I don't want to tell my boyfriend that I have alopecia

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 months and I just cannot bring myself to tell him that I have alopecia. I really want to keep it to myself and not ever tell him, that is honestly how I feel.

On one hand I feel like I am hiding my true self from him, (but my hair doesn't define who I am)...then on the other hand, I don't want to "disappoint" him or make him feel "duped" by having fallen in love with me. I know he doesn't just love me for my looks, but I know that it has a part in it. He is always complimenting me on my gorgeous black hair...and I feel bad in a way for accepting the compliments.

The truth is that I see a future with him, but I am just absolutely petrified that if I tell him, I will lose him.

I thought about telling him right away when we first started dating, but just kept putting it off because I wanted to enjoy my time with him and not discuss my issues.

I have a very low self esteem without the wig, and I wouldn't want him to ever see me without it. Even though my hair doesn't define me, I do feel somewhat "complete" and more me when I have it. I don't mean to sound vain, but having struggled with alopecia on and off for 15 years or so, and I just can't accept that my hair might not grow back.

I would appreciate some insight or perspective on the idea of telling the person you love that you have alopecia. Is it wrong if I don't ever tell him? I do a pretty good job at hiding it (although there have been 2 occasions where he asked if I drew on my eyebrows - and just him asking me that, mortified me.) Of course, I am always a little afraid of my family or close friends "spilling the beans" to him...they accept me without my hair, so why shouldn't he? Then again, I don't even accept me without my hair.

There have been times where I felt like I wanted to come clean and tell him, but I am so afraid of losing him. He is my first love and has brought me such happiness. I have so many other issues that he has had to deal with, and I almost don't want to burden him with another. I want him to look at me and think I am perfect and beautiful (now I really do sound vain.) I am really struggling with this whole concept of revealing your alopecia to your loved one. I really don't want to do it.

Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Sarah

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Dominique Cleopatra on August 9, 2011 at 1:34am
How have you been able to hide you alopecia from your boyfriend of SEVEN MONTHS!!! Are you sure he doesn't already know??
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 12:47pm
Like I said, I do a good job at hiding it. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know. He is a perceptive guy, notices everything, so I think he would have asked about it if he knew something was different.
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 2:29am
I personally think you should tell him. If he didn't accept it and left you then he wasn't worth it in the first place! If you have been together this long and he loves you then having no hair shouldn't matter. Why would you want someone in your life if they can't accept what is part of you. I dont like my husband seeing my bald head as i feel self conscious and unfeminine but i know he loves me regardless and i wouldn't want to have to always hide it from him. I think you need to be open and honest with him and if he is worth it he might surprise you with just how okay with it he really is!
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 12:48pm
I think you are right...it's just hard to muster up the courage to tell him.
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 12:50pm
My heart tells me that I should tell him, I don't want any secrets between us. Then again, I am also a private person, and because I haven't accepted the alopecia completely, I just want to keep it to myself.
Permalink Reply by Alliegator on August 9, 2011 at 9:48am
In my opinion.... Tell him!! It would be better to tell him now rather than when you have been together for a year or two or five. I know it is scary, and you don't know how he will react. But... on the upside, if he doesn't react the way you want him to then you know he isn't the guy for you. Wouldn't it be better to find out he isn't the right guy for you now rather than later on down the road! Even if you tell him, that doesn't mean you have to start going without the wig around him. When you tell him, don't make a huge deal about it, and he won't think it is a huge deal. I think he will appreciate that you opened up about this to him! It might make your relationship grow. I really believe it is better to do now before either of you gets really invested in the relationship. Good luck! We are here for you!
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 12:50pm
Thank you for your support. :)
Permalink Reply by Cindie on August 9, 2011 at 12:27pm
Please tell him, because if you don't, and he discovers he's been "duped", it will end very, very badly for you and your hurt will be that much greater.

My prayers are with you.

Peace
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 12:45pm
Thanks Cindie. I appreciate it. :)
Permalink Reply by R0BB on August 9, 2011 at 12:58pm
Hi Sarah -

You wrote

" The truth is that I see a future with him "

Unfortunately, you will not truly see a future with him unless you're honest with him .
By that I mean , he needs to know what you're all about ... the good and not so good.

Tell him..... you'll feel better once you have. If he THEN decides you are not for him , better you know today rather than years from now.

- Peace
Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on August 9, 2011 at 1:32pm
Believe RoBB, Sarah.

I had a husband leave me and the children after 15 years of marriage when I suddenly got AU one year and wouldn't "GROW HAIR!" when he ordered me to. He claims I never told him I had had alopecia areata (ages 10-20) and that I had misrepresented myself. I can't recall leaving out that part of my life, even though I had gotten used to hair (regrown) for over a decade and at my wedding. You never know what a man will do later in life, but you could at least get as many clues as possible before you invest time, belongings, bank accounts, compromises on goals, money, pregnancies, chldren needing a father, etc.

Talk. It. Out. Then give it a year of being in all kinds of social situations to see how he acts.
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 11:26pm
I am so sorry to hear about that. I will never understand how people can leave you when you are growing through something traumatic. Thank you for your advice. :)

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