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Hair loss affecting a marriage -- am I the only one?
I'm not sure what I'm hoping for -- advice?? Someone else who knows what I'm going through?
But I'm surprised I have not seen this mentioned anywhere, or maybe I missed it.
My hair loss has really affected our marriage. My husband says he has a hard time finding me attractive anymore, and it's obvious from his actions as well. Obviously this has all kinds of ramifications.
How do other people cope with this??
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Michelle on
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Great post! I'm glad you spoke on the side if the loved one. I had not really contemplated that with my original reply to poster. Since reading yours I am in total agreement. Maybe her wearing wigs for a while in his presence will ease him into the change.
Thanks!
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Permalink Reply by Sheena on
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Jenny,
I am so sorry you are having to deal with someone you love's perception of you while you are having to come to your own terms of your hair loss. I am not married yet, but I grew up with the ups and downs of alopecia all of my life and had to explain to every person I've dated that I wear a wig. The two serious relationships I've had my boyfriends have been nothing but understanding and actually preferred me without my wig and makeup. They told me I was beautiful constantly. I know for our loved ones appearances changing require some adjustments, but we are all going to get older and look different and if your husband cannot learn to accept you as you are now then he won't be able to later in life either. We all have our things that make us insecure and I don't think anyone should settle for someone who doesn't make us feel like those superficial things don't matter. What if you got breast cancer and had to remove your breasts to survive, would this be the same argument? You deserve to have someone tell you you're beautiful no matter what because it's hard enough trying to calm the demons of our own thoughts about how we look.
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Permalink Reply by The Bald & Beautiful on
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Hi Jenny
I'm sorry you find yourself in a negative situation that is out of your control. I've had androgenic alopecia for a while but decided to shave it all off & really accept the hair is not coming back for about a year now. I was really sad at first then I just decided that even tho this was out of my control I could still live a healthy life unlike so many other people. Some people have lost their limbs, ability of motor function or even their lives. I in comparison didn't have that much to be upset about.
My husband of 10 yrs and friend 16 had been great he shaves my head for me tells me I'm beautiful and never purposely makes me feel less than. That's the key thing....he never does so on purpose. He is a faulty human just like everyone. He makes mistakes, can be selfish and at times say or do things to cause me pain but not to be mean. Truth is Alopecia of any kind is a hard thing to live with since we're, especially women are indoctrinated to believe hair becomes part of our femininity. That of course is just not true but for less mature or ignorant individuals they haven't realized it yet.
I've recently been struggling internally with wondering if my husband truly finds me attractive without my hair. I wear wigs going out but not at home. I asked him the other day if he preferred I wear my wigs in the bedroom during intimate moments and I could tell as he hesitated and took his time to answer that he would in the least like to try it but was afraid to say so thinking it might hurt my feelings. I told him honestly how I felt since I'm not known to hold back the truth or my feelings from those I know. I said if he wanted to see my wigs in the bedroom then he would have to wear them since I'm just not going to pretend to be something I'm not during intimate moments that I only share with someone I love who I expect and deserve to love me back for who I truly am.
So we started to talk about this and I pointedly asked him if he found me less attractive without my hair, I myself do to an extent. Instead he asked me if I would find him less attractive without his hair. I actually would but only a minute amount and I would still love and care for him the same.
I guess my point is we're hard wired to expect humans with hair and especially women but the truth is we wouldn't allow for someone to not accept us if we lost a limb, breast, some kind of abilities etc. So, why would you allow someone to treat you differently due to something completely out of your control. You are still the same person you always were maybe just a little braver and more compassionate towards other people. Don't accept anything les than you deserve or you do yourself a disservice. I've always said you can't be a doormat if you don't lie down on the floor and allow people to walk on you. No one will stand up for yuo in this life you have to fight for what you want and deserve. Be strong and carry on :)
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I am not married and have been in a relationship for a short while. Several weeks ago, I took my wig off and revealed my hair loss to him and he told me that regardless he still loved me. His behavior has not changed and his actions show me how loving and caring he is. I believe that you deserve that and if your husband can not give that to you, be sure to love yourself and give yourself what you need to be encouraged and feel beautiful. God bless you!
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Permalink Reply by Tim Irvine on
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Jenny,
This is hard for you I know. I imagine most people find it so appalling because when you fall in love, it's supposed to be with the person inside, it's not supposed to matter if you look a certain way. True as that may be, there is a different perspective you should also consider. In the beginning of your relationship, when you met, he was attracted to you, in all that you are. While you may be the same person inwardly, you have changed outwardly. Alopecia can have a ripple effect on us as well. You may not realize it, but it has changed you in more ways that you know. He may not be attracted to you in the way he was; he can't be, you are both evolving inwardly as well as outwardly.
Your relationship must also evolve. It can. It is an adjustment for you both. You have been dealing with such a roller coaster of emotions brought on by your Alopecia that you can't imagine how it has changed you. Alopecia can make us insecure, ashamed and less outgoing than we might have been before. No need to over compensate for that. In time, you will adjust. Keep in mind, he too has been affected by this. Just because he may have pulled away physically, doesn't mean he doesn't hurt for you and what you are dealing with. In time, I think you will grow more comfortable with Alopecia, and he will grow more comfortable with who you are becoming.
Alopecia makes us more hyper sensitive, and my best advice is to not make snap judgments. It sounds like your Alopecia journey is still very new, and I hope in time, you will feel more at ease with it. Best of luck. I hope this helped in some small way. Tim
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Thank you!
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Permalink Reply by kymkym on
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Tim, your response is priceless. I really hope Jenny can appreciate your reply along with so many others.
Cheers
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Permalink Reply by Raya on
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What happened to sickness and in health ? why do people take these kinds of vows if they can't stand behind them? did he marry you only for your looks?
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That is terrible, my husband has been so loving and supportive I am sorry to hear that. If he truly loves you he would accept and support what you are going through. It is hard enough for us to love ourselves without anyone being critical!
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I really enjoyed what ROBB wrote earlier and I think in the same way.
I have lived 11 years with a person he thought me beautiful without no hair . I have alopecia totalis.
Today dating another person, who also likes my bald. So far I have not suffered rejection because of my alopecia .I have been loved and have been courted as I am.
I believe that love and beauty, we can have regardless of having hair or not.
In my opinion, the most important is that we value and like ourselves, above all.
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I am sad for you but understand. My husband is supportive, but tells me all of the time how grateful he is that I purchased my head piece to cover the loss. He says he understands how much better I feel with it on, but I know that is for both of us really. He doesn't say anything when I am at home not wearing it, but I am embarrassed and feel uncomfortable always. it is my problem I know, but I am troubled trying to hide it comfortably and to look cute too. Headbands and baseball caps, but you can't sleep in them and mornings are tough.
I say wear your wig as much as you can, and if not, then put on make up, cute jewlery and try to make a statement about how cool you really are. (Wish I could take my own advice!!! -- but I am not all shaved yet, just wispy, frizzy, and Wierd).
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