I don't want to tell my boyfriend that I have alopecia

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 months and I just cannot bring myself to tell him that I have alopecia. I really want to keep it to myself and not ever tell him, that is honestly how I feel.

On one hand I feel like I am hiding my true self from him, (but my hair doesn't define who I am)...then on the other hand, I don't want to "disappoint" him or make him feel "duped" by having fallen in love with me. I know he doesn't just love me for my looks, but I know that it has a part in it. He is always complimenting me on my gorgeous black hair...and I feel bad in a way for accepting the compliments.

The truth is that I see a future with him, but I am just absolutely petrified that if I tell him, I will lose him.

I thought about telling him right away when we first started dating, but just kept putting it off because I wanted to enjoy my time with him and not discuss my issues.

I have a very low self esteem without the wig, and I wouldn't want him to ever see me without it. Even though my hair doesn't define me, I do feel somewhat "complete" and more me when I have it. I don't mean to sound vain, but having struggled with alopecia on and off for 15 years or so, and I just can't accept that my hair might not grow back.

I would appreciate some insight or perspective on the idea of telling the person you love that you have alopecia. Is it wrong if I don't ever tell him? I do a pretty good job at hiding it (although there have been 2 occasions where he asked if I drew on my eyebrows - and just him asking me that, mortified me.) Of course, I am always a little afraid of my family or close friends "spilling the beans" to him...they accept me without my hair, so why shouldn't he? Then again, I don't even accept me without my hair.

There have been times where I felt like I wanted to come clean and tell him, but I am so afraid of losing him. He is my first love and has brought me such happiness. I have so many other issues that he has had to deal with, and I almost don't want to burden him with another. I want him to look at me and think I am perfect and beautiful (now I really do sound vain.) I am really struggling with this whole concept of revealing your alopecia to your loved one. I really don't want to do it.

Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Sarah

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 11:23pm
You are very right. A lightbulb just went off in my head. :)
Permalink Reply by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on August 9, 2011 at 3:16pm
Ask yourself if the situation was reversed would you want him to feel comfortable enough with you to share what he was having to deal with. I am sure you would want him to be able to tell you

Then ask yourself if you would leave him because of it. I am sure you would say no.

You deserve no less from him and if he can't give that to you then it is far better to find that out now.
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 11:28pm
You make some really good points. Thank you. :) I definitely would want him to tell me if the situation was reversed, and of course I would never leave him either. Thank you for making me think about that possibility.
Permalink Reply by AJ on August 9, 2011 at 6:21pm
Hi Sarah,
I think LilyBell makes a really good point. It's important to have that closeness and openess in a relationship.
It's sad to think you wouldn't be able to share things like that with your partner.

Sure, it's not an easy conversation to have and you're bound to be apprehensive. But you've been dating him seven months and really like him, so he must be a decent and nice person? You say your self-esteem is low and you still struggle to accept your hairloss - do you think you might be projecting a lot of your fears onto him?
He could surprise you. It might be a HUGE relief to finally relieve yourself of the burden of keeping it a secret from him, always having to worry whether he'll 'discover' it and what would happen next. And once you have his support and let down the barrier, it could make you a much closer couple - and this might boost your own self-esteem too. Because it really isn't that big a deal. If somebody is a good caring person with a good heart (ie, worthy of your time!) and cares for you and loves you, they will stand by you - and probably respect you for the courage it takes to deal with it too.
He compliments your gorgeous black hair - whether that hair is real or not, it's still the hair on your head. That won't change.

If you genuinely think his personality and behaviour are such that he's likely to react really badly and be heartless about it, then he probably wouldn't be worth worryng about in the first place!!!

