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True acceptance?
I am realising (perhaps with the most recent gradual disappearance of eyelashes and eyebrows that I don't fully or truly accept my alopecia. I have at points in my life thought I have accepted it. But 27 years on I realise I don't. I tolerate, deal with, laugh at, manage, but I don't know how to accept it and be ok with how I look or feel as a result. If I am truthful with myself I feel unattractive, unloveable and lacking in confidence. I cover it pretty well, but deep down this is how I feel. After the break of up a 5 year relationship almost a year ago I am too scared, too lacking in self- esteem to consider to starting over. The thought of explaining my alopecia in a new relationship or having to bare my "vunerability" to another person again seems too hard for me. I really want to find true acceptance of my alopecia and how I look. I don't know how to do it! How do I not feel ugly and unattractive? How do I accept the alien that looks back at me when my face washes off at night? I am disappointed in myself that I haven't accepted it fully after this time when I see people who do and who shine.... Any thoughts are very welcome...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Heather on
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Lorna, I feel exactly as you do, and I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I am trying to accept this, I really am. It is exhausting!!!!!! I used to feel pretty okay with myself, I was very social, and felt pretty attractive. I still have hair, but it's diffuse alopecia areata, and it's going pretty quickly. As for now, I don't feel attractive, haven't been very social, and trying to be okay with my alopecia. I wish I could be one of those people who have alopecia and they are SO okay with it. I'm wishing I could get to that point.
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Permalink Reply by Lorna on
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Yes, it is a really hard journey getting to the point... I remember when my hair would fall out, regrow in parts, then others would fall out and it seemed to be a constant rollercoaster of hope then hoplessness. Now I have accepted that I will always have alopecia and it's not going away so I at least don't have the up and down's of dashed hopes. Thanks for your thoughts and I really hope your journey to acceptance is faster than mine!!
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Thank you Alice! I really appreciate what you said. Perhaps I do need to be less hard on myself and accept at least for now I don't accept it or may never reach that "happy" place. Still I hope to, but it'll take some time to get there I think. I am really happy for you that you are in a good supportive relationship. P.s. So happy to know I amn't the only alien out there! Made me smile!
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Permalink Reply by Angie on
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Well. This is new for me also. I have AA and it's hard to think one day it just might be no hair at all. Wouldn't it be great if we could start over somewhere, like a new town? Then we can go cut it off or just take our wig off.
The new people would just know us as we are not as we use to be with hair. Maybe in this new place you would meet this new guy, who just loves bold, beautiful and bald women. I think until we accept ourselves, no one will. They have to see and feel our confidence. We have to WoW them. This is some things that I think about. Well I can't sell my house and run, so I'm working every day to feel, look and think beautiful. I guess we have to WoW ourselves first.
I spoke to a sister of ours, who said she it’s been over twenty year and she have not really accepted it. Just know we are here for each other. Who knows: you just might meet a man with Alopecia. That would be so great to meet a man who already understands. Look to see if there are any date sites for alopecians. Many people are dating on line. wanted to just let you know this one way to meet people.
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Yeah, it'd be great to start over in ways; new place, people etc! But I know at present I'd still carry how I feel about myself to my new start and then it mighn't go so well. I definately do need to find my confidence in myself and I have no desire to be in a realtionship for a while. This is my time right now. Partly, why I joined this site to make peace with my alopecia and find a new inner strength through being able to share with people who understand. So I am grateful for your comments. Do you know what the dating site for alopecians is called? May have a nosey sometime, even though I'm not really