Alopecia World
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Men Love Hair
My relationship with men always seemed to suffer because of my alopecia. Maybe its just the men I ended up with but it seems to me men love a womans natural hair. They love to smell it and play in it, no matter the length. Wigs and hair pieces have ultimately turned them off. When my ex of many years and I broke up he found someone with a headful of beautiful hair. If I could find a head covering that would fool them it would be great. Is there such a thing? Hmm.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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I think I may have posted on this topic before, but just in case I haven't, time for me to jump in on this one. I'm going to go ahead and say now that if you think you might be offended by what I have to say, stop reading because I'm not necessarily known for my tact. Now that the apologies are out of the way in advance, let's dissect this thing:
@Lee: Having just ended a relationship where it was finally established that the root cause of our problems was my alopecia, I can tell you firsthand that if you think your boyfriend wouldn't stay around if you chose to go bare and he won't love you without hair, you're probably right. My only question is why would you stay with someone who is slowly eating away at any self-esteem and confidence about yourself that you might have, little though it is (judging from your posts regarding this topic)? I understand that you like yourself with hair, and that is fine, but at some point you're going to have to come to some sort of reconciliation about yourself without hair too. Otherwise you WILL destroy yourself struggling with this condition. You're not the only one who didn't ask for AA. I don't think any of us here in AW did, and if any of us did, well I'm sure they have their reasons for it. I'll blog about it later, but I spent the past year living with a man (and loving him for 5 years before that) who was very subtle about eroding how I feel about myself and about my alopecia. It took the help of some wonderful friends and my family to finally get me away from him. I am now making a life for myself again slowly but surely, and becoming the person I used to be when I first joined this site all over again!
@JoDeanna: Men are hard-wired to be shallow. By that, I mean that they are genetically inclined to prefer women with hair -- their own hair -- because our ancient predecessors used that to judge a woman's health and ability to bear healthy children. Nowadays, because of societal influences, that stereotype is just reinforced. There are definitely men out there who don't care less if you have hair or not, but they are few and far between. I wouldn't try to fool anyone. If you have a head covering that you choose to use then great. But maintain the honesty level and believe me, you will be glad you did!
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Permalink Reply by Libby on
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Reginia said: I'm a sarcastic, arrogant son of bitch.
DITTO! I am also a little bit mean...and hard. Do I like being like this? No, not necessarily but this is how I have had to be in order to deal with the slings and arrows, comments and stares that have been (and still are) shot my way.
I have been thinking a lot lately about my lack of hair and men. We got into a discussion at work about what we look for in other people that makes them attractive to us. I answered that I look at a person's character; what makes them who they are and what has happened in their life to get them to that point. I was laughed at. One man bascially said I was lying and that I was just like everybody else; that looks or money are what make someone attractive. I thought to myself that If this is how other people think then I don't want to be part of their world.
I am fast approaching another birthday. I am getting older and I am alone. I remember when I was a child my sister and I would go through the JC Penny catalog and pick out our wedding dresses....childish,childish dreams. What normally grabs a person's attention is how one looks. When men look at me they think I am sick. I can't change that so I try to work on my outlook because that is something I can change. I'll be honest, it is hard but I keep trying. Maybe men are interested maybe they are not. I really can't tell. But sometimes late at night before I drift off to sleep I ask myself if my situation would be any different if I DID have hair? Thousand dollar question.....and I haven't a clue to the answer. The only thing I do know right now is that I would rather be alone than be wrong about somebody.
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Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on
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Hi
I am very on the outside about this particular subject with regards to alopecia but I am in a position to know many many people dealing with this condition. I wholeheartedly believe alopecia is a facet of who you are, but it most certainly shouldn't define you (unless of course you want it to). I have been in a realtionship with my husband since I was 16 years old - I'm now 48. In those years we have had to adjust to our changing looks and bodies. I don't look anything like the young woman he met all those years ago, but in his eyes I'm still me with all the things he loves (and maybe even dislikes LOL) about me.
How you look is important for you - not anyone else. If you are pleased with the way you are presenting yourself, I would think you are going a long way to accepting yourself. Womans baldness is confronting to most of society. For better or worse that is just a fact and I get why people rail against this. It isn't fair or right but it is there. So, from the fact you have choices. The choice to wear hair or not is just that a choice, with neither choice taking away the consequences of alopecia.
My daughter (as you probably are all aware) does not have hair. She has chosen to wear a hairpiece, but she totally accepts herself without hair. Is she beautiful - well to me of course she is. To her Dad the most beautiful girl in the world. But the truth of this situation is that it wouldn't matter how much I told my daughter she is beautiful the truth of her feelings comes from her own acceptance of what and who she is. The outside is important for her to reach a feeling of acceptance. She dosn't feel limited in her choices. She presents herself how she feels most comfortable and talks openly about her alopecia.