No relationship comes with a total guarantee. But that's the way it is, alopecia or no alopecia. We're all taking a risk when we fall in love.
I reckon you should give him a chance, and talk to him about it. Hopefully you'll feel so much better for it.
If it doesn't work out, then at least you can be damn proud of yourself for having the guts to face your fear - and realise that you deserve a supportive partner and won't waste your time on anything less!
Permalink Reply by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on August 9, 2011 at 6:35pm
AJ said it much more eloquently than I did : )
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 11:30pm
Thank you so much for your insight. :)
Permalink Reply by Rodeli on August 9, 2011 at 8:03pm
Hi Sarah, I dealt with this same exact issue a number of years ago. I totally understand your feelings! But please listen to all the good advice you are receiving on here. In the end, you will be so glad you did. I dated a man for almost 7 months before I told him about my alopecia--I had eyebrows and lashes at the time so it was easier for me to hide the fact I wore a wig. I chose to tell him because things were starting to get serious and I knew I could not continue in the relationship without being honest. He felt the same way. Only a month earlier he had told me about a secret he had been keeping from me. He was a recovering alcoholic--clean for almost two years. He was afraid to tell me about it because he was worried I would not love him anymore--he could not have been more wrong. It made me want to support him in that part of his life. When I chose to tell him, we went somewhere neutral and not crowded at a park we loved to go to. My heart and mind were racing as I figured out how exactly I would bring it up. Then I remembered how hard it was for him to tell me about his problem with alcohol and how he must have been having the same feelings. Ironically, as I found the words to tell him, I kind of did it in such an awkward way that we both laughed--he laughed because he thought I was pulling his leg because of the way I said it, but I was just laughing at my own awkwardness. Once he realized I was serious and not pulling his leg--we liked to kid around a lot, his entire demeanor changed. He told me that he didn't care if I had alopecia or not--it didn't matter to him one bit. He loved me for who I was and the way I made him feel about himself. He said he had wondered at times, especially during our romantic moments when I would pull his hands away from my head whenever we were making out and his hands wandered toward my head, but he said he chose not to ask as he figured when I was ready to talk about it, I would. Honestly, I think your man probably already wonders if he does not already suspect. My guy had not heard of alopecia but he did wonder why I wore wigs and had wondered if I had cancer. Please do not underestimate your man. If his love is true, he will not care. I think it will be a big relief to both of you in the long run and you may greatly benefit from his support. If he ends up cooling it off because of your hair, then he isn't worth your time or emotions. But I suspect that will not be the case. If he loves you even when he sees you have no eyebrows--probably a big clue, then I don't think he will care about the alopecia. One thing I did was tell my parents first ahead of time when I was going to tell my boyfriend so that they would be there to support me afterwards if all did not go well. It went so well, my boyfriend and I went to my parents house together and enjoyed a nice evening with them. It was great to have their support too and for them to know my boyfriend accepted their daughter regardless of her hair. Our relationship did eventually end, but it had nothing to do with my alopecia. I ended it for other reasons. I cared deeply for him but knew in the end that he was not the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. If your relationship is meant to be, it will work out whether you have alopecia or not. Also, he may have some things he may be hiding from you for fear you might reject him and once you open up about your alopecia, he may confide in you. You can't have true love without true trust. Take the plunge! I KNOW it is HARD--but you need to do it. Otherwise you will continue to live in fear. Fear is our worst enemy and keeps us from living the life we are meant to live. Keep us posted--know their lots of people here rooting you on in addition to your family and friends!
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 9, 2011 at 11:33pm
Thank you so much for sharing that story with me. I really appreciate it...and I have decided to tell him...just have to figure out when...sooner, rather than later, I know. :)
Permalink Reply by Dominique Cleopatra on August 10, 2011 at 12:05am
I have to ask: What kind of wig are you wearing that this is even a question? It must be freakin' phenomenal?
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 10, 2011 at 9:22pm
It's a freedom wig and it is amazing.
Permalink Reply by Marie on August 10, 2011 at 12:53am
Sarah,

There is no question. This is important. You have to tell him.

It is not possible to keep this a secret. So, when he eventually finds out (and not because you told him), the big problem won't be that he'll feel dupped or that he'll reject you. The big problem will be that you have demonstrated very little respect for him -- a guy you claim you see yourself with in the future. The excuse that "I was afraid you would reject me", will ring hollow.

If you don't show that you respect him, he'll never believe you love him.
Permalink Reply by MiNAH on August 10, 2011 at 2:50am
My first husband, my kids dad, new right away when I met him! He was shaven clean on purpose. I was so happy and eager to tell him that I was exactly the same under my wig, totally bald. He said to me, "WHY NOT TAKE IT OFF AND WE'LL GO BALD TOGETHER" I was at that stage ... no need to explain that, we all know what that stage is! That was in 1977, and I was fearful to even let him see me all the years we were married. I even wore a bandanna to bed. "WHAT A WASTE OF MY WONDERFUL YEARS ...WASTE & WORRY" One day in 1982 he came into the bathroom ... stood up on the edge of the bath, over the shower rail and said "OK ... THAT'S ENOUGH, NOW I'VE SEEN YOU ... TODAY WE GO OUT TOGETHER LIKE I SAID ALL THOSE YEARS AGO" I never looked back, I went cold turkey and didn't even think about it. I was on remote control, and with his support I guess you can say he showed me the way. He thinks my bald head is HOT! Although I had to divorce him on other grounds. "NOT MY LACK OF HAIR" Yet today, he still goes on about my head and how much he loves my strength and style without hair. Now ... on to number two, Mr recent ex husband ... told me I deceived him. I wore a comb over, as my hair grew in some, and he said I deceived him, that I was a liar. That I needed to wear a wig or he would not marry me unless I did what he ordered. Goes to show you how vulnerable I was about hair ... even after so many years. That was my QUE to leave right then ... and I did ... the rest of the story some of you know already. Damn shoulda never gone back to him after I returned. He gave me grief about my hair loss! I am so free and happy to be bald, and exposed to the world as I am. There can never be any mistake with men being lied to or deceived. What they see is what they get. BALD AND ALL OF ME!!! What they choose is me, no questions about it. No worries, no conversations, no insecurities or shame, and no judgment. They like what they see, and it is the only ones who gravitate to me. Positive professional men will also love it, so don't be surprised as to what type of man like a bald woman. It's all sorts of men, from all different diverse professions, cultures and nationalities. Explore the possibilities being you, being open about yourself.....

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