Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Georgie on October 4, 2009 at 9:29pm

I'm also with Susan on this one. I had to do the same with my father when I revealed my AA to him...he's 78, eastern European....also grew up during the war, etc...you get the drift. Anyone who is different than himself....he wants nothing to do with. He didn't want to believe anything I had to say. It was all wrong to him and there had to be some other reason for my hair loss....like that my husband was pulling it out while I was sleeping!! The same thing happened when I told him that I was hypothyroid. I ended up mailing him a stack of literature written in the simplest text I could find. Who knows if he ever read it or looked online to find any answers...or even ask his own doctor to explain it to him. He doesn't know that I'm gluten-free now and that I have a dairy allergy....we haven't spoken for a year now. I can't even imagine what kind of a reaction that would bring.....he would probably tell me that it's all in my head and that I'm crazy! I know it's bad but sometimes I wish that hair falling out was from stress...because then I'd have my answer....him! *sigh* I have a husband who loves me and his family loves me. And my daughters love me. My friends don't care about my bald patches or my food issues. It's all about the inside. :)

Permalink Reply by Melanie on October 5, 2009 at 3:24am

My mom is in her early 50s and is just as stressed about Logan's alopecia as I am. I've had to tell her several times now that I do not want his hair loss to be the centre of attention when she's around. She's been pretty good about adhering to that rule. The only thing that really agitates me is the incessant talk about it when he's not around. Reasons why he may have it, treatments, "Are you doing enough research?", etc. I'm trying to deal with this in my own way as well because I feel like I've failed him somehow; I know that's irrational but this is very difficult to deal with. She loves him so much but sometimes it's just so frustrating when sometimes all I want to do is forget about it for a while. I'm open to any kind of suggestions regarding treatments we could try that do not involve hormones or pain - I haven't looked much into options.

Permalink Reply by Susan - Jon's Mum on October 11, 2009 at 8:26am

Annie
We have the same sort of problem with my father-in-law. Except in relation to Jon's anxiety. Jon's anxiety stems from his alopecia.
My father-in-law thinks that all Jon needs is a good kick up the butt. That we are too soft on him and we should be harder and have more discipline. He thinks that Jon shouldn't be worried about losing his hair (though he has a good head of hair and wouldn't know what it is like at all to lose it). He is 76 and thinks and actually says that he knows best.
I can relate to how you feel. We have told my husbands parents to stay away until either Jon feels better or they have a better attitude.
When Jon first lost his hair at age 6 my father-in-law made things worse by what he said to Jon and what he said in front of Jon. We are not going to let that happen again.
I guess at their age they can't help thinking that they know all because of all they have been through. But they are not in touch with the way things are today. And they don't know what is best for our children - we do.
By the way i totally agree with Susan and Georgie.

Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on October 12, 2009 at 9:43am

Well spoken by many helpful responses. There's only a wee bit you can do to influence/educate/ cajole and otherwise alter grandma's behaviour, but not much. Lower your expectations.

I would add that in your role as daughter-in-law, you don't have to love your mother-in-law, not even like her. Support does not need to come from the people who are related to you by blood nor marriage. It would be nice, but it's unrealistic to expect that it's always going to be that way. Often it isn't. Fill up with support from other sources and she will seem less of an obstacle.

The part that you can control is your own part. You can give it a try to educate her better. Take comfort that you tried your best and then trust that you've done the best you can and then focus on yourself and your child. You can't expect more of yourself than giving it your best effort.

Your daughter will undoubtedly pick up on the tension that this grandmother creates. Nonverbal is stronger than verbal . Just like mom and dad have different ways of doing things, grandparents come in different styles too.

It's normal to want her accept you and how you choose to do things for your family, so all her words can come off as a rejection of you personally. There's also guilt that you're supposed to like her.

Put on a virtual coat of teflon, lower your standards so you no longer feel any personal rejection and imagine that all her beliefs and words just slip right off you and out the door. It takes practice to do an image switch in your mind but after a few weeks you can replace the sting she tosses and replace it with something else. Using the imagery that you're wearing teflon and her words cannot penetrate can help a lot.

thea
baldgirlsdolunch.org

Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on October 12, 2009 at 11:37pm

Hi

I very much understand how you are feeling. As a parent there are always people ready to tell you that what you have chosen to do is wrong. But the truth is we have to stand and fall by those decisions and so do our children. When something like this comes into your child's life you just want to fix it - then you realise you can't. I believe you are well educated on what will work for your daughter and even though Granma can be listened to the end decision and result of that decision is totally on your shoulders. Parenting a child with alopecia is very hard.

In my family I did all the research and therefore when grandparents made suggestions (that were sometimes just a bit silly) I was able to tell them what alopecia is, what the alternatives were, how they would and could effect my daughter, how I felt I needed to support her and finally, why I needed there support for what I was doing. I was told that I focused on her condition too much and that I was making it a big deal. (When that comment was made to me I thought to myself - all very well when you don't live with the results of the condition 24/7). I'm my daughter's biggest advocate and now that she is older I still discuss the decisions I made (with her help) and whether we got them right. She feels that we did and appreciates that she was in on all decision but that we had taken a stand on what we felt would be best for her - it was not ultimately her decision - it was ours - we were/are the parents. You can't leave all the deicision that need to be made for your child - up to your child - they must have input but your knowledge and care are what they are depending on.

In my opinion you are doing all the right things. Your daugther is involved in how she wants to handle her alopecia. You are talking openly about the alternatives that are available and no matter what granma says - you have it under control and are doing your best.

Do your research and pass this all on to granma so she can also become well informed and support your decisions. When people know more they tend to make better decisions.

You're doing a great job.

Rosy