Help! I am struggling in more ways than one!

So the other day my partner left me. We have been together for 6 years!!! It was a real wake up call for me. I realized I have been so self involved with my hair loss and trying to self accept that I have neglected the person who means the most to me. I have taking my pain out on him, the point where he couldn't take it any longer!

I am not his person..I was not this person...how do I get myself back? and how do I get him back? I don't want to loose him forever?:(

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Permalink Reply by Jennah on March 6, 2012 at 2:39pm

THanks :)

Permalink Reply by David on March 6, 2012 at 4:09pm

Hey Jennah.

I feel you so much on this one. (I am currently on a short term leave of absence from work after the loss of a relationship, and the same time my hair :/) Stay strong, and do whats right for you. Try to keep moving in what is the best for you on your own. In my experance you have to keep doing that. If he comes back and it works out that would awesome, (I hope it works out that way for you ;) ) However in the mean time you have to focus on you, and building yourself without the idea of someone else deifining you. People fall for other people because they love who they are. If you can't find love in yourself it will be hard for someone else to find that in you. Not to assume thats where you are just don't let the past drag you down. Try your hardest to focus on the small positive things that happen, and move forward for you. ( I know all these words sound nice on paper, believe me I know) Hoping the best for you! Hang in there.

Permalink Reply by Jennah on March 6, 2012 at 5:36pm

Hwy thanks for the advice David. WHat you said is so true. I need to do that...and I will..it is hard though :)

Permalink Reply by Jennah on March 6, 2012 at 5:37pm

oops I mean't hey btw hehe

Permalink Reply by Raj on March 7, 2012 at 10:47am

Hi.. I am a fighter and fighting with this disease... now treatement for this prolem is nearby and even though in trial stage..
I am touch with few institutes.. but as i am in India..I am bit septical about the authenticity of the hospital/research institute before going for treatment
I have made one post and looking for reply from the americans,,
http://www.alopeciaworld.com/forum/topics/au-treatment-claimed-by-w...
lets see

Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on March 8, 2012 at 12:01pm

Hi Jenn

I think you already know the answers to your questions, but it may be just a little frightening to face all that is going on with you at the moment.

I don't feel your relationship foundered because of your hairloss, but possibly because of how you are choosing to work through the issues that hairloss brings. Don't be too hard on yourself as it isn't easy.

If you continue to work on you and what your needs are, I believe you will find your way through this horrible time.

Maybe this is the time for you to fully concentrate on you so you can be all you want to be in your relationship.

Rosy

Permalink Reply by Jennah on March 9, 2012 at 10:44pm

Thank you good advice:)

Permalink Reply by Steve Peck on March 9, 2012 at 12:06am

Jennah,

I'm sorry to hear of your loss and I understand the stress of losing your hair. I host a Divorce/Relationship radio show and although your not getting a divorce, the feelings of separation are the same.

I went through our archive and picked out a program that might help you. This link is for just one of the ten-part series I did with Shelley Stile. I hope it helps you. http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/acceptance-and-moving-on-with-you...

-Steve Peck

Permalink Reply by Jennah on March 9, 2012 at 10:44pm

Thanks :)

Permalink Reply by Jane on March 10, 2012 at 9:44am

Jennah,
What you need is time to heal and focus on staying healthy. The fact that you also had to move out says a lot about what may have been going on with him. Don’t worry, you will meet that special someone who will understand your situation and fulfill your needs as it should be. Good luck to you and give yourself time to heal and you will see that it really isn’t the end of the world, he just wasn’t the one. But, that’s okay, too.

Many blessings and hugs,
J.

Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on March 10, 2012 at 11:38am

Jennah, I just completed a class on assessing the reasons (functions) of undesired behaviors in students, and thought maybe some of this could apply in the area of relationships. What teachers are supposed to do is figure out WHY a student is acting a certain way...like, what does he/she GAIN by the behavior (Justice? Attention? Preferred activity? Social group?) or ESCAPE/AVOID by the behavior (Task perceived to be too hard? Directions from an adult? Certain people or bully environment?)...then, substitute it with a pay-off that is desired equally or more by the student, but that will bring on acceptable behaviors in school and relief for the teacher and other students. Getting attention by giving a funny oral report in history class is better than clowning during the teacher's instruction, for example. Usually, the teacher rewards the new behaviors and ignors the undesired ones.

So...relationship-wise...what did your guy want to gain or escape? What have YOU been trying to gain for yourself or to escape? All this has to be individual, because even though we talk up being in a pertnership or team, ultimately human beings are quite selfish and protective of their own needs. We also have fears about changes (like me: fear of losing family, fear of flying over bodies of water, fear of losing or trading away my home, my California, my culture, my teaching certification and my belongings). If you could make a list for each of you, you might find that peace-of-mind and relaxing conversation topics play in somewhere. I'll bet avoidance of emotional pain about alopecia would, too. We all have subjects we want to avoid, pains we don't want to address, confessions we aren't ready to make, and people who are not sensitive to others. When we can do nothing about others, we can only take care of ourselves (Google "The Serenity Prayer").

Who knows why people profess love, then disappear? Who knows why a daily, loving call or visit is taken away by The Force? Without words, we can only look at the clues and make our own assumptions...but then tiptoe away and go after our own job counseling, alopecia research, family relationships, close friendships with those who ARE open and kind, education, hobbies and entertainment, faith, garden, music, style, whatever. It looks like you have done an inventory of your own "faults," but do not neglect that he may have made some errors in dealing with YOU. We tend to glorify the other near the end of a relationship, and sometimes only time and distance can allow us the perspective on things that just didn't "fit."

Where else can you find what you want to gain (and HAIR may not be achievable, so pick knowledge until we have a cure) or what you are trying to escape? Is it too late to offer HIM peace about what you enjoyed about him, and to let him know your stresses are not something he, as a man, needs to solve for you? (I heard men pride themselves on being able to fix things, but some things just can't be fixed...like alopecia or unemployment!). And, if any man wants to gain arm-candy with long hair, bragging rights to his friends or family about his woman's hair, money, fame or anything else (ahem!)...oh well. He will have to find that somewhere else, right? If he was ready to be with you for better or for worse for REAL, and could say it out loud (with witnesses, ha ha?), do you think he would be able to have an adult conversation with you about all that happened...or would he still AVOID?

Keep thinking...but from a distance, to get your own perspective back. I'll bet you could also find, if you looked around, many other professionals or friends who can give you the attention you need...just in different ways. The part about missing HIM will just have to be.

Permalink Reply by Jennah on March 13, 2012 at 5:43am

Thank you so much. Your comment really made me think...I have been blaming myself...and on reflection there are many faults on his part...and yes I have asked him if we may talk about it openly and honestly and he just refuses. It seems as though he has changed overnight from the caring person I once new ...into someone cold and uncaring it is very hurtful after 6 years that he wont man up and just talk about it...not for me to persuade him otherwise...but to give me a sense of closure. I am left feeling he despises me without a real reason...I am just trying to focus on working on myself and my friends and family...taking up activities I have wanted to try for some time....I guess If not anything else it has made me wake up to the fact that I need to not let my hair loss ruin my life and stop me from doing what I would like to do and be afraid. I need to find joy in other things and stop focusing on the negative. So thank you so much for your comment it meant something to me :)

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