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I don't want to tell my boyfriend that I have alopecia
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 months and I just cannot bring myself to tell him that I have alopecia. I really want to keep it to myself and not ever tell him, that is honestly how I feel.
On one hand I feel like I am hiding my true self from him, (but my hair doesn't define who I am)...then on the other hand, I don't want to "disappoint" him or make him feel "duped" by having fallen in love with me. I know he doesn't just love me for my looks, but I know that it has a part in it. He is always complimenting me on my gorgeous black hair...and I feel bad in a way for accepting the compliments.
The truth is that I see a future with him, but I am just absolutely petrified that if I tell him, I will lose him.
I thought about telling him right away when we first started dating, but just kept putting it off because I wanted to enjoy my time with him and not discuss my issues.
I have a very low self esteem without the wig, and I wouldn't want him to ever see me without it. Even though my hair doesn't define me, I do feel somewhat "complete" and more me when I have it. I don't mean to sound vain, but having struggled with alopecia on and off for 15 years or so, and I just can't accept that my hair might not grow back.
I would appreciate some insight or perspective on the idea of telling the person you love that you have alopecia. Is it wrong if I don't ever tell him? I do a pretty good job at hiding it (although there have been 2 occasions where he asked if I drew on my eyebrows - and just him asking me that, mortified me.) Of course, I am always a little afraid of my family or close friends "spilling the beans" to him...they accept me without my hair, so why shouldn't he? Then again, I don't even accept me without my hair.
There have been times where I felt like I wanted to come clean and tell him, but I am so afraid of losing him. He is my first love and has brought me such happiness. I have so many other issues that he has had to deal with, and I almost don't want to burden him with another. I want him to look at me and think I am perfect and beautiful (now I really do sound vain.) I am really struggling with this whole concept of revealing your alopecia to your loved one. I really don't want to do it.
Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Sarah
On one hand I feel like I am hiding my true self from him, (but my hair doesn't define who I am)...then on the other hand, I don't want to "disappoint" him or make him feel "duped" by having fallen in love with me. I know he doesn't just love me for my looks, but I know that it has a part in it. He is always complimenting me on my gorgeous black hair...and I feel bad in a way for accepting the compliments.
The truth is that I see a future with him, but I am just absolutely petrified that if I tell him, I will lose him.
I thought about telling him right away when we first started dating, but just kept putting it off because I wanted to enjoy my time with him and not discuss my issues.
I have a very low self esteem without the wig, and I wouldn't want him to ever see me without it. Even though my hair doesn't define me, I do feel somewhat "complete" and more me when I have it. I don't mean to sound vain, but having struggled with alopecia on and off for 15 years or so, and I just can't accept that my hair might not grow back.
I would appreciate some insight or perspective on the idea of telling the person you love that you have alopecia. Is it wrong if I don't ever tell him? I do a pretty good job at hiding it (although there have been 2 occasions where he asked if I drew on my eyebrows - and just him asking me that, mortified me.) Of course, I am always a little afraid of my family or close friends "spilling the beans" to him...they accept me without my hair, so why shouldn't he? Then again, I don't even accept me without my hair.
There have been times where I felt like I wanted to come clean and tell him, but I am so afraid of losing him. He is my first love and has brought me such happiness. I have so many other issues that he has had to deal with, and I almost don't want to burden him with another. I want him to look at me and think I am perfect and beautiful (now I really do sound vain.) I am really struggling with this whole concept of revealing your alopecia to your loved one. I really don't want to do it.
Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Sarah
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Like I said...after The Reveal, give it a year to see how he reacts in many social and intimate circumstances. Everyone wants to be a hero, but what really is true will be revealed. (I even gave my new church a chance before I joined, to see if I loved it through all the holidays and seasons!)
You just laid your head and heart and soul on the line. Of course you are nervous. Give it a year...give it seasons, family meetings, wedding receptions, cold and hot weather and outfits, New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. In the meantime, be your positive self, have fun, and just watch how the relationship grows.
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Permalink Reply by Sarah on
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Thank you for your advice...you are right about laying your head and heart on the line...the nervousness makes sense.
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Permalink Reply by Lexi on
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OK, now I read that you did tell him. Good for you. Maybe he is the man for you.
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Susan: I never really thought about it, but you are right: the leaver is the fraud...especially if he promises to love "in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part!" When my ex was about to flee, he said in a mocking voice, "You would have stuck with this until you died, right?" I looked at him with a duh-yeah look.
Now, I am kind of glad a fraud like him is gone!
Sarah: I am hoping that your guy never dupes you!
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Permalink Reply by Natalie Martin on
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i have just read all these comments on your story.... im so happy for you telling your boyfriend it was like reading a happy ending.... im 24 and had AU for a year, i have been with guys and havent told them but there is this guy i like alot that knows how bald i am and i wear fake eyelashes and have my eyebrows tattooed on, i slept over at his house he started snoring and then asked why i couldnt sleep...... he thought it was because of his extremely loud snoring but it was due to the fact i was wearing my wig and fake eyelashes not comfortable at all..... he complements me on my smooth body, the one perks of this condition....... i hope one day i can sleep peacefully with no hair on...... but i was so happy to read your story..... there are some good guys out there
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Aww. Thanks Natalie. I went through a similar situation about 2 years ago with a guy that I liked....I slept over....but ended up sleeping on his couch...there was something about him that made me feel uncomfortable and felt like it would be forced if I followed him up to his room...I too slept in my wig and false eyelashes on the couch...it was the worst sleep ever! He was angry of course that I didn't come to his room...he turned out to be the biggest jerk ever...I was right for having a wall up with him and I am glad that I didn't reveal my true self to him. One day the time will be right for you...you will feel comfortable with someone, they will love you...it's all about trusting the other person. I felt like I could trust my boyfriend to now tell him about this side of myself...and with all the encouragement and advice on here...that's what led me to this point in my relationship. I got together last night with my boyfriend, and I feel even more in love with him. He couldn't be more supportive and loving with what I have to go through with having alopecia....I hope it stays that way. :) Hang in there Natalie!
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Permalink Reply by Cindie on
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We are all on here to support each other....because sometimes our own families abandon us. I just wish more of you wonderful people lived closer to me, so we could hang out.
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