Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by lezli turnage on July 17, 2011 at 5:05am

your hair is not who or what you are it is a very small fragment of the beautiful person you are true love goes beond this if this man truley love you for you the person he has grown to know and love it wont matter about your hair lose . i know its hard to let people you truly care about see you as you and not how they think you look but if they know and love you you wont have anything to worry about ,if this is not the case then you are better off without this person in your life ,its avery shallow human being that only sees as far as their eyes and not beyoned .im sure you will be fine in time and i send you all my heart felt love and support xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Permalink Reply by Jack Gs Mum on July 17, 2011 at 6:12am

Hello Whitney, I have just seen your posting. Alopecia is a journey and some of us are on that journey and will learn from it in many ways. It is not something that comes easy but if you love someone, care deeply enough their journey becomes yours and vice versa. From what I have so far read, he has been touched by alopecia otherwise he wouldn't even remember the girl with the bald head who wore the wide brim hat the fact that he does means it touched him is some way. I would start by asking him what touched him about that incident because he may not be aware something did, and to be honest it would be best for him to understand why he was affected by that earlier incident to understand and perhaps deal with yours from a deeper level. If he approaches it the same way he did the last it means he has not learnt anything from either opportunity. We all learn in this life through our lessons and journey. You sound little unsure of yourself with this condition I would say being naked from the neck up just gives you one less thing to hide behind. We spend our lives hiding behind our clothing, makeup, perfume, big hair etc but this gives you the opportunity to shine your natural beauty and hey girlfriend if they can't see it then it is not meant to touch their particular life but trust me you will shine like a beacon in this life of yours not burn like a matchstick like some of these little people who need things to hide behind. So on the days you want to wear a wig you wear it like you would a new scarf on the days you want to go naked from the neck up you shine like that beacon of light you are. There are many different people in this world, THEM who wont make a difference and US who will, some of US have hair and some of US don't but we all shine bright like stars we are. You are an amazing individual and very beautiful so remember you shine not just for you but for all of us. Hold your head up high and walk tall my angel. Your wings will carry you home. When y ou are feeling ready, gather all your calmness and tell him of your journey, if the emotions show then that is part of who you are don't be afraid to show that person, the conversation you have with him will impact his life i can assure you, what he then chooses to do will be down to him, but you will have made an impact on his life trust me. Remember Whitney it only feels like you walk alone with this condition, we all walk with you i promise you that... Love JGs Mum x

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Permalink Reply by Pat on July 17, 2011 at 6:14am

Hmmm sounds to me like he already guesses and I think you should tell him that what he said upset you and you need to tell him something. I may be right off beam here but it's such a strange thing to say to you. If you are afraid of his reaction tell him over the phone. If any time is the 'right' time it's now. Good luck and if he runs away you have only lost someone who was never going to support you.

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Permalink Reply by elaine on July 17, 2011 at 6:28am

Whitney you don't say how long you've been together not that that should make any difference. I've found that by being upfront and having a bit of humour has helped me. I've just started back on the dating scene and I'm 44 and I admit I am finding it hard to tell men that I have to wear a wig too. There is no right and wrong way of telling someone but sooner rather than later is best. You are who you are and that's what counts. I'm just a cheeky biatch who comes out with stuff like I'm Aunty Fester or Kojak was my dad lol. I worry more about telling people I have Fibromyalgia than I do about the fact I'm bald. It's hard to know what to tell you though apart from YOU'RE NOT ALONE chick and no matter what we'll always be here for each other xx

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Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on July 17, 2011 at 7:50am

Hi Whitney,
This is one of the reasons I've always advocated getting the "telling" out of the way early - like my 'Third Date Rule" says. You aren't responsible if someone is insensitive but if they are going to be one of the people who can't accept someone with alopecia (or probably any number of other imperfections), then it's safer for YOU to find that out early so it isn't so difficult for you to cope with. Now, though, I would ask him to come over, sit down with him and say, "you know how you reacted last week to me wearing that hat and how it reminded you of a girl you knew with no hair, well, I'm in the same situation. I've had alopecia areata for ---- and I've wanted to tell you about it, but I was afraid of your reaction. Now, I've seen your reaction and if you really think it's such a big deal and it's enough for you to want to break up with me, then lets get it over with right now. I deserve someone who loves me for ME, not for my appearance and if that's not you, then we are both better off with other people." Let him respond, and if he can't handle it, then hold your head up high, wish him well in the future, but tell him that life is always going to disappoint him if he expects perfection from everyone. There is no such thing and even things that seem perfect at first will always become imperfect with time. Good Luck and let us know how it works out. Don't let anyone make you feel less valued. The only way someone can make you feel inferior is if you allow it.

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Permalink Reply by Sophia on July 17, 2011 at 8:42am

I'd say too that if you want to tell him, now's the time. I personally don't understand why you (or better said women in general) waited to tell him about your Alopecia - not sure how long you've dated him - but I just think it's something a boyfriend should know about. Not on the first or second date, but like Debbie said, maybe around the 3rd. Especially if you feel like it's going somewhere with the guy.
Sounds a bit like he already knows what's going on & just tried to bring it up somehow. If that was the case, definitely not the best way to bring it up. He probably just didn't know how to say something. How long have you been together?
Good luck telling him, I hope he loves you for who you are & not just your looks. Most guys are more understanding than you would think. Let us know how it went for you!

