Hi All:

I've been here for a long time, but I haven't posted in a while. I thought I was pretty much past needing any outside support, because I've had alopecia universalis for pretty much forty years now, and I have a successful life--wonderful marriage, adult children, happy home, etc.

But there is some crap I've been allowing to gnaw away at me for quite some time, and I  regret I didn't come here sooner to try to gain some insight on it, because you guys are the only people who really can understand, truly, where I'm coming from. I wish I had remembered this sooner! But, oh, well. I'm here now. Hopefully some of you can help me through this. I appreciate that you all are here, and I hope some of you are willing to add your comments.

I have always been a kind and trusting person, and I am the  kind of person who likes to have one best friend at a time. That 's not to say I haven't had groups of friends, but when I was ten-years-old I found who I thought was my "best friend" and I stuck with that notion through my entire adult life. I was a goody two shoes kind of a kid, and although I grew up to be quite adventurous and daring, pushing myself (and her!) past our limits, I've played life ethically. I'd say I feel things very deeply and I have an excellent memory.

I was the one who rode my bike past (Let's call her "Fran") Fran's house and caught her attention. She had just lost her best friend to a move--her friend's dad had got transferred to another city, so Fran was available to have a new "best" friend. I got her to notice me, and because we were in the same class at school and we lived so close together we began walking to school and playing, mostly at her house, throughout the school years. I wore a scarf when we met, and I was in treatments at the time. I started wearing a wig about a year and a half after we met, when I was 11-years-old and just starting junior high school.

There were things I noticed in Fran from the beginning. She wasn't popular in school (boy, I sure wasn't!), but I knew she desperately wanted to be. We stuck together like glue, but when something (or someone) more intriguing to her came along I got dropped like a hot potato. Occasionally I would see her take advantage of a situation, and once I saw her steal something. She always came around to walk to school with me, and to make plans with me, so I "forgave and forgot" with her on a pretty regular basis. On Saturdays I'd call her incessantly wanting to come over and play. She'd say she had chores, so I'd go over and help her finish them and she always let me. So, on the one hand, looking back I'd say I probably bugged her and chased her, but she allowed it. I was not sophisticated enough to know that perhaps she was just being nice to me. I STILL don't know if that is the case.

She let me borrow a t-shirt once, but other than that she wasn't the sharing sort. She was tall, thin and had very long blonde hair, but bad acne. I was average height, kind of chubby, big boobs and pretty face, but wore a strawberry blonde wig. I was "the girl with the wig", I guess. And I was still a little chubby and awkward as a kid. And I was a really nice kid, though. I would ahve given her anything. She was selfish and stingy with all her stuff, not just clothes.

Fran always used to say, "NO ONE is ever going to be as thin as me!" and I never even questioned it. I felt that I never would be. I just assumed she was right. She said it in a teasing way, but she said it with regularity, throughout our youth and young adulthood. When she came back from college I had lost thirty pounds and wig or no wig, I was a knock-out and everybody told me so. She never even blinked. Never mentioned it. Never asked me about it, or commented on it, even though it was so obvious. I had officially grown out of my awkward years. It hurt me, because I wanted her to notice and be happy and tell me that she was proud of me. I was so desperate that I finally brought it up and she said, "Oh. I guess you do look like you've lost weight." and that was all she ever said about it.

Through our adult years we called each other equally, always checking in with each other regarding plans to go clubbing or partying (unless we had boyfriends, in which case we equally ditched each other). We always understood. It was unspoken, I suppose. But...there was still the feeling that I was a mainstay in her life because I simply hadn't gone anywhere. I was always there. I was loyal as a dog. Her mother had a nickname for us. It was based on some old movie, I guess. She called us the gold dust twins. She'd say, "Fran, you're the gold, and Susan's the dust".

WTF!? (I say "wtf" now because at the time I never even blinked an eye. It hurt me somewhere deep inside, but I never acknowledged the pain to anyone---not even to myself. I mean, is it just me, or is that a weird thing to say to a kid/teen/young adult?)

When Fran went to college (I wouldn't go to college until I was 25 and in another state) she never once invited me to see her dorm room, or go to any of the major annual bon fires or parties, even though she was in the same state. I never set foot on her campus. I was never asked. When we became wives and mothers....well....I eloped the first time around, so I didn't invite anyone, however she was one of the first people I called with the news. My second marriage she was invited to. I would have had her in my wedding---but she wouldn't find a way to come (I was in my college town, which was several states away). I understood that time. I never questioned it. When I had each of my children we spoke on the phone, but she never sent anything. (Her mother sent a Halloween onsie, which was cute, but it certainly wasn't on behalf of Fran.) My second child got zero acknowledgement. I'll admit, people grow up and move and time gets in the way of things, but in my heart I always considered Fran to be my best friend.

Okay, so if you're reading this far you're probably thinking, "Susan! She wasn't really your best friend!" and you'd probably be right. I just don't know. It bewilders me still.

In our forties we still called each other (she'd call me once or twice a year, and I'd pretty much do the same). I always wanted more. I wanted updates on her life. What was she doing, how did her day at work go? What cute things are her kids doing to be funny, etc.? I wanted the everyday stuff. I wanted to feel the connection. But she would speak to me like I was already a part of her past. She'd tell me what each of her family members were up to (sisters, parents, brother) and not disclose anything real about herself. It was the same every phone call---her catching me up on the old neighborhood. I wanted an active friendship. I didn't view her as part of my past. I viewed her as someone who was "present" in my life.

