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Personal advice
Hello Alopecia world,
I am looking for some personal advice and hoping this community can possibly provide it. I've been a member for a while but I remain quite silent. However, I constantly connect with the stories and appreciate the advice given out here because it always helps. I previously had alopecia totalis which was bordering on universalis. In October 2015, my hair stated to grow back and now I have a full head of hair with just a few spots. So, now I'm areata.
This is my situation. I currently live in the Highlands of Scotland. I have a full time job and my own apartment where I live alone. I have lived in this location all of my life and my family are here. However, I find the location very restricting in terms of what I can do socially and who I can meet (romance and friends). Especially, with my condition where people are less open minded. I spent a lot of time in Edinburgh as this is where my sister, nephew and main friend group live. This is around a 3 hour drive from where I currently live. I always have an urge to move down here to see how it could improve me life. My friends are always advising me to do this as they feel I can meet so many more people, experience so many more things and have a better social life. I do love Edinburgh. So, I've taken the leap, applied for jobs and I have an interview this coming Friday. I have now started to freak out a little.
If I move I will be leaving a flat which I have furnished and lived alone in for nearly 2 years, to go and live with 3 other people (who are all very good friends with one being my best friend). I am very clean individual who likes to have everything in its place. I fear that I may make the move and will regret everything. I will regret moving, leaving my job and my family here. I'm scared that I'll get very stressed with living with other people, potentially with a new job and I will considerably miss my family at home. Then the worst thing, this stress will make my alopecia return to a far more severe state. I'm an over-thinker which can stress me out and can normally put me off an opportunity or situation before its even began. I can't determine if this is because my flat, job and family are my 'safe place/comfort zone' or my subconscious is telling me I really don't want to do this.
Yet a part of me is also like 'If I don't pursue this, am I making a mistake and missing a great opportunity to better myself?Does anyone have any advice from what I have stated on what they feel I should do or advice on how to deal with my "over-thinking' and stress?
Any help is appreciated.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Pamela on
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My advice is to stay where you are. I and my husband moved from a beautiful home in the country. In the state of Minnesota, USA. After my mother passed away we moved to Florida to be by, what I thought, was my best friend. Her and I were in the service together, husbands also. 50 year friendship. This has been one of the biggest disasters in my life. We no longer speak and I want nothing to do with her. She betrayed me.
When we made the move we offered our place to our daughter and her daughter. Well in the meantime she was married 4 years ago and now has a 2 year old little boy. I miss them terribly. I can't kick them out. I could but I did make a promise that she could stay there until Hailey graduated H.S. Well that's five years yet.
We also have a son in the area. He is not married anymore (thank God) and no children.
Our Son and daughter are all we have. I have no brothers or sisters.
So stay where you are. Make new friends. People think nothing of a bald man.
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Well, I disagree with Pamela's advice, which I think ignores your concerns about the limited social opportunities in your remote location. I also suspect that you're quite a bit younger and you don't have the same real estate and family considerations - that is, a house and children.
We all face these moments of big change. You seem to be ready to make your own change right now, to go out and explore the social opportunities available in a big city. That's wonderful. Embrace it and enjoy it. Be easy and patient with yourself. It's not all going to fall into place on Day 1 or even Month 1. I've moved several times, for school and work, and I find it usually takes a year to feel really settled in. But there's nothing like the excitement of that first year. Every day is a new adventure, and while that can bring some stress with it, it always brings a lot of fun and spontaneity to life.
This is a great time for your personal growth. Yes, you will have to learn to live with roommates. You might find that you have great camaraderie with them or you might find that you'd rather live on your own. Living with other folks is like living with your family -- there's always going to be someone who doesn't take the wet towels off the floor or clean up fully after meals, and there's always going to be someone who feels put upon for having to do more than his or her fair share of the cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc. It might be you. But do your best to look for the upsides, too -- the wet towel person might also be the person who's the best wingman or the best listener or the best...something. You will have to negotiate with yourself and your roommates to make your living situation work best for everyone. (And your roommates will have to get used to you too.)
Your alopecia: Yes, absolutely, the stress of a move and a new job could cause it to return. But the less you worry about it, the kinder and easier you are on yourself, the less stress you will have. Everyone has something that they don't like about themselves -- a birthmark, a wonky eye, ugly thumb, whatever. So your thing is patchy hair. Okay, fine. You still have your personality, your sense of humor, your intellect. Focus on your strengths and the things that make you YOU rather than on a physical attribute that you don't have any control over anyway. Give yourself permission to focus on all your positives rather than on your alopecia.
Whether you stay or go, you're going to have some bad days where you think, "GOD, WHY DID I DO THIS? I SHOULD HAVE DONE THE OPPOSITE THING." This happens to everyone. You're going to have to give yourself permission to recognize that a bad day here and there doesn't mean that you've made a bad choice. A bad day doesn't reflect on the entirety of your life's worth or decision-making abilities. It's just a day. And if moving to Edinburgh doesn't work out, then it's the same thing -- it's not a lifetime of regret, it's just one thing that didn't work out as well you hoped. That's okay, it happens to all of us.
I think you should do your absolute best at the interview, see what develops, and have an honest talk with your family and friends about your worries. They may be able to help you to clarify and feel better about your decision making process, too.
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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You only have a certain amount of opportunities in life to throw yourself into exciting new possibilities. Go for the change, and do not let it be your last adventure. Know that you can be the perfect actor for awhile, until the next opportunity comes along. Make up your mind to go with the flow, nutty roommates and all, so you can write your book or tell your nephew someday. As long as you are saddled with alopecia, balance life out with extreme challenges, fun and personal growth. That's what I do...take chances on new people and places. I have never regretted it. One can always go back home AFTER living life. Maybe. Rock on! Don't forget to take photos of the adventures!
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Permalink Reply by Steve on
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Hey everybody,
I would personally like to thank you all for the advice you have given me. It is truly appreciated that you took the time to read my dilemma and reply to me. You are all very thoughtful. I took all your advice on the head and then applied it to my situation. You helped me to analysis my position and propelled me to make the right choice for me!
Just an update for you all though, I had my interview and I personally ROCKED IT, regardless that I went into meltdown before and was nearly late because I was lost (my sister calmed me down and helped - I love her). On Friday past the company phoned and offered me the job!!! *does celebration dance*. They have given me until next week to give them a final decision, but with salary negotiations etc, I am pretty sure I am going to accept. Yes, I am absolutely terrified at the whole prospect but I also have a massive amount of excitement for the opportunity and adventure that awaits me. This is a massive change for me and takes me out of my comfort zone completely but my gut is telling me to go for it. My sister and best friend who live in the city were SO happy when I told them the good news! My best friend actually started crying. She is my rock and she guides me in so many ways, more than she can ever know. She alone has given me so much confidence in my alopecia adventure. We have been friends since we were 12 and I couldn't imagine my life without her.
As you have all said, there will be times that will be hard and stressful but that is life and life is hard. You have to deal with the present and take the opportunities that are handed to you! The regret would be too much if i didn't.
So, I would like to close off by giving my upmost gratitude to you all for the advice you have given me even though you don't know me!
Wish me luck on my new adventure.
Steve x
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Steve, that is all so awesome and wonderful to hear!!! I'm really happy and excited for you - I've got a big smile on my face right now, reading your post, because all your excitement comes through in your words and what you accomplished - a fantastic interview, a job offer, having faith in yourself to do those things and to do more in the future - it's all a really big deal! You've got a lot to be proud of and a lot to look forward to. Keep us updated and know that you've got a lot of alopecia brothers and sisters out in the world who are rooting for you. :) :) :)
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