Alopecia World
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Granddaughter's reaction
I recently shaved my hair down to about 1/2 inch or so because I've lost so much anyway; and, I wanted to give my scalp a break from the traction hair loss. Anyway, I have a 7 yr old granddaughter who I get to see about every other month. I wore a cap the first visitation after I cut my hair off. She asked why I was wearing it; and, when I explained, she wanted to see my hair. I took my hat off; and, her only reaction then was "wow, you did lose a lot." She never said anything else or indicated that it bothered her. So, I wasn't sure what she was thinking. Our next visit we went to a movie. Part way through, I said I wanted to take my hat off 'cause it was a bit hot in the theater. She didn't say anything. But she looked at me with wide eyes, moved to the edge of her seat, and stiffened herself so she was looking directly at the movie screen. That just about broke my heart. She is one of the few people in my life who I really care about upsetting. I'm not sure how to talk to her about this. I don't want her to be one of those people who thinks there's something wrong with people who have hair loss. I don't want her to be distant from me because of it. If my hat is on, she's her usual laughing energetic self. When the hat comes off, she freezes. To make matters more complicated, she's not legally a part of my family; she was adopted and I have visitation as long as her parents say I can. If I give her any reason to not want to see me, that'll be it. They won't make her; and, I'll lose her. Really sad thing is she's very likely to inherit this. The female pattern baldness is frequently passed from paternal grandmother to her grandchildren (if they're going to get it). My sister and I both got it from our paternal grandmother. Anyway, I'm just afraid I'll alienate my granddaughter instead of being the inspiration for her to understand this. I don't know what to do. The parents don't really want to talk to me about anything; so, I'm pretty much on my own here.
Sorry for the rambling on...
Sorry for the rambling on...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lili Añel (aka Eulalia) on
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You're not rambling.
I feel you owe it to yourself and your granddaughter to "educate" her. Tell her you have Alopecia and what it is. You don't have to tell her more than she can handle, i.e., possible inheritance. She will respect you, continue to love you and understand in time.
This is no different from explaining to children about others who are different, born without limbs, blind, mentally retarded.
Have faith that she loves you. In educating her, you are loving yourself.
Lose the cap.
from your alopecian sister,
Lili
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Permalink Reply by lovelyjan on
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Hi Nancy,
I don't have grands, but I have two daughters who are now adults,but when they were younger, I felt that it was very important to protect them and never causing any embarrassment with the hair lost ,so yes I covered with many beautiful wigs. As time went by and they got older they began to accept it more. I always told them once they got older,it was all about me ,but the funny thing happen, I found out that it wasn't so much that they were embarrassed it was I. Now, I have learned to walk in a new light with Bald and Beautiful and so have my daughters. They too will accept it in time.
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Permalink Reply by Nancy King on
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Oh my! I had no idea i'd get so many responses. You have all been great with your thoughts and support. I'm still worried; but, i feel better. I have a lot to think about from the things you've all said. The timing for all of this is perfect too. I just got a phonecall from my granddaughter saying that we can have our next visit this Saturday, August 6th, International Alopecia Day! I think it was meant to be.
First of all, i was unable to find anyone in my area who is celebrating the day. So, i've been trying to think of something to do on my own. Also, IAD happens to fall three days before my birthday. I had asked for visitation either this weekend or next so my granddaughter and i can celebrate my birthday like we did last year. She and i had our own picnic in the park complete with little birthday cake and a candle. Depending on how she seems, maybe we'll go buy Mom-mom a new hat for her birthday (which she can help pick out). And maybe, again depending on how she feels - i don't want to force the issue, but maybe i can see if she'd be willing to take some pictures of me, birthday pictures, new hat pictures, Mom-mom blowing out her candle without her hat so it doesn't get in the way.
Do you all see how the energy flows when we all pull together? It's like everything fell right into place. This will be my answer for what to do for International Alopecia Day. And, it will be the beginning of helping my granddaughter adjust to her mom-mom's new look.
I have a smile on my face as i am typing this :)
Thank you all!
nancy
p.s. can we all pull together for decent weather too?? lol
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Permalink Reply by Mary on
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Yeah!!! This is exactly why International Alopecia Day was created! PLEASE send me photo(s) and I'll put them in my video/slide show for 2011. Mary
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Permalink Reply by MiNAH on
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Mary, you can take any photos you wish copy and paste. Or let me know till what date and where to send the photos.Would love to be in the SLIDE SHOW....
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Yes, I've taken photos from AW before (with permission of the subject, of course), and they're fine. Sometimes, the files are small and they end up a little blurry. But, you're right that people don't need to do anything but post. I just need to be advised when they've been posted. Thanks.
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Permalink Reply by Rodeli on
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I guess we will do our "Aliens Will Collide" another day--inside joke between Nancy and I. Didn't realize your birthday was a few days later--Happy Birthday! Have a great time with your granddaughter and we will so something special another day. By the way, maybe you can get someone to take pictures of you and her together. If you don't want to show her face for slide show, you have have some taken that are not full front face shots of her. If you go hat shopping, maybe you two can get matching hats! That would be cute and have a picture taken with your new hats. Whatever you decide will be good. She will give you cues. We should never underestimate the ability of our children. My son has handled it very well--much better than I could have expected. He's been dealing with my alopecia since he was 9 years old. Once he got past the assurance I did not have cancer and was not going to die, he was okay with it. I didn't make a big deal about it. Just explained it as simple as I could and told him he could ask me questions whenever he wanted--he rarely has--he just accepts it is just part of me. Tonight I started to laugh because I had an idea for a T-shirt I wanted to design and when I told him, he laughed and said "That is sooo cool, Mom, and very funny--I think you should do it!" Be comfortable and confident with her about it and she will respond according. Have fun!
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Permalink Reply by youarebeautiful on
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Hi,
I hope you work this out with your little granddaughter. I agree that it will take time for her to adjust.
Question: If your granddaughter is adopted, then how do you know that hereditary female pattern baldness will affect her? ??
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I've read many times that female pattern baldness is handed down from paternal grandmother to paternal granddaughter. The reason she has a chance of getting it is that she was taken from our family and adopted out (very long story there, and i wish i could've gotten her). So, she is my natural paternal granddaughter :)
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