Alopecia World
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How do I ever feel sexy again?
Hi All -
Wanting some advice and tips on how to feel "sexy" again. My husband and I are having a tough time in relation to intimacy. I have lost all self-confidence and he doesn't seem to understand why.
He is saying that it's always my issues that we have to overcome, and that he still finds me attractive, sexy and wants me to want him. I find myself thinking of everything like I don't want him to see me without my hat on, what if my hat falls off during intimacy, etc., etc., etc.
Am I self-sabotaging?! I wear wigs during the day - should I wear one to overcome the self-consciousness?
How do I get my mojo back??
He is trying to find his own way of dealing with my lack of sex drive. I would hate to think of how he is going to "deal with this."
In a way it feels like he is chucking a tantrum because things aren't going his way.
Has anyone been through this? What did you do to overcome it? HELP?!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kim on
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I have UA (over a year now) and go through this every time! My husband doesn't care at all about it, he loves me and wants to have sex with me. So, here's what I do...I put EXTRA tape on my wig cap and FAKE IT! Not fake orgasms, I fake "feeling sexy" and then you know what? After things get started, voila, feeling sexy! I won't lie and say that I don't think about my wig, touch the hairline to see if it's moved (it has!) but I'm working really hard to let that go. Not there yet, but working on it.
I'm not lucky that I lost my hair, but I'm damn lucky my husband couldn't care less. In that respect, I'm the luckiest woman in the world. I've talked with women who have husbands that won't help pay for their wigs, that have husbands that won't let their wives take their hair off in front of them...my god, how awful!
It's hard for me, but my 2cents, extra tape, take a deep breath, take off your clothes and try not to think about your hair. Yes, easier said than done. Sex is important in a relationship, doubly so for men. My husband gives me space, understands my hesitancy and insecurity. So, in return, I need to be half of this partnership and understand his needs.
Again, extra tape and just do it!
All the best!
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Permalink Reply by Michael Powers on
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I very highly recommend "Passionate Marriage" as a book to read about just this subject. This goes way beyond the hair loss and into the dynamic of how to show up as a strong person while in a deeply important relationship. It also deals squarely with different sexual appetites and desires in a marriage or long term relationship.
The short version is that your focus has slipped external to what your husband thinks and to what you think he (and some outside judge you think is watching) will find sexy or not. The real question is 'what makes you want sex, and how, and when" - what are your preferences. The challenge is then whether or not you will have the courage to hold onto what you want and show up without embarrassment. Your partner will then have to adjust and show up also ... or they might try to throw you off balance so they dont have to show up. The real trick is holding your place without lashing out or trying to control your partner.
Your relationship is there as a great place to grow up and grow stronger. Use it for that purpose rather than a place to get pats on the back (soothing) and things will go a LOT better. I have no doubt that once you start showing up in this way that your husbands challenges will come front and center. He is likely to have a much harder time than you once you get going.
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When my wife started losing her hair, she went through a lot of the same issues. I married her, not her hair. It was hard for her to understand that. If my hair all falls out as I grow older, she will still love me the same.
You are still you. As beautiful now as you ever were. Don't let something as silly as hair define who you really are as a person. Many women shave their heads & the public at large reverse them.
After a while I took my wife into the bathroom sink and we shaved, what was left of her hair off. She didn't have to worry about it falling out because it was all gone. Then I started doing henna tattoos on her head. A different design each week. It was her way of getting her hair done.
As far as your husbands acceptenc of you. Make him a part of what you are going through. Don't push him away. We get married because we love one another. We are supposed to go through the trials of life together. We support each other through everything, good & bad. Enjoy him & allow him to enjoy you. :)
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Permalink Reply by JannicaOlin on
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Hi Marina!
I totally get it, and it is a process. Embracing your new physicality can be tough. It is entirely your process. Your husband loves and thinks your super sexy, so don't worry about him. Share with him what you are worried about; what would it feel like for you if your hat fell off? Why would it feel that way?
Invite him into your fears and share and be vulnerable.
There are no issues to overcome, but rather to just embrace. Let him know what you need from him.
I am taking a pole dance class at S factor in LA. I don't know where you live but they have locations in several places. Factor is a journey; no mirrors in the studio..... it's about finding your own femininity and to bring out your sexy that is already there. I go in to class with no hair, and it has been confronting. I'm going to bring in a wig next time to wear for our choreography, to see how my body responds to the extra movement, but these classes are transformational and empowering, and it might be a fun place for you to go play and embrace yourself. Check it out.
Look into what is fun about Alopecia? I love that I have different wigs and can go from brunette to blonde to a redhead in minutes :)
Another fantastic place for self development is the Landmark Forum. Without that course, I probably would still have been in hiding. Now I get to be a model and got my agent as an actress because I'm bald.
Let me know if you need support.
Jannica
@jannicao (instagram)
FB: jannica olin
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Permalink Reply by jahjib on
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Martina, I don't know how you will take this but it is important to say. Your Mojo is still with you, you have forgotten that the most beautiful sexy thing about you is between your ears. That is to say in your mind. I feel for you because you forgot how you got your husband in the first place. It was not because of how you looked, it was because of who you are.
