Miserable

I need someone to talk to who understands what I am going through...and no one seems as miserable as me..they took away chat which sucks, .I am getting uglier and uglier and it is getting harder and harder to cope with, even though my wig was $2000 it looks ugly, my eyebrows are ugly, i feel like my relationship is falling apart because even though my significant other pretends to be supportive he is really a selfish, insensitive little dick piece of shit,...when I am upset at my worst he says begrudgingly you are still beautiful, forced, no affection, never a hug nothing...if he dies I would be happy, serves him right for being a jerk, none of my family or friends even remotely understands what I am going though...I can't sleep at night, I wake up in panics confused if this real,,I'm in here crying and kicked him out to the couch...if he cared he would act differently..,i barely want to look in the mirror, my skin is getting paler I can't tolerate the sun like before, the tanner I am the better I look, but with my autoimmune issues the sun is horrible for it, I have gained weight from being miserable and eating horribly...and I feel disgusting, I have never felt like I am at rock-bottom as I am not...I want to do drugs to numb the pain and make all the unhappiness go away and be in a happier time...I feel alone, and bitter, and confused, and disgusting...I feel like I want to leave my son's father but who will want me; I sure as hell wouldn't want to date me, and I feel like even the people on this website who are going through what I am going through don't understand...I am overly jealous of people. and sadly my hair, brows, and lashes were my best feature and now they are gone. I feel suicidal and don't know what to do, then I think about my son who I wouldn't want to leave motherless, but who the hell wants to live feeling this way daily,,,nothing is enjoyable anymore, someone said to me the other day "you are pretty....all the time" and I know they said it cause people were talking to them about how different I look without make up and my wig now, even with my wig and make up I am not cute,,,my wig itches (it is the best kind you can buy), its uncomfortable, I have to touch up my eyebrows, why couldn't god, mother nature, genetics, whoever just leave me the hell alone, i have enough shortcomings as it is, this is the last thing i need in this world, its a shallow world, a shallow society, and this crap is only making me hate myself even more as a woman...

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Permalink Reply by newlydiagnosed on June 21, 2014 at 2:59am

Thanks all for the supportive comments, that was a rough, horrible night...things have improved since..I still have my days, but that was an extreme one...I do find that I wake up from my sleep sometimes confused asking myself is this real, is all my hair really gone at 30...it sucks...I do have small patches coming in, but again it is only patches which sucks...I still have some of my top eyelashes which is good, but most of my bottom is gone...I have a tiny bit of eyebrow hair left...wish it would grow back...again thanks for the support everyone...this is my first tine readiing the comments, as I was a bit ashamed of how badly i vented, but this is really the only place I can go where people may be able to relate...

Permalink Reply by ELeibich on November 22, 2014 at 3:17pm

Newlydiagnosed, please accept my request I sent you. 

Permalink Reply by Caroline on December 8, 2014 at 3:33pm

Hey there, I can totally understand where you are coming from, it is so difficult.  I hope you are coping better these days.  Back in May I was hopeful that my hair was on the way back but now it is all gone and no sign of it coming back anywhere on my body.  I have good days and bad days and you are right nobody understands not even those we are closest too.  I read a good sentence on this forum "did you ever hear someone with alopecia say yeagh great I have alopecia" I know we are not sick but we are depressed and insecure,  I hope you are feeling better

Permalink Reply by newlydiagnosed on December 8, 2014 at 3:38pm

Thank you Caroline and all that replied, I am better then that night I wrote it but still struggle everyday...everyone is different and everyone looks different, and bald and hairless dont work for me...

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