Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on March 21, 2012 at 6:18pm

Well, Me, I had my reoccurance of emotions when I started teaching and my students taunted me...not realizing that I had never dealt with such in the past because I hid it so well with falls and wigs that no one ever knew at school or in my neighborhood. To my surprise, I reacted internally as the age this might have happened in the past, sort of like a reversal of time. I had never developed the strengths, come-backs, or cynical humor that might have saved me during my teaching job. As an adult with AU (for about six months), I reacted as a child once I got home from work. The tears flowed. It didn't help that I had no support at home about this.

How wonderful it is, in contrast, that times are different, that do-rags are in style, that your daughter is strong and that she has you as her resource. My question to YOU is, how can you solve those adolescent fears within YOURSELF, at this age? Can you start slow, with people who knew you at those ages of yore, and have one-on-one support sessions or coffeee klatches with them? Go shopping for do-rag equivalents with them FOR YOURSELF? Not only might you find your old school chums more grown up on this, but you will be able to have some incredibly bonding talks with your daughter. Just a thought...

I had been a tomboy in elementary, and as an adult I once asked one of the gang if he and the guys ever knew about my alopecia in sixth grade...or what they might have felt if they knew. He said they never knew, and he has been very supportive since. You never know where support lingers once you become an adult.

Permalink Reply by Karen Smith on March 22, 2012 at 10:09am

I cried all the time when this happened to my daughter. She handled it better than I did but did not mind my tears. She ran into her old boyfriend the other day and I was sad that she saw him. When I asked her how it was she said, "When that happened to me in highschool he cried more for me than I did for myself and I will always love him for that." It is ok to be sad for your girl but you can still handle it in a positive way. She will grieve for her loss in her own way at some point.

Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on March 22, 2012 at 4:53pm

Hugs for you.:)

I always felt it was ok to be honest and upfront about the feelings I was having around my daughter's hairloss and I think that you should be able to discuss your pain as openly as your would want your daughter discuss her pain around this. I would cry when she cried, I would also explain if I was feeling sad and upset (why that was), making sure she understood it was nothing she was doing and that she did not have to save me from these feelings as they were normal when things don't go well in people's lives. I feel it's also important for the parent to show the way to make it safe to vent, to make sure she doesn't feel she has to be totally accepting of this, she is allowed to be peevy, upset and sad as long as it isn't self destructive and everyone works out ways to move forward. It's never a pleasant situation, but it can be navigated. With your full understanding of the challenges she will be facing I feel you have the perfect inroad to get to the source of any issues. I know that it won't be easy going back to revisit your own insecurities and upsets through those early years, but I believe those experiences (even though difficult) will help you navigate and manage your daughters journey.

I feel your understanding around this will not bring your daughter down, but will help you and her know the reality of the situation for her. You will be able to put things in place that empower her (like you are doing). Just as a way of reassuring you that you are doing a great job I would like to pass on a little of my own knowledge and the outcome when honesty and pain is faced head on. My daughter wears a hairpiece, but is very open about her hairloss. She has a great relationship with her friends and bf. Alopecia didn't stop her lovely personality from shining through. She has recently finished her science degreee and is going on to study education. Life has and continues to have it's myriad of ups and downs but alopecia for my daughter is very much part of who she is, but not the only defining feature. She is far more than her disease, as you and your daughter both are.

Don't be too hard on yourself it is absolutely normal to be upset about this and you are very much allowed to vent here.

Take care and know you aren't alone with this.

Rosy