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Stinging words
My boyfriend, who does not know about my alopecia, came to my house today and saw a wide-brimmed hat on my bed. He tried the hat on and then I took it and put it on my head, over my wig. He paused for a moment and then said "nah...take that off. You remind me of a girl from home." and I asked "Is that bad?" to which he replied "No, but she didn't have any hair. I know that's a mean thing to say...but..." and he took the hat off of my head as his sentence trailed off and placed it on my desk. It really struck a cord with me as I've been contemplating telling him for a few weeks and have been waiting for the right time. Ironically, I also had a dream last night that he was sitting with my two young nephews and I. One of them (in the dream) said "baldie!" and pointed to me. He kept repeating it and my boyfriend finally asked me what he meant by it. I woke up before I answered.
As he made those statements at my house today I was very emotional but tried to hide it. He left and it seemed as though he thought everything was fine. I know that this is probably the best opportunity to tell him about my story and how his words, though not meant for me, still hurt. I'm not sure what the outcome of the conversation will be or even how to open the conversation in a way that won't "attack" him. Regardless, I want the issue to foster a conversation on mindfulness.
Any thoughts on how to approach this?
As he made those statements at my house today I was very emotional but tried to hide it. He left and it seemed as though he thought everything was fine. I know that this is probably the best opportunity to tell him about my story and how his words, though not meant for me, still hurt. I'm not sure what the outcome of the conversation will be or even how to open the conversation in a way that won't "attack" him. Regardless, I want the issue to foster a conversation on mindfulness.
Any thoughts on how to approach this?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jessie on
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I encountered almost the exact situation with my then boyfriend, now husband 20 years ago. I still had hair at the time but was balding rapidly, covering with bandanas and wide headbands, his comment was "wow you have really thin hair"..a few days later, we were watching TV and I said remembr the other day when you said I had really thin hair?....and I explained the whole thing. You need to tell him before you become too involved and I think this deserves a true face-to-face not email or letter. I beleive his comment about an ex sounded harsh because it was his ex. Men/boys need a reason to have an ex especially if it was not thier choice. If that is the worse he can say about her, then it most likely was her decision. I ahve two wonderful teenagers and have been wiht my hsband for 20 years. Hair is such a vain thing and men usually have the least issue with it, so trust that he cares about you, not your hair. Good luck! :)
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Wow, he knows two people with alopecia! I would amend what Tallgirl said and have TWO pleasing beverages on hand and a few friends on-call who appreciate you, and they would tell you how awesome and fun you are. If he is going to have a big hang-up and miss all that you are, good riddance.
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You are beautiful! and the man ho's gona love you, is gona do it no matter what. I'm dating after 4 years and planning to get together. I told my guy about my condition in our first date. I though... if he is interested in me he'll find the way to surpass the shock! He did... We have fun with it now! I wear wigs in the city, any color, any length! and at the beach i'm bold. He has learned to handle it, I think it's harder to the ones around us.
You'll never find the right moment to tell him, just do it. Give him time to digest it, give him information, it's not contagious! If he cares he'll be there.
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http://tebe-interesno.livejournal.com/127849.html?=googlereader
Show him this and say guess what?
Hard to believe that he does not know that you have Alopecia. But lots of blokes are not very observant. Shame on us! I was at a party a few weeks ago and one of my mates pointed out a woman ( his wife knew) and said, "she has the same Alopecia as you". I looked from about five meters at a woman with hair. I looked at her surreptitiously
from many angles, but i could not tell she was wearing a wig or made up eyes/brows. After about twenty 'looks' i thought perhaps her hair looked rigid........but remember i had looked intently for imperfections. She was enjoying herself and woe betide me to be a Jackass, by going over and saying, "your my twin".
It's your choice. Going out must be agony if you have this thought of 'do i or don't i tell'.
I think Abe looks good though.
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Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on
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Whitney, I know how much your boyfriend's words had to hurt you, but I think he will feel much differently when you tell him about your alopecia. I waited for months before I told my boyfriend that I wore a wig. Why? Because I wasn't sure our relationship was strong enough for him to accept this. Finally I just told him that I had something to tell him, but I couldn't tell him just yet. I waited probably another month and told him that I wore a wig. His reaction was "So, I wear a partial; do you feel any differently toward me?" He has never seen me without my wig and probably never will. I can't even look in the mirror and feel good about having no hair so how can I expect him to do the same? I so admire the beautiful ladies on this website who can go without their wigs and feel good about it. I am just not one of those and probably never will be. It is so sad that society puts so much emphasis on hair. TV commercials, magazines, etc., are so possessed about women's hair. He has never asked to see me without my wig, but I guess he knows me well enough to know that I would never show him. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will accept you as you are and you not having any hair won't change that. You, like me, will know when the time is right to tell him. I wish you all the best and I think you are going to be so pleased when he accepts this and it will be a huge burden lifted from you or it least it was for me. Good luck and keep us posted!
Sandy
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Permalink Reply by Sunshine on
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Whitney I just want to say you are beautiful just the way you are. As someone told me after I showed up with no wig on you have such a pretty face the hair was a distraction. Girl you have beautiful features strut your stuff.
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I'm so happy things turned out well for you. We always tend to torcher ourselves with what could happen. Chin up beautiful prayer and confidence will get you through.
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Thank goodness! Vital are those times when couples truly share: no matter what the result, the words and looks remain in memory for years. I'm glad the words turned out to be tender in your case.
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What an amazing guy and I'm not one bit surprised at his response. I know what a huge burden you feel has been lifted. I just love happy endings!
Sandy
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That androgynous feeling I think is common, because so many have an identity based on cultural and media hair standards. I Googled the word "androgynous," and saw the origins as well as the changes in culture (mostly male body types and adornment), but mostly I gathered that androgyny is based on traits other than hair. True, it is harder to identify a friend at 20 paces without the tell-tale hairstyle, but we can easily become known just as well for a wig style or color. Weren't you more concerned, actually, about HIS opinion of you, and HIS regard of you as a woman? So glad he cleared that up. How do YOU feel about you after that talk?
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Well, you sure look all woman today! : )
Yes, you are right: it takes two sets of feelings to consider in a relationship. I remember an episode of a Sunday night TV show where the woman was so concerned about her cancer and hair loss that she couldn't see the emotions of her husband, who was also losing "the partner he knew." After his outburst one night, she woke up to his emotions, got some wigs and had some fun with play-acting with him. True, this is a typical Hollywood approach to a serious issue, but the part that remained with me was her change to considering his feelings, too...and his own sense of loss. The guys are in this with us, too...if they choose to be. I well know that some don't, and the emotions after a long-time beau or husband leaves because of our hair loss can be devastating. I have also experienced my sons' getting into arguments and fights with other boys about their mom, and the worries of parents (mine) steeped in old traditions. Truly, this affects many others! Pardon me for not reading into the timeline of your comment...I must have missed that part!
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He's definitely a keeper! Sounds like you've found the right guy, Whitney. I'm so happy for you. It's wonderful to share this with other women going through the same worries about their Alopecia. See, ladies? Those great guys are still out there - don't settle for anything less than a man who will love you and support you unconditionally, because you deserve it!
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