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Granddaughter's reaction
I recently shaved my hair down to about 1/2 inch or so because I've lost so much anyway; and, I wanted to give my scalp a break from the traction hair loss. Anyway, I have a 7 yr old granddaughter who I get to see about every other month. I wore a cap the first visitation after I cut my hair off. She asked why I was wearing it; and, when I explained, she wanted to see my hair. I took my hat off; and, her only reaction then was "wow, you did lose a lot." She never said anything else or indicated that it bothered her. So, I wasn't sure what she was thinking. Our next visit we went to a movie. Part way through, I said I wanted to take my hat off 'cause it was a bit hot in the theater. She didn't say anything. But she looked at me with wide eyes, moved to the edge of her seat, and stiffened herself so she was looking directly at the movie screen. That just about broke my heart. She is one of the few people in my life who I really care about upsetting. I'm not sure how to talk to her about this. I don't want her to be one of those people who thinks there's something wrong with people who have hair loss. I don't want her to be distant from me because of it. If my hat is on, she's her usual laughing energetic self. When the hat comes off, she freezes. To make matters more complicated, she's not legally a part of my family; she was adopted and I have visitation as long as her parents say I can. If I give her any reason to not want to see me, that'll be it. They won't make her; and, I'll lose her. Really sad thing is she's very likely to inherit this. The female pattern baldness is frequently passed from paternal grandmother to her grandchildren (if they're going to get it). My sister and I both got it from our paternal grandmother. Anyway, I'm just afraid I'll alienate my granddaughter instead of being the inspiration for her to understand this. I don't know what to do. The parents don't really want to talk to me about anything; so, I'm pretty much on my own here.
Sorry for the rambling on...
Sorry for the rambling on...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by MiNAH on
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My Granddaughter who will be 3 in October says to me every time I shave, stroking my head and looking at me with such love and bright eyes "OMA" I LOVE YOUR HEAD .... SO BEAUTIFUL, SO SMOOTH" She is an angel! I pray that her feelings continue as she grows. She is obsessed about her own hair, flipping and stoking it, she's a doll!
I wouldn't worry about your granddaughters reaction too deep ... as she is also testing you and your reaction to her response. She needs to learn early to be empathetic, compassionate and let's pray she will be.
You should never feel as though you need any ones permission to take off your head covering, especially a child who knows nothing about life. Love her, but do not enable her to treat you with disrespect. If she has a problem, then it is her problem and all you can do is teach her about peoples hair loss. Besides... the movies are dark, no lights and this was seriously sad... not for her, but for you. I understand you feel her discomfort, yet you must be strong so she will and can learn.
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Permalink Reply by Mary on
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Excellent thoughts, MiNAH! We should always feel free to be just the way we are, and children most of all need to learn that there's nothiing wrong with us or withanyone who looks "different".
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Permalink Reply by Nancy King on
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It's such a Catch-22 situation. I do want to treat the issue as a natural occurrence and teach her how to deal with her discomfort. I also want her to know that it's ok for people to look like this (especially as she may end up with it too). And i want to assure her that she can always talk to me about anything that's bothering her. The catch is, if i do anything that makes her uncomfortable, and she mentions it at home with the adoptive parents, i run the risk of never seeing her again. They have told me if she doesn't feel like seeing me, they won't make her. An odd lesson to teach a child, nevertheless, there it is. So i'm always walking on eggshells trying to balance good lessons against losing visitation. This would not be an issue if she were still in my family. I think someday i will have to write a book on the whole thing. This episode regarding my hair can be a chapter :)
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Thanks to everyone again for all the support. I saw my granddaughter on Saturday. We had our own little private celebration of my birthday complete with tiny little cake and one candle for me to blow out. Here's how things went:
As for my birthday celebration with my granddaughter...WONDERFUL. We didn't totally resolve the issue regarding my hair. However, i took 2 hats with me and when i picked her up, one of the first things i did was ask which one did she think went best with my outfit because i just couldn't decide:) She chose the one with the sparkly butterfly on the top (which is why i wore the other one first). So, i did a not-so-quick change, and just said "better now?" Our visit took place at a park, so we did lots of walking around and "enjoying nature" as she calls it. During one "tickle bug" session (which is just my hand that i keep in my pocket so it can jump out and get her), we ended up hugging. In that embrace, i raised my head so the visor of my cap didn't block her from seeing me, and then i lowered it to block her. I said it's like a window: open, close, etc. For the first time, she pushed my cap up and out of the way...not off...but she's getting there. And later when we couldn't avoid the rain anymore, we sat in my car. At one point, I took off my hat briefly to wipe the perspiration from my head and face. She looked at me and said "you really did lose a lot of hair." I told her i knew that, but it didn't bother me. I said as a matter of fact, i sort of liked it this way because when i'm driving in the car, i leave my hat off (here she still gets wide-eyed). And, i told her, when i ride with the windows open and my hat off, the air feels so good on my head AND MY HAIR NEVER BLOWS IN MY EYES LIKE HERS DOES:) She thought about that for a second, and then she said, "hey! that's not fair." I just told her sometimes that's just the way things turn out...and then we moved on to taking pictures of ourselves because we both had blue tongues from my birthday cake icing. It was a great celebration. And even though we couldn't resolve this in one meeting, i know we are well on our way.
