How to accept being ugly

This is going to sound majorly harsh, but hear me out.

I feel like the "bald is beautiful" is a lie we tell ourselves and others just to feel better. I don't think bald is beautiful. I think some can be beautiful IN SPITE of being bald, but it will always detract from their appearance. I don't want to pamper myself and say that if I take a bubble bath and get new clothes and work on the rest of my appearance and "do things to make myself feel pretty" I'll feel attractive, because guess what, I'm not, and I won't try to fool myself into thinking I am. I'm sorry, I realize how insulting to everyone this sounds, but looks DO weigh more than personality in the world. Unfair and sucky, but it's true and we all know it. Jobs, dating, personal worth largely hinges on social perception of ourselves. I can't look a certain way and I can't fool myself into feeling a certain way and so normally I focus on other things, but I'm still never really ok. I go through life knowing that disgust is power, and so no one will mess with me because in a way, walking around with a half smooth half shaved head makes me look tough. But still, I know I am still not ok with my ugliness. 

There must be a way to peace without lying to myself. Question is, how can I come to terms and accept that I am ugly? Any thoughts?

-PG

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Permalink Reply by Tom on January 8, 2017 at 8:11pm
I have AU. Have had for 40 years. Yes it's hard at times.especialy at a young age. It started for me at 19.unfortunatly we are taught as children to be just like everyone else. Hopefully we learn better than that before we get to old. I'm totally bald. I lived trough situations in the army that I'm proud that survived. There are women who like bald guys. There are women who don't like bald guys and their are women who just don't care. It's really not any of my business what other people think of me. They can think whatever they want about me. I hear many of you say people stare at you. Been there not true. In my mind they all turned and looked at me and made comment I couldn't here.I was seeing a therapist that time at that time who was hard on me but I learned so much from her. She took me to a restaurant for lunch and after our food arrived she said ok who is staring at you.after looking around for a time I had to admit no one was. They weren't talking about me and most I'm sure didn't notice me at all. It was all in my mind. Every time someone makes a stupid comment we take it to heart and believe them and think everyone is like that.my list point is that the couples who I know who are the happiest are the ones who love each other so much nothing else matters. I have a friend who is 6'8" tall his wife is barely 5 feet. I have a friend who is in business but could work as a model, her husband is severely handicapped and confined to a wheel chair and was when they met. And they are deeply in love.if all We are is our hair no wonder we can't find relationships!
Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on January 8, 2017 at 8:30pm

Brilliantly stated Tom! Totally 100% TRUE!

Permalink Reply by Tom on January 9, 2017 at 7:06pm
I can only speak for myself. I have AU have had for a long time. If I met a woman who had any variety of Alopecia it would be fine. If she wanted to wear a wig it would be fine. And it would be her choice where and when. If it made her feel more comfortable great. It would not be a problem at all if she wore it around me or not. And she would definatly know I was fine with it. What I find attractive is a mature self assured intelligent woman who knows what she wants and has a place in her life for me. That's it ,
Permalink Reply by Marie on January 1, 2017 at 1:04pm
"Jobs, dating, personal worth largely hinges on social perception of ourselves."

Ahhh...that's the error. It hinges on OUR perception of ourselves. I've been there.

https://youtu.be/VfKfwc0FIes
Permalink Reply by Finley on January 2, 2017 at 12:39pm

@ Jenny: my husband doesn't "care" in the sense that he likes my head shaved, and he likes when I wear wigs. It just isn't a big deal in our relationship. But he sure cares about my struggle and how I feel about myself.

@ Kim: you said "we are ugly" "Disgust is Power" "Women are outcasts, if they are bald!" and "None of your friends would date a freak like me .....nor would you.  You would be ashamed to be seen in public with me."  I really want to know, how did you learn to think like this, what happened? Because my experience has been totally different. I believe I am a valuable person, my husband loves me, my friends are lucky to have me and vise-versa, I am accepted and loved, anyone that would outcast me, to hell with them. Really, I care, what happened to make you think this way?

Permalink Reply by Dollhead on January 2, 2017 at 8:32pm

Everybody who keeps telling the OP and Kim about their experiences that prove that it doesn't matter if you don't have hair, that the right person will love you for the right reasons, etc. are discounting people who haven't had the same experience. I was fortunate to have a husband who loved me even without hair (although I never let him see me without a wig on), that doesn't mean that is everybody's experience. You may feel comfortable letting people see you without a wig on; I buy the same wigs and the same length because I don't want people to be clued by a radically different hairstyle/hair length that this might not be my hair. If you think that looks don't play a huge part in getting a job or advancement, then you either own your own businesses or are deliberately choosing to ignore what's around you. There have been studies done on people ***with**** hair in regards to who gets hired, who gets promoted, etc. based on looks, and there is definitely a type for whom it is much easier to advance than not. I'm enough of a realist to know that I look better with hair than without, just like I know my size 18 butt's not going to fit in size 0 jeans - and that no matter how much weight I loose, I don't have the body structure to wear size 0 jeans.

Permalink Reply by Return_life on January 3, 2017 at 11:19am
nailed it
Permalink Reply by SwissAlopecian on January 3, 2017 at 6:06pm

exacly

Permalink Reply by Finley on January 3, 2017 at 1:44pm

I know I wasn't discounting other peoples negative experiences, nor have I acted like I don't want to hear it.

This is a great forum to vent frustration, and believe me all my experiences have NOT been positive. So yeah.. I think it's important for us to talk openly about the messed up shit that happens because we've lost our hair, but that also doesn't mean they are "deliberately choosing to ignore what's around" when they choose to focus on whats good and positive.

Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on January 26, 2017 at 8:59am

I've read Connie's Blog and it is wonderful!  She's an inspiration!!  My husband is the same way.

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