Is it deceptive to wait and tell someone that you're wearing a wig?

i was recently on a dating site and never disclosed alopecia. i only felt comfortable posting pictures of me wearing my wig (and don't even have any of me as an adult and wig-less). i've since quit the site (largely due to what i will describe below) but am still wondering about disclosure, etc.

as someone who has had alopecia (AU, totalis) most of her life...i feel like i'm in the remedial section of the Coping with Alopecia class by not being more upfront, particularly when it comes to dating...!

so, here are the questions i'm posing:

(1) how do you reconcile wanting to feel 'normal' but also not being deceptive?

(2) do any other wig-wearers out there also feel like a weaker alopecian / outsider amongst alopecians for wearing a wig?

thanks, everyone...i'm so grateful that this site exists...! friends and family, as supportive as they are, often can't relate.

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Permalink Reply by Paul on June 30, 2011 at 3:42am
I used to "disguise" myself with a Hair Club for Men "hair system" (wig thing they glue on your head) starting from my senior year in high school to the first year in college. I wanted to feel "normal" and honestly attractive as well. Especially for prom, senior pictures, and meeting new people at college. But eventually I got rid of that and I realized I was deceiving myself. I was so worried about keeping the image of being normal guy I totally didn't realize that this wig really prevented me from feeling normal, meeting people, and starting relationships.

But, I know that everyone is different and you should do whatever feels the most comfortable to you and what lets you express who you are. Don't worry about deceiving others or feeling like an alopecian insider/outsider. Just be you (as corny as that sounds).
Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on June 30, 2011 at 7:59am
Paul, my late husband started losing his hair when he was in high school. It didn't bother me one bit; I thought he was so handsome. When he got a job being a department store manager he decided that he needed a toupee, which he wore for about 4 or 5 years. He was handsome in his toupee too, but he just got tired of all the tape, etc., and decided he would just be bald again. I loved that man until the day he passed away and I wouldn't have changed anything about his looks. Personally for me I think it would be easier to be a man without hair that a woman. They always said a woman's hair was her "crowning glory." I know personally for me, I just couldn't go without my wig--not yet anyway, but I will never say never.
Permalink Reply by Paul on June 30, 2011 at 11:11pm
Hey Ktownnana,

I only meant to say do whatever feels the most the most comfortable with you. Whether that means wear a wig or not. My example is just so show how I came to terms with feeling like deceiving others but I know that it is different for men and women. I definitely understand that it is very difficult for women.
Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on June 30, 2011 at 12:31pm
Tallgirl, you are probably right about me trying to please the romantic interest. I actually took him to the wig store because he comments that some wigs I have he likes better than others and I want to look as beautiful for him as possible. He is ruggedly handsome and could have anyone he wanted. I guess what has probably "spooked" me more than anything was when my 10 year old grandson accidentally saw me without my wig and I saw the look of horror on his face and he was completely taken back when he saw my bald head. As I stated in my post, I am not even comfortable myself when I look in the mirror so how could I possibly be comfortable with my significant other seeing me. First, I have got to get that confidence for myself. Thank you so much for your honesty in replying to me. I really appreciate it.
Permalink Reply by Norm on June 30, 2011 at 1:15pm
Oooh, lots of interesting stuff coming outta the woodwork with this one.... :)

Ktownnana: what are you doing to your Sig. Other?? Are you deliberately trying to see how far you can push him?? You've been with him over a year, and he's known about your baldness for 7 months of that. He says he's not bothered about it, and you even take him to help choose wigs. The guy obviously loves you to bits, but he's never seen you wigless? WHY, for god's sake? I bet he's seen the rest of you.... do you have some sort of "trust" issue going on there? Cos if I was in his position, I'd be thinking along those lines - I'd expect by now for you to be relaxed, comfortable, and most of all, SHARING about everything.
Yeah, OK, everyone has "little secrets" that come out over the course of a relationship - but come on, he already knows about the hair! If by now you can't feel good when you're with him, when will you ever?? And if you say "he might run away" or anything along those lines... why doncha stop trying to second-guess his thoughts and stop assuming you know how he thinks. He's an individual, he's intelligent (he must be, he's with you, right? :) ), so let him make his own mind up (hint: he already has!) Give the guy some credit!
And for what it's worth... I think you'll feel better about seeing yourself in the mirror, once he's seen you au naturel - and you realise that, guess what, he's absolutely fine with it!

