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Great talk with the girlfriend.
I told my girlfriend of 14 months before I was even diagnosed that I suspected I had alopecia areata. I was not ever worried that she would reject me for it. But we never really talked about it. Like a lot of people she probably thought "it's just hair" and didn't understand the emotional turmoil I was going through, because I hid it.
I finally opened up about my feelings and we had a great talk. Her view of the situation was completely different than anyone I met. My brother said I should wear hats, my mom wants agressive treatment, my dad even suggested a toupee. Currently, I have been doing treatment and trying my best to cover the spots with my existing hair.
My girlfriend let me know she supports whatever, I do, but she felt the best thing to do was to cut it short (not shave), so the spots would be as noticeable as possible, and I would not have the option of even trying to cover them with existing hair. She was against hats, toupees, and comb-overs. She feels that acceptance is the way to deal with it. She acknowledges it will be very rough at first and I will be self-conscious, but that it will get me to acceptance faster if I have nothing to hide behind. She says she hates to see me stress about covering the spots. She likened it to a therapist making a germophobe lick a toilet (exposure therapy I think they call it)(she's a therapist).
I thought about what she said, and I am committed and we have discussed marriage, so why should what anyone thinks about the way I look, besides her, matter. I mean I don't want to scare away my clients, but I don't think most people would avoid a business relationship because their lawyer has freaky hair. I don't know. It does seem from some videos I have watched that the people who don't even try to hide it are the happiest and least self conscious of us.
I have seen a post or two on here about new alopecians scared to discuss this matter with their boyfriends/girlfriends. I say do it. They will either support you or not. Do you really want to be with someone if they can't support you on this? What if you get something much more serious in the future? If they can't be there for this, they certainly won't stick it through for that.
Has anyone tried this method of purposefully exposing their hair, eventhough its the last thing they want to do. If so what were your experiences? If you are patchy and proud, but were a former hider, what caused the change and how long was it before you went out and didn't freak out that everyone was looking at you?
Still not sure if I am going to do it, but the talk itself put me in such a better place. I love my girlfriend.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by ChrisM on
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Hi
Your girlfriend talks a lot of sense, in my opinion, and you'd do well to listen to her. If my lawyer had 'freaky hair', it would not affect my impression more than what he/she had to say. Alopecia, or any other inflicted condition, is quite different to life choices that people make about their appearance which might well affect one's first impressions.
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As not to be repetitive, I recommend that you read my discussion entitled, GOING COLD TURKEY. This discussion addresses my many years of covering up and my decision to go cold turkey from wearing wigs. It's been 3 months since I've shaved my hair. I have considered shaving it again, but want to give it more time for the spots to fill in. With prayer, a natural herb and a hair care system I found online, I am experiecing progress. I am still self-conscious about the spots - some days I'm not as self-conscious as other days. When I find myself focusing heavily on the spots and begin thinking that others are looking at them, it always helps me to remember that everyone has spots of some kind (imperfections). Keep looking up - God is looking down!
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Hi
Your girlfriend sounds lovely and is obviously very supportive of your needs. I guess that's what it is about... your needs.
I don't have alopecia but my 21 year old daughter does. She is happy and doing well. She was diagnosed with alopecia when she was 12.
Her wants around how to deal with her alopecia were a top priority for me for many years and really continue to be so. I'm always extremely interested as to how people find there way with this condition. In the years I have been reading and supporting people I think the biggest thing I have realised is that everybody deals with alopecia in the way that makes them most comfortable. I have felt that keeping the secret (of alopecia) can be difficult for people and sometimes it can cause issues that are more consuming than the condition itself. I also understand that many people don't want to be fully defined by this condition and prefer to be anonymous around it until they feel comfortable to talk about it with whomever they are with. There really isn't a wrong or right way but just the way that suits you and your personality.
For me it is about how you want to present yourself to the world and how that will impact you and your life. No hair, is a great option for some, but not all. Caps, hats, and scarf are a great comfortable alternative for some as well... again not all. Wigs and hair replacement alternatives work well for some...as I said not all.
I think if you work out the ongoing issues around any of these options and then work through the ways that you can manage that you will find an alternative that suits you.
Good luck with everything.
Rosh
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