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The 'Third Date Rule' by Debbi Fuller
For those of you who are dating and don’t know how to broach the subject of your alopecia with a new person, this is my best advice: You tell them on the third date, without fail!
When you go on a first date with someone, you’re just checking them out and seeing if they are worth getting to know. You definitely should not be getting so close that they need to know about your hair – right?
On the second date you are evaluating them for possible future relationship material. Ask all the right questions; find out if they are good to their Moms, etc.
If you both like each other enough to go on to that all-important third date, then it’s time to tell them about your alopecia.
For one thing, you don’t want them to put their hand on the back of your neck and be surprised that there’s an edge there, but, most importantly, if you wait longer, the alopecia becomes the elephant in the room.
You know that you have to bring it up, but the longer you leave it, the more difficult it is to do. If you let it go until you’re really involved and the person can’t handle it, you feel devastated and miserable because you let yourself get close to someone who, in my opinion, is unworthy of you in the first place. Now you need a shrink to get over the experience!
Don’t do that!
Tell them on the third date. That way, even if you get rejected, the most it takes to get over it is a glass of wine or two! At this stage, you can say to yourself, “Well, I’m sure glad I found out now that this person is so shallow that they can’t see me for the wonderful person I am.”
Anyone worthy of your love and affection needs to be able to cut the mustard. Anyone who would not want to date you just because you have alopecia will disappear at the first sign of trouble on any front. What would happen if you got seriously ill with, say, breast cancer, and had to have a mastectomy? He’d be out the door. You want someone who will truly love you for who you are and won’t judge you if you gain a couple of pounds, wear glasses, have spider veins, a sagging butt, or alopecia!
The best people are the ones who see the real you, the person who is funny, caring, strong, hard-working – all those great qualities that you have!
As to how to broach the subject, don’t make a big deal about it.
Say something like “By the way, before we go out again, I need to tell you that I wear a wig because I have a condition called alopecia areata. Have you ever heard of it?”
If they say yes, then get into a discussion of how and why and find out how much they know. If they say no, then tell them about it.
Tell them that you are totally healthy; that it is an autoimmune condition that only affects your hair; that one out of every 100 people will get the little round patches during their lifetimes; that you are just one of the lucky ones that got totalis!
Be funny; make sure that you don’t make it a big serious thing.
You’ll be able to tell by the way the discussion goes if the person can handle it or not. If they can’t, no big deal; there are plenty of better fish in the sea. If they say “No problem, your hair looks great!” then make another date!
Finally, if you decide to continue seeing each other, don’t wait long before the ‘unveiling’. Anyone that you continue to see will want you to be comfortable enough to take your hair off in front of them. You want to be yourself, hair or no hair.
I know people who have been married and had children who never let their families see them without hair. This makes your life very complicated and stressful when it doesn’t have to be.
You can wear your hair when you want to, and take it off when you don’t! Everyone just adapts to it and, after a while, they won’t even notice if you have hair on or not!
My husband never even notices when I change from long hair to short! He volunteers me to take off my vacuum to show strangers my tattoos! That’s the kind of love and acceptance you deserve.
Don’t live your life in fear of people finding out. Take the bull by the horns and show them! They’ll think you are great and, if they don’t, you don’t need them in your life.
You are worth it!
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* Reprinted with permission from Debbi Fuller.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Casey on
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I struggle with this, but I often find it has a natural way of coming up a few dates in anyway. The last guy I was seeing- when I told him that I wore a wig he said "I know, I figured it out on our first date but I figured you would tell me why when you were ready to talk about it". It didnt bother him in the least that I wore one!
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Permalink Reply by Debbi Fuller on
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Hi Casey,
Your experience is more common that people realize. They think that no one knows they are wearing a wig but most of the time, people actually DO know so there's no point in trying to keep a secret that isn't a secret at all. Most GOOD guys won't care either.
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Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on
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Hi debs
Isn't that the truth. When my daughter lost her hair I was initially concerned that she may be rejected because of it. At that time I discussed my fear with my husband. His reply was very straight forward and supremely knowing. He said have you looked at your daughter...she's gorgeous. He knew innately that she was a whole package and 'no hair' was not going to detract from her beauty.