When she got married she invited me, and I went. I bought a plane ticket and a hotel room and rented a car, because she was my best friend!!  I wouldn't have missed such a major event.  She didn't ask me to be in her wedding. Only her two sisters were her bridesmaids. I didn't question it, but deep down I thought I should have been a bridesmaid. It was a large, Catholic wedding. I wasn't asked to ride in the limo with the ladies on the way to the church. It stung, but I let it go. I didn't understand. She came to my room the day I arrived and she spent a good hour with me one on one. Not all brides can do that in the midst of a big event. This is why I felt we were still "best friends", and why I am still confused. She acted thrilled to see me, and it seemed genuine. In the years that followed I sent a big box filled with goodies for her babies when each was born.

As grown-ups we, of course!, "friended" each other on social media. But she never commented on my page, or responded when I'd comment to her. I saw many comments on other people's pages, though. She'd be active on social media several hours a day. She just wasn't excited about any of my activity. I just wasn't important enough?

And, crazy enough, whenever I doubted the friendship I'd get a super random card in the mail from her. Once she sent a poem booklet, all about what it means to be "best friends". She'd even go into detail about the movie "Beaches", telling me that I was the wind beneath her wings.

Huh?

So this is why I am confused, people. I don't think I have unusually high expectations of what it means to be a friend. I DO have the capacity to communicate my feelings, and I have. I have confronted her and have asked her why she is often absent, or vague. She says, "I don't know" in a sheepish way and laughs.

Four years ago she and I played phone tag for a few days. It was never like her to keep calling me to get me to call her back. Actually, it was totally out of character. When we finally spoke she broke her cancer news to me. I was devastated. I cried so hard on the phone. I made a Beaches reference (SO STUPID, I know. I regret it to this day.) But in my shock it was the first thing I thought of, since she was always making such a big deal about that damned movie. Of course, in her mind SHE was always the pretty (but dying) Barbara Hershey, and I was the chubby, red-headed Better Midler). LOL. I'm not even kidding. She assigned us roles.

She told me that day on the phone (after I started crying) that she couldn't have people breaking down on her because she needed to be surrounded by positivity to heal. She was actually quite firm about it. She was in stage 4 cancer, she had been told, but hadn't even got back all the more in-depth results yet, and didn't know what her treatment would be yet.

I completely understood her need for a positive attitude. I was so devastated by the news that I didn't handle it well during that call. I was so sad about it. I waited a whole week to hear back from her, to find out the details and what it all meant. I told my husband about it, and he was fully on board for me to go to her, even though we could hardly afford it. He told me that I could be there for her kids to do the mundane things like cook, help her, etc. and I was ready to do it. At the very least I wanted to know what her prognosis was.

She never called. I waited another week. I eventually tracked down her sister and had to leave a message. Months later Fran texted me from the hospital. At the time, coincidentally enough, I was also in the hospital, recovering from hip replacement surgery. Through texts (she is sheepish about talking on the phone like a grown up) we both chuckled about being in hospital beds. She talked about chemo and that she had lost all of her hair. I went on to ask her for more details about her treatment, what her prognosis was, about her family, about what she was eating in the hospital, how her husband was doing, her kids.....anything. Anything to have a conversation. And you know what she actually texted me several hours later??????

After 35+ years of "friendship" THIS is all she had to say to me:

"I've always loved wigs, and I love you, too!"

Punch. In. The. Gut.

I was just her wig wearing friend? Is that it?

I never heard ANYTHING from her after that about what the heck was going on in her life for a very long time. And I had to call her repeatedly to track her down because I was so concerned. It turns out that she beat cancer just fine. That was four years ago.

She recently sent me a message on facebook, telling me that her cancer came back and that it is in her liver now. I know what this means for most people. It probably means the same for her. She asked me for an update on my life and how my husband and kids are. Like the loyal lapdog I am, I sent her a very long letter. I told her everything AND I asked her to reciprocate. I wanted to know about HER! She never sent back a single effing word. I waited a week. I waited two weeks. I finally sent another quick message asking how she was, since I hadn't heard back, and she finally responded.

She told me, "I've always been praying for you. You've always been prettier, smarter, stronger, braver than me."

Again, WTF?!

To me, this feels like she only calls me to tell me "important" news, because we've known each other since we were ten. That's forty years! But she seems to have zero desire to connect with me in the present day, in an authentic way. It also feels like she really wasn't ever my real friend. That sure---we were friends because of circumstance. It was convenient. She probably liked me (I'm very likable and funny!), but maybe she felt sorry for me so she let me hang around for forty years and sort of half-assed it with me, and I didn't know the difference, or I refused to see it.

I feel like all that garbage about me being "stronger and braver" (I only gave a few examples, but she's said it a lot through the years) directly suggests she considers me to have been "disabled" all these years because I am hairless and I've always worn a wig. Because I mean....stronger and braver HOW?? Duh.

I finally told her after our last communication (when she contacted me first)  that I am a human being with real feelings and it hurts when she doesn't respond. I told her that I love her and it really matters to me what she is going through. I told her that if she cannot share anything with me, I cannot handle being toyed with. I told her to stop asking me how I am, because every time I tell her and then ask her to write back and SHARE her life with me, she doesn't. She won't. I actually did get an immediate response to that one. She said one single word:

"Okay."

I feel bad for what she is going through. I think she going to die soon. I also feel like she is a total stranger to me, and I feel guilty for being so pissed about it, because my entire family and all of our mutual friends think that Fran and I are "BFFs". I will look like a rat if I share my true feelings about who she really is, because she has cancer! Why does cancer trump a lifetime of me being treated  like sh**? My illusions about what it means to be friends is shattered.