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Permalink Reply by Patti Clum on
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I'm proud of you. It is very scary to take that first step. But just taking one is a door opening to a beautiful future for the both of you. Congratulations on a job well done. It's never so easy as a first step. Life is made up of many steps, and steps that people must take together. Keep us posted on the great progress.
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Permalink Reply by Rodeli on
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Hi Nancy, I'm so happy it went well with your granddaughter! I truly was thinking of the two of you on Saturday as you know. You know I was thinking that maybe on another get together with her you guys can buy maybe some inexpensive knit hats or baseball caps and adhere or pin things to them to decorate them. She might have fun decorating hats the two of you can wear. My son and I had some fun taking fun artistic pictures on Saturday afternoon--check out some of my new pics! I may post more later. I let me son be the photographer for some (some I tried to take myself) and then I photo edited a few with the artistic feature. Maybe you can do a "photo shoot" with her sometime--let her take the pictures and maybe have some fun with the computer and let her help pic which ones you may want to post. Talk to you soon--have fun on your trip.
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Thanks everyone. I AM glad i had the opportunity to restart addressing this issue with my granddaughter. I think the first time, i was a little nervous, and it was like walking up the steps to someone important and then tripping. lol
I forgot one, subtle but important, thing she did. I have always kept a cap and sunglasses in the car for her to use in case the sun's on her side when we're driving. She doesn't use it a lot. But about half an hour toward the end of our visit, she decided to put it on. And i quietly observed that she put her sunglasses right above the visor of her cap.... just where i had my reading glasses. I smile as i type this :)
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Permalink Reply by cathie on
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Nancy
My daughter was 5 when she became totally bald over a 6 week period - she is still totally bald and is now8! We do not believe in hiding - you are going bald but you are still you and should not hide the fact for anyone especially family who love you for what and whoever you are,your granddaughter is feeling emotions she does not understand and may not have the opportunity to discuss it or explain how she feels, and that is why she is freezing - my daughter explained to her class in school about going bald via a story down loaded of the internet - about a bird loosing it's feathers and about the emotional aspect - sorry cannot remember the name of it- but she has never had one bad experience in school mainly due to the openness of children. Maybe if you can find a like story and send it to her it may open a channel of communication to help her express her feelings/confusion about it, but please be bald and proud!
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I will check on that book, Cathie. I'm sure i can find it by story content. Sounds like just what i am looking for.
My best to your brave granddaughter who is setting such a wonderful example for this scaredy-cat grown-up :)
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Permalink Reply by Sherry Washington on
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Just sit her down and talk to her about you still being the same. I have little nieces that told me to get a wig, and I told them I am beautiful with or without hair. We are not our hair so don't get so caught up in your looks because it's whats in your heart. From then on, I never heard a word. They embrace me as I am and your grandaughter needs to be the same way.
Please talk to her because this society is so caught up in their looks, but you could easily be missing a limb or got burned in a fire so what would she think then. Many blessings to you.
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