wig for the day after showering rather than dry it off on a wig stand. Is she ever going to tell me? Should I not bring it up that I’ve known the entire time?? She gets extremely mAd when I touch her hair and I just want to move on from all of that and make her know that she has nothing to worry about with me. We are having a kid after all.
should I just leave her be?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Hopeful1 on
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Hi Jimmy! You are in a very tough position. On the one hand your girlfriend isn’t comfortable revealing her deepest darkest secret to you, that being she has alopecia, is bald & has been wearing a wig for some time. The pregnancy will add to her self confidence issues as her body goes through some changes. We can all tell you our experiences and perhaps give advice on ways to subtle let her know that you love her no matter what. Words are not the same as actions. Actions speak louder then words. Your girlfriend has to be ready, safe and secure to open up about her alopecia to you. When you have hidden it for so long it is the hardest issue to open up about to family, friends, and especially in relationships being the most difficult. In my first two relationships I didn’t tell them. Then I found someone who was younger then me that I fell for. That only intensified the anxiety. With the exception of 1 friend, I never told any of my friends even till this day. I was prepared not to share my secret with young nieces & nephews who were to young to understand and feared they will tell everyone. I kept the secret until one day my niece, 7 years at the time, was visiting with my nephews, I came out the shower in my bathrobe with no head covering to tell my sister something and my niece freaked out. Crying hysterically. Would not come near me. It was devastating to say the least. My twin nephews 5 at the time hugged her and told her it’s Auntie Donna! Don’t be afraid! She was so scared of me. It was tough! Unfortunately, she told her parents. They did not know. Then slowly I could tell my sister-in-law shared my secret with others. It may me withdraw. I would not visit for years. I was also taunted in school for wearing a wig. Kids can be cruel. I withdrew from people and forming friendships. Stayed home A LOT! Another time There were some young boys who thought it would be fun to pull my hat off from behind & in the process pulled my wig off at the same time, I was mortified. Did not come out of the house for almost two years. All of those bad experiences intensified my need to keep my deep dark secret to myself, no matter what! When you find someone you really like, trust and feel safe with you start thinking, How do I tell him about my alopecia? Should I tell him? What if he touches my hair and feels the net? He is going to want someone with hair? It’s not easy. Getting back to the younger boyfriend & tried pushing him away. The age difference. The alopecia issue. He wasn’t going anywhere. It was only when I was ready I told him. Only when I was ready I covered my face, crying hysterically like a baby while I allowed him to slowly take my wig off to reveal my depression, darkest secret. It was emotionally draining but yet liberating. The weight was lifted. He said the right things at the time. Unknown to me he told his family. Even though he and I did not work out I have good friendships with his sister and Parents. I am free to be me around them. However, I have friends and family who I have never told till this day. We are talking over thirty plus years. Everyone is different. Each of us handle alopecia different. What I would recommend is if your girlfriend has siblings/ parents and you a have a good relationship with them, I would ask them how should you approach her. They know her. They might have more insight as what she may have gone through, in the past, and what is the best way for you to approach her about the alopecia. Just keep in mind, she has to control when she is comfortable opening up to you about it and showing you. It is going to be an extremely emotional time. I wish both of you well and Congrats on the expecting of your baby.
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Permalink Reply by Anon on
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Tell her you know. Tell her it’s ok. And if it’s truly ok, it will be apparent in time. But she should know you know.
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I agree with Michael. She should have told you from the beginning. This is not something you forget to mention. Honesty is very important. I know she acted out of fear of losing you probably but how did she think you wouldn't have noticed sooner or later?! Anyway, yes let her know that you know so she can breath a sign of relief. But make sure you also tell her that it doesn't matter if she is bald or not you still want to be with her! And don't forget to repeat it to her every so often because losing our hair its a big blow to our self esteem!
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I would never expect her to take it off in front of me, or force her to be comfortable with it off. That’s not my worry, I’m just saying if she ever chose too, that she doesn’t need to worry about me. I want to talk to her about it, but considering the fact that she is still in her first trimester, the hormones are raging, so I think maybe I should wait a little while longer.. also, she’s buying these 60$ Heat resistant wigs, anyone know of a place to get a quality, realistic heat resistant wig that will maybe last her a little longer than 2 months. The ones she is getting become extremely messy within a month or so, pretty cheap, even though she sits and brushes the hell out of it every day. I figure pay for quality, so maybe someday when she’s comfortable with me knowing, I can help her get something nice. Thanks for all the advice guys, I appreciate it
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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Hi Jimmy!
I've had alopecia since I was 4 years old, which meant wearing a wig to school every day. My husband, who rode the school bus with me in middle school and high school, used to be the one who took up for me when the bullies tried to mess with me. We were only friends in school, and yet we NEVER dated until we came across each other again 18 months ago. I was worried that my having alopecia would be a turnoff for him, but he was the one who took charge and made sure that I KNEW that he thought I was beautiful. We just got married on November 7, and as far as he's concerned I'm the most beautiful woman in the world!
My advice would be to set up a pampering day for her. At the end of the day, just sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Even though it's a sensitive subject, I would venture to guess that she'll be more relieved than upset that you took the initiative. Whatever you decide to do, I would strongly recommend that you do it BEFORE the wedding. It's too important to let it linger. Good luck!!
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Permalink Reply by Alicia on
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You need to talk to her or maybe write your thoughts down for her to read. I used to be the same. I have AU and my partner of 13 years told me to take my wig off the first night he slept over....there's an elephant in the room..send it away!
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