All through her teens she was dated and had some lovely boyfriends.....not one was concerned by her lack of hair. ( not to say she didn't have to work on her own acceptance sometimes, that was challenging on and off through those years...but I believe all teens have to find themselves and accept themselves for all they are, as we all do ultimately.
As Debs has said confidence and knowing yourself and your beauty well is stunningly beautiful.
I have been fortunate to be supported by Debs over the years....her and the other ladies I have have been supported by are truly beautiful ladies and her counsel is so worth listening to.
Good luck to all the dating ladies out there!
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Permalink Reply by MJ Wrick on
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I really appreciate this article, I was wondering what to do now that I may be dating soon. I have dealt with AA/AGA for almost 30 years, but the last "fallout" was over the holidays- during which time I lost my job,faced a health crisis and was abandoned by my husband. Trust is going to be difficult for me, but I love 'general rules' for things & the 3rd date rule is a great idea. Three dates isn't such a huge time investment that it can't be overcome. In many situations, like a recent MRI appointment, I had the girls passing around my rooted synthetic wig kind of awed at how real it looked. You never know who it might have a positive impact on, and the more you share the easier I think it gets, so I think even dating it may be a help. I think the whole dating thing has to be a lot more difficult for teens and young folks- many of us "boomers" face different types of health problems at our age age so you'd think maybe we'd be less shallow about the hair loss issue...
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I'm SO glad you thought it was helpful!! Good Luck meeting some great guys - they ARE out there!! This way, you'll be sure that at least the guys that aren't phased by AA are not 'shallow Hal's'! They may have OTHER issues, but at least they won't only be focused on the purely physical.
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Permalink Reply by Heather on
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Thanks so much for this! I just started seeing someone, and I wasn't sure how to approach the subject, and when. When I've told an ex-boyfriend in the past he was extremely uncomfortable, and it was a very bad experience. I think I'm going to just go for it. Thanks so much - this is so helpful.
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Good Luck Heather,
If he's a good guy with the right values, he'll be fine with it. If he isn't, you have just dodged a bullet!!
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Hi Connie,
I'm clueless! Where do I find your blog? Can you send me a link? debbifuller3@gmail.com
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Permalink Reply by Tatiana on
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I was dating a guy for about 3 month. First we were more like friends. He never noticed that I had a wig on.
So when things started to became more romantic between us I told him about my alopecia. We were at the lounge drinking wine during that conversation. The guy was literally in shock. He made up a story that has to wake up very early, asked for the check and that was it...:( Its been 3 weeks already and he never called again. I was always secure and confident with my alopecia. But his reaction made me feel like a fool and ugly. I cried for a week. Even lost 5 pounds which is a good thing. I just did not expect this reaction from him. All I expected is to hear that I am still beautiful but instead got a knife in my back....sucks.
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Tatiana, you need to think of this differently. He did you a FAVOR!! He's a shallow ass and you just dodged a bullet! What would have happened if you had been a woman with hair, you married him and then you got breast cancer and lost a breast? Would he have left you because you weren't "perfect"? Consider yourself lucky. THIS is why I tell people to tell the guy after the 3rd date. All you need then to get over him is a large glass of WINE. Forget about him - fast.
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Hi Debbie,
This answer helped me so much. I am two years divorced after a 10 year marriage and one of the things that made me take so long to leave my unhappy marriage is I was certain no one would love me or find me physically attractive without my wig/weave. I opened up to my ex about third/fourth date and he was just so loving. Although in the course of our marriage when I would be training for a marathon or just taking a break and living without my weave he could get a bit mean and dismissive.
Anyway, now I’ve started dating and I met someone who I liked enough to be open about my condition. So on our fourth date I revealed my true self and he couldn’t leave fast enough. He even took everything he had previously left at my house and I’ve never heard from him since. I’ve been feeling hurt but I also count my blessings because it is what it is. He just wasn’t willing to accept me as I am. I have since been practicing self love and keeping an open mind trusting there are better candidates out there. Thank you
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Hi Patricia T. THIS is one of the reasons I wrote this. Yes, it's distressing when someone is so shallow that they can't handle the news, but it's SO much better that you find out quickly rather than investing time and emotional energy into someone who just isn't worth it! I can guarantee you that there are plenty of guys out there who WILL love you for exactly who you are, hair or no hair. He just wasn't the right candidate. Keep shopping!! Let us know when you find him too!
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