Ramuk: this dating malarkey. It's dead simple, really - all you have to remember is that THERE ARE NO RULES. Everyone's unique, so how can there be? What's the right course of action when seeing one guy, will be wrong for the next. If it doesn't feel right to tell someone, don't - if it does, do it! But you'll have to 'fess up at some point, if you want it to become long-term...
Bottom line - just "being yourself" is "normal". But I hope you don't find yourself in the situation I was in, in my story in the "Funny Acts of Alopecia" group.... still, it's one way of finding out :)
Oh, and I see you're about to take your Bar Exam. Good luck with it... I failed mine. Couldn't get enough drink down in the time allowed, apparently. Better go and practice some more.... :)
Permalink Reply by Sophia on June 30, 2011 at 4:02pm
I always waited a few dates before telling my boyfriends I'm wearing wigs. Whenever I told them, I did not explain why because I just felt it wasn't important yet at this point. I was always thinking "They wouldn't know anyway what Alopecia is." Which is probably true. But when I did tell them I was wearing wig, they were very understanding & just said "Okay. They never asked again until I explained them why I was wearing a few months later & still they were very understanding & totally okay with it. I only showed one boyfriend my bald self - who is now my husband of almost 5 years - & it was a very uncomfortable situation for me. I did not know what he would do if he actually seen me without hair. BUT, we were planning on moving in together & getting married so I knew I just had to show him if I wanted to start a life with him. I showed him one night before bed it was such a relief. He didn't say much just that he still thinks I look beautiful & it does not matter to him if I have hair or not, his words were "It's just hair baby".
I think too it's so important to show your partner, maybe not right away but definitely if the relationship is turning into something serious. Alopecia is never easy but easier once we can share it with the people we love.
Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on June 30, 2011 at 6:00pm
Sophia, I agree, but in my case I don't ever plan on living with him or marrying him so there is really no need for him to see me without my wig. I am so glad that you found someone like your husband who accepts you for what you really are; you are blessed!
Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on June 30, 2011 at 8:31pm
So...he is just a fling, then? You like him for some things, but not for others? What...is he just "practice?"
Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on June 30, 2011 at 9:01pm
No, he's not just a fling and he's not just practice. I have two grown daughters who loved their Dad so much and they are like me still in the grieving process. Just because I am seeing someone doesn't mean that I still don't grieve for my husband and he knows this and respects this. I was married to him for 42 years and he was not only my husband, but my best friend and I will always love and miss him. My daughters told me that they don't have a problem with me dating, but they don't ever want me to get married again and I respect them enough to accept this.
Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on June 30, 2011 at 9:24pm
I get it. I never had anyone over after my divorce, while my sons were teens. However, many things I have read say that the parent has a right to find a new mate to cleave to, eventually. Your daughters will grow, and Life/God may see fit for you to have a partner some day. Not now...but maybe some day. See the movies Story of Ruth and Hello Dolly (Barbra Streisand). Remarriage is totally your choice if you find that someone who can't be ignored, for all the things he brings to you and is to you.
Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on June 30, 2011 at 9:52pm
I respect you for never having anyone over after your divorce while your sons were in their teens; this says volumes for your character. My oldest daughter is 40 and my youngest daughter is 37 so this is why I said I respect them enough to accept this. As I'm sure any Mother would do, we put our children before our own happiness no matter how old they are. Thanks for your encouraging words.
Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on June 30, 2011 at 5:57pm
Paul, he has never even hinted that he would like to see me without my wig and I often wonder what I would do if he would ask me to take it off. I still believe that I am the one who has the problem with accepting myself and he could probably cope with it better than me. My late husband would tell me lots of times to take off my wig--that he just wanted to see my pretty little head. I didn't even want to take it off for him and we were married for 42 years. It's ME with the problem and I don't know that I can ever totally accept it. This is in no reflection to those who go without their wigs; they are women with lots of self confidence and that's wonderful. I wish I could be more like them.

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