I don't want to tell my boyfriend that I have alopecia

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 months and I just cannot bring myself to tell him that I have alopecia. I really want to keep it to myself and not ever tell him, that is honestly how I feel.

On one hand I feel like I am hiding my true self from him, (but my hair doesn't define who I am)...then on the other hand, I don't want to "disappoint" him or make him feel "duped" by having fallen in love with me. I know he doesn't just love me for my looks, but I know that it has a part in it. He is always complimenting me on my gorgeous black hair...and I feel bad in a way for accepting the compliments.

The truth is that I see a future with him, but I am just absolutely petrified that if I tell him, I will lose him.

I thought about telling him right away when we first started dating, but just kept putting it off because I wanted to enjoy my time with him and not discuss my issues.

I have a very low self esteem without the wig, and I wouldn't want him to ever see me without it. Even though my hair doesn't define me, I do feel somewhat "complete" and more me when I have it. I don't mean to sound vain, but having struggled with alopecia on and off for 15 years or so, and I just can't accept that my hair might not grow back.

I would appreciate some insight or perspective on the idea of telling the person you love that you have alopecia. Is it wrong if I don't ever tell him? I do a pretty good job at hiding it (although there have been 2 occasions where he asked if I drew on my eyebrows - and just him asking me that, mortified me.) Of course, I am always a little afraid of my family or close friends "spilling the beans" to him...they accept me without my hair, so why shouldn't he? Then again, I don't even accept me without my hair.

There have been times where I felt like I wanted to come clean and tell him, but I am so afraid of losing him. He is my first love and has brought me such happiness. I have so many other issues that he has had to deal with, and I almost don't want to burden him with another. I want him to look at me and think I am perfect and beautiful (now I really do sound vain.) I am really struggling with this whole concept of revealing your alopecia to your loved one. I really don't want to do it.

Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Sarah

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by AJ on August 10, 2011 at 9:43am
Really upsetting to think there are people out there as shallow and thoughtless as that. But very uplifting to know that you can be strong in yourself and rise above it, and know that you deserve better.
Totally their loss - if they let a great person slip away because they have hair loss - more fool them!
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 10, 2011 at 9:25pm
Thank you for sharing that. :)
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 10, 2011 at 9:24pm
Hmm, I see where you are coming from.
Permalink Reply by Cindie on August 10, 2011 at 9:14pm
Minah, you go girl!
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 10, 2011 at 11:09pm
I told my boyfriend tonight. It was just weighing on my conscious so much....all of the responses on here too...I have had a headache the past 2 days!
He is completely cool with it...shocked...but he said he is so glad that I told him about it. He said he had no idea....which makes me feel good, because I guess I do a pretty good job camouflaging it. :)
He said he would never break up with me over something like this. He started asking me all these questions about it, which made me feel better, because if he wasn't curious and just became all quiet about it, then that would probably mean that he was weirded out by it. Now he's all concerned though that I do my best to take care of myself, keep stress levels down, etc. He says it's up to me if I want to be bald around him...he was very caring as I was telling him...he kept telling me that he loved me and that I was beautiful. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me, and I truly feel that this will bring us closer together.
Thank you to everyone for your support and giving me the advice and the little push that I needed to tell him. I couldn't have done it without all of you.

Sarah :)
Permalink Reply by Rodeli on August 10, 2011 at 11:43pm
YEA! I'm SO happy for you, Sarah! I'm so glad you can proceed in your relationship without the weight of a secret on your shoulders and you both can more on with more important parts of your relationship. Your boyfriend sounds like a very special young man!
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 11, 2011 at 1:16am
Thank you Rodeli. He really is amazing. More and more he amazes me everyday. I feel so blessed to have met him.
Permalink Reply by MiNAH on August 11, 2011 at 2:49am
So pleased, and glad he made you comfortable. I would allow him to see you, because it is better now than like me ... 5 years later. All the worry I went through for absolutely nothing. Let him love you... just the way you are!!!
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 11, 2011 at 2:42pm
Thanks Minah!
Permalink Reply by AJ on August 11, 2011 at 7:44am
Ah really happy for you Sarah! Thanks for updating us. Brought a smile to my face! 8-]
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 11, 2011 at 2:43pm
:)
Permalink Reply by Sarah on August 11, 2011 at 2:43pm
I appreciate it. :)

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