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Permalink Reply by Jonathon Cullen on July 17, 2011 at 8:42am

Since you have AU do you draw on your eyebrows and what about eyelashes? Being a guy with it I don't know what a girl does. If you don't do anything he might have an idea about you not having hair. By him taking off the hat he might be trying to say you look better to him with it off. I'd definitely have a face to face talk since the body language is easier to read. To start it off show him the website and say you came across it and what he thinks about it. If he says nothing negative show him your profile and gauge his reaction. I hope that all goes well with what you decide to do. Good luck

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Permalink Reply by bibby on July 17, 2011 at 8:52am

There are real positives here that will test your boyfriends character and determine the type of person he is and MOST importantly weather he is right for you. I really cannot believe that he would have made those comments with malicious intent, he is your boyfriend afterall. Look at this as a win/win situation for you. He will accept you as an entire package, alopecia included, and both of you can be happy or he will reject you and you will waste no more time with him and you can concentrate on other relationship possibilities.

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Permalink Reply by Dee Dee Linn Thompson on July 17, 2011 at 9:25am

Whitney: I am sorry to hear that. I know how hard dating and having Alopecia is. It is crushing to be rejected for something that is cosmetic and you have no control over. It is much more acceptable for a man to be bald in our society than a woman. Not that Alopecia is not hard for a man to handle as well but it is more acceptable. Some men can be down right cruel about their reactions to the problem. When I date a man, I am very conscious of how he treats other people and will not tell them for sometime. My thought is, why bother if they turn out to be a jerk anyway I've saved myself the anguish of having to tell them. If they are kind and compassionate and I see them helping other people..will visit the elderly, love animals and children..basically are somewhat nurturing. I have never had a problem with this kind of man accepting and having no problem with my hair loss. I have been married twice with Alopecia and it has not been a problem at all! But, I agree with these other ladies who recommend that you tell him in a letter. It does give him the option to not continue without hurting you further with a scene that can be twice as painful to the face. I have always written it out to men I was dating and I might add I date them for a long time before telling them. People can be cruel and unfeeling. Cut these people loose in your life you are worth more than having to take that. A man should fall in love with you, not your hair only. That is part of the package and if they are understanding you can have fun with that as well..different wigs, become a different woman..etc. you get the idea. I'd write him and tell him and see what he does, but be prepared to let the relationship go. If he doesn't want the relationship at that point. His loss and there is a wonderful man out there who will love you just the way you are!

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Permalink Reply by WENDY GUILAVOGUI on July 17, 2011 at 9:26am

I can't imagine how you feel. I have a full head of hair and would trade it to cover my daughter's. She will be 4 next month and has alopecia universalis. I hate how young kids treat her when we are out but, she is oblivious to it. I can't get her to wear a hat but, then I realized why should she. She should be proud of who she is. She and I don't remember when she had hair so I believe it's as if you were born blind and could never see would you miss it. She noticed someone staring at her one day and pointed and called her bald. I told her people will stare because she's different but, that's what makes her special. I worried if she would one day find someone to love her because this world is so obsessed with appearances. I, myself, use to weigh almost 300lb and how people treat me now at 170lb is quite different. Anyway, I met a woman my age in the doctor's office who was wearing a hairpiece. I didn't even notice but, she told me she was getting married next month in Bermuda. She said she told her fiance that she was not wearing a wig on her head in the heat. She said he was fine with that. It was all I needed to hear. My gradfather told me beauty is in the hair. My hair thinned and fell out in blotches 5 years ago due to stress. My husband loved me anyway. We eloped at the time because I didn't want hairloss in my wedding pictures. Beauty is not in the hair. Beauty is only skin deep. A real man will love you regardless. I think you should bring it up soon and tell him about it. That way if he's not worth it, you wouldn't have invested any more feelings in to him. You might be surprised he may feel like an ass and know you are worth more. You are worth more. The question is he worth you?

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Permalink Reply by kastababy on July 17, 2011 at 11:24am

Hey Whitney,

It looks like the majority of everyone has it right on this one. Your boyfriend may already KNOW that you have alopecia, but until you take that leap of faith and tell him yourself, you're removing his option of saying "No" from the table.

All too often, we allow our own fears of what MIGHT happen to dictate our lives, instead of accepting what WILL happen and move on in spite of them. It looks like you've come to that crossroads where you're going to have to decide whether or not to tell him and accept the consequences of each choice. You're a smart girl - and you're also very confident and from hanging with you at the conference, you strike me as a take-no-prisoners type of person who refuses to allow alopecia to make a victim of her. This is one of those defining moments that I talk about that shows the world whether you're a victim or a survivor. You CAN do this. If things don't work out afterward - well, they just don't work out, and you just try again. I have a feeling, though, that this may turn out a lot better than you expect it to. Have faith and know that we are all here for you regardless!!

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Permalink Reply by Clayton on July 17, 2011 at 11:48am

Uh, unless this is very recent boyfriend (like as of yesterday) he already knows there's something up with your hair, he HAS to. I mean they just don't make wigs THAT good. I mean, really....

I've read a couple of the other comments and I mostly agree with them. I personally wouldn't be with someone I had to hide something as important as this from. My God, how uncomfortable you must be! Worrying about what he's thinking and seeing.

Uh-uh, if nothing else get it over with for your OWN peace of mind. To me, Dude is the minor part of this equation. YOU have to be true to yourself no matter what. That's the only way to be at peace, in my opinion.

If he can't handle it, oh well. I'm willing to bet that telling him is the best thing you can do, because no matter what he says or does, you'll finally have gotten this off your chest and that can only bring relief....

We're here for you no matter how things turn out....Clayton

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