I'm not an angry person

I have never been an angry person in my life. I was always easy to get along with and make friends. I would jump at opportunity and loved social events. BUT now that is all a different story. I have anger issues!! I have prayed and prayed about this but it isn't changing. It seems the worse my health gets and the more hair I lose, the angrier I get. I even get mad at IT...at the situation...and sometimes I think "OK God if you want me to be sick and lose all my hair then why should I care what the world thinks?" I get mad that I feel embarrased over my stiff neck, my strange gait, my ugly hair, my inability to do physical activities...then I get angry because I have no control over it! I don't do much of anything anymore because it is such a hassle to try to wear a wig with scalp pain and psoriasis, try to go out when I am in such pain, try to talk to others when we have nothing in commom anymore...yes, I am envying others and I hate that! I want to take a shower without crying. I want to be able to run and play with my child and make love to my husband without being uncomfortable. I just want to be me again and not be angry. I have a little girl who adores me and she has never gotten to play beauty shop with me, I have never gotten to run and jump with her. I never thought that would be my life. I just assumed like everyone else did that I would have the dream. I know I will hear, "stop feeling sorry for yourself" and I guess I am. But I am just so sick of all this. I have done everything I know to be well and I just get worse. My quality of life is so poor. I want to look forward to things again. For the last year I have been in this house. I can't do much of anything because of my health issues when a year ago I was working, outgoing, enjoying life...I have to go to my daughter's gymnastics tomorrow for the first time wearing my wig around all the competitive Mom's, ask for a soft chair because I can't sit on hard surfaces, and smile and pretend I am not in pain. I am panicking as I type over this! Why can't I get tough? What is wrong with me? I want what you guys have..that ability to push forward. For some reason I can't find it....Now I am even angrier at myself for feeling like a failure.

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Permalink Reply by Tuesday on February 2, 2011 at 3:07pm
Hi Pam (it's a snow day here so a bit of computer time!). I think the pain on your head must be really awful. I recall the pain - that itchy, tugging, relentless pain. I found it impossible not to think about my hair when my scalp hurt. Cool cloths are temporary solutions. Am not sure what else to recommend about that pain. Don't be too hard on yourself! I get wig headaches too. To be honest, even though I miss hair, I wear scarves quite often becaues I can't stand the headache of wigs. Literally. But, that's not a solution for everyone. I wonder if there is some sort of ice pack thing - we can stick on our heads before putting ona wig. Like the eyepacks - cool to scalp and soothes pain but hidden by wig?
Permalink Reply by Chefpam on February 3, 2011 at 7:11am
Thanks so much Alice and Tuesday. Yes, losing our cat hit me really hard. It is so hard to explain death to a 7 year old when you can't understand it yourself....but I know it is part of the natural life cycle and is inevitable. So sorry about your Dad Alice. I can understand it being so hard because I am an only child and my parents gave up their home and moved next door to help me when I got ill so I am so close to them. I think somethings we never really get over although we learn we have to accept it.
Well I made it through the events of yesterday. I very rarely ever leave my house because I just don't have the energy. But my Mom and I went to lunch. While we were out I saw a young girl about 14 who looked like she had alopecia but then I realized not only was most of her gone but she had been burned terribly. She had a big smile on her face and I said out loud, "thank you God for putting her right here for me to see her courage."
I also went to gymnastics, had to ask for a soft chair, saw all the other Mom's and the school that once held my career and heart...I kept telling myself
"I can do all things through Christ" and kept hearing all of your words of encouragement-honestly. Then me and my family went to dinner afterwards. Yes, I saw lots of women with beautiful heads of hair and yes it hurt me every single time. Two people told me they didn't recognize me and asked what I did differently to my hair......and it hurt and my heart came up in my throat. My scalp pain wasn't AS BAD but the wig hurts my already painful fused neck big time and makes it really uncomfortable. I feel like the target in a video game dodging bullets-the scalp pain, the wig, the stiff neck, the back pain, the itching, the insecurity....blah, blah.... But I did it...I made it....and I thank you all for your love and support. I may never "get over" it but I know I have to get with it because this not living much isn't working for me.
Permalink Reply by Karen Smith on February 3, 2011 at 10:11am
I am glad that you made it. I asked my sister-in-law once how they made it through a terrible ordeal with her husband having cancer when the kids were little. She said,"Stay positive, hope for the best and look for God's help along the way in small ways. This will help you believe for the miracle." I found this simple advice very helpful. It seems you had help in small ways today.

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