God gave you beauty in a way too many people forget, it's how you think of yourself that beauty is displayed. You feel it from within and it shows without. Sexy will now start from your real self, the beauty of how your makeup is presented and the dress you wear, sexy shoes and what you have him think about the new you. Looks fade and in the end all you have is the feelings of love and relationship that has been developed over the years that become the beautiful love you both share. I can say this because i have been married for 28 years to my wife and she has changed with time but I still see the same beautiful girl that took my heart so many years ago. she has lost her eyebrows her hair got much thinner and she gained a few pounds but I fell in love with her not the way she looked or the eyebrows on her face, her the person who I saw and wanted to share my life with and today it's as it always was I love her so. You just become who you are now, the same woman he fell in love with and work with what you have. You find the beauty that is you today and show him that you are the same person you where then, but you have a new you to show.
Love who you are and he will also.
A husband that knows where love is from, Inside of you and beams out of you, that's Gods kind of love. Remember you can't see him but you still love him, Don't you? Be in peace.
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I understand you completely, when I was first diagnosed my self esteem took a toll. Clumps of hair started falling out rapidly. It took me awhile to even talk to my parents about it and show myself to them (even though they knew)A year and a half passed and I learned to deal with it and my confidence grew as well. I didn't understand how any man could love me like this(especially since men are so visual!!).. But when a man really loves you he will love you exactly how you are imperfections and all. There are no exceptions. If he says he loves you like that, believe it. The sooner you do, the sooner you will come to terms with your condition and love yourself. My boyfriend is quite handsome so naturally I was extremely insecure, he knew I was sick but didn't know with what. I didn't want to tell him either, im sure you know how hard it is. Lo and behold he did his own research and found out on his own. Asked me about it and I took a chance and told him. Said that didn't matter. Saw me without eyebrows and eyelashes, or hair. Saw me at my worst. He didn't change in any way towards me afterwards, if anything things got a whole lot better, sex life was better too. Am I the exception? No. My exboyfriend didn't bat an eye when I told him about my condition nor when he saw me. He loved me as well. We broke up later, for various reasons, my appearance was NOT a reason for it.That being said,I know you are insecure about yourself, I have been there. But please. Stop. You are killing yourself with your insecurities and you will push everybody away if you don't come to terms with yourself. Take a chance. Allow yourself to heal.
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BTW. Go to an endocrinologist. You'd be surprised how a hormonal imbalance can screw you up. That's what happened with me. I have a full head of hair now.
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I feel lucky to have someone who doesn't care about my appearance... In matter of fact my boyfriend had an ex-girlfriend who was gorgeous, beautiful, on my best day I wouldn't stand a chance agains her. However, he says that she was ugly on the inside, abusive, jealous. Brought me home to his parents, he never took his ex home and they were together for 5 years!! So now that he is with me he is like "Ex-girlfriend? Who?"
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Permalink Reply by Kim on
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Hi Martina. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.. Gosh life is tough enough, being a women is challenging, nevermind our raging hormones & insecurities... and now we have to lose our freakin hair! All I can tell you is this.. Don't let the alopecia win!!Don't allow it to take away your confidence & your self worth. You know what sexy feels like. You've just hit a bad patch but you are one of the fortunate ones to have someone to love & support you but Men don't think like we do & don't understand our insecurities. Do what you know makes you feel sexy and confident. You have the power & inner strength. It's just a rough patch which is totally ok and normal. My suggestion would be not to wear a hat when your being intimate. Find yourself a cheap but super sexy & besutiul wig to wear & use tape. Feel beautiful. If you feel good about yourself, the world will see it! Feel fee to message me anytime to chat. X Kim
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Permalink Reply by R_ijana on
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You know how many times per day I think that people are soooooo lucky to have hair and how they do not appreciate it???? You need to appreciate that you have husband and be grateful and give him all of your love.... He loves you, he is with you, he is there for you! Enjoy, don't look for problems, receive happiness.
I am a single mother, I have very small chances to meet someone, and just imagine that moment when I would hAve to let him know????
So reading your story makes me wish you strength and appreciation. It sucks to stay alone....
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Hello Martina!
I'm Daniel, I do not have alopecia, but I'm here cause I'm dating a girl with alopecia for a while. Our relationship is pretty complicated so I requested an account here so I can understand better the feelings and thoughts of a girl with alopecia.
Well I can give you the point of view of a partner of girl who has alopecia, and maybe your husband might understand me as well.
When we boys love, is not like most people say, we do love with heart and soul, and probably the most significant trouble that your husband might have due the lack of intimacy or complications due the alopecia is to feel lack of trust from you.
Is like, "why she can't trust me enough to let me caress her?" and those kind of thoughts.. We can understand that is a big deal to lose the hair and feel less sexy and that every girl has different ways to endure some situations. But if we love someone that much, we would like that person to feel safe with us.
My girl in the beginning used a wig, but was the wig she used everyday so I had to be super careful to not pull the hairs, not even touch her head. And that was not difficult, but gave me an unpleasant feeling, and those question appear on my head, why I can't touch her, why she does not trust me enough, maybe she trust someone else to do so, why not me...
and when you are in a relationships, those thoughts are awful!
So what can I suggest you.
Well, first, let him see you as you are, in days is going to be so natural that I wont bother you.
If you want to use a wig on romantic nights, you can get a spare one, so he doesn't need to be worried about pulling too much hair, if you do so, you can spice things up with wigs of different colours, so you can be blonde some nights. But thats for play.
You really need to understand that despite alopecia, your husband loves you, and love is about trust, if you love him, trust him.
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