Boyfriends....... It has never been a problem. Every bf she has gone out with has known about her alopecia before they asked her out. (They would not have seen her bald head though). Now, there is a serious bf on the seen and that was a little more challenging for her. He knew about her alopecia but it took quite a few months for her to be openly bald around him. Now, I see him kissing her head, rubbing it, teasing her (lovingly) about how cute she is without hair.
My experience and my daughters may be different and unusual, but I don't see that in the people I meet on a regular basis. Most husbands and boyfriends love there alopecian girlfriends and wife's. Not all men are shallow or one dimensional. Relationships take time and effort to work out what you both need. They aren't easy and can cause pain but in my experience they are very worth it.
Men do love and respect woman without hair - I see it everyday.
Rosy
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Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on
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Some random thoughts come to mind from the varied replies in the thread. In no particular order:
There are not that many bad people. But there are many bad matches. Dig deep - understand your own "script" and why repeating it is the default. Get a grip on the perceived slights you feel because of alopecia. You might be sabotaging yourself unknowingly. It's not the alopecia that turns people off. It's the person with alopecia just being him or herself that turns them off. Own up.
As people all over this website with and without alopecia attest, alopecia is usually irrelevant to successful relationships. Own up.
Personality trumps all.
Self confidence is sexy.
Know what it takes to make a good, super good, first impression.
The only person you have total control over is yourself. Stop thinking you can change anyone. Your power is the power of persuasion. (Ever raise teenagers? you know what I mean. Core values are there....wait it out....zip up your lips.....ride it out...heave a sigh of relief)
Fix yourself and the rest of your life will fix itself.
The first time I ever saw another alopecian woman, it was a shock I was unprepared for. I saw her in a group of bald women so it was a bigger impression than seeing just one person. What impressed me the most was that they had made no attempts to dress in flattering clothes or colors or wear make-up and that both distressed me and gave me a negative first impression. I'm sure they are lovely people, but they looked dreadful. And the flip-side is just as true. Looks may get a foot in the door, but they can't keep it open.
Hope the rambling helps open new pathways.
Thea
www.baldgirlsdolunch.org
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Permalink Reply by Pam on
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I have AT and I usually don't wear a wig. I have found that men either love me being bald or hate it. I have had men tell me that I am the most beautiful person they have ever seen and I have had men look at me with horror, shock (or disgust) when see me on the street. After all these reactions from men, I have come to the point where I could really care less what men think about me. If they want to get to know me and date me - great. If they are turned off and look at me with disgust - great, don't want to get to know you anyway pal.
This disease toughened me up so I don't take men's thoughts on my lack of hair as personal attacks. If they want a woman with long hair, I just take it as I am not a good fit for them or they for me. If they don't care about my lack of hair - they may be a fit - let's test the waters. You have to be detached and not feel like it is your fault that some guy wants a woman with hair. Some guys don't care and hopefully, those are the guys you will meet. I have to say that not wearing a wig and being bald automatically weeds out the guys who do not want to date a bald woman. It makes it easier for me to find the guys who do.
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Permalink Reply by Dominique Cleopatra on
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Look into bonded hair systems or hair integration systems.
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I have a kinda different take on this all together. I am a hairdresser that has participated in a program called "Look Good, Feel Better." Years ago I had a client that would never change her hair. It was dated and unflattering. One day she tearfully told me that she was going to have chemo. So we waited. When her hair fell out she bought a prosthetic wig. She paid thousands for it. When it came it was three feet long and had enough hair for 3 people. Eventhough we cut it, thinned it, colored it, and thinned it again- it looked horrible. She was fairly young and attractve and the wig looked fake and made her look old. What we did was go to local beauty supplies (mostly in african american communities) and tried on wigs. She found around 10 wigs (btwn $20-50) that were very cute on her. None looked like her hair. No two were the same. Months later she confessed that her husband had a few that he really liked. Her friends were all jealous that she could change her look so easily. It really gave her a chance to be more experimental with her look. It wasn't fooling anybody but it gave her a chance to feel pretty and have fun at a time when she least expected it. I guess my point is that to an expert, a wig us usually obvious. That doesn't mean that they can't look great, be fun, and give people a chance to try a new look. I think it all depends on how you look at it. I thought it was such a great idea that I bought a couple of the for my girlfriend. She loves being able to cange her look whenever she wants. I think it's sexy that she can be blonde, brunette, or a redhead. She jokes that if she were to someday loose her hair our love life would get even better. She's probably right.
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Permalink Reply by sean franklin on
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Not all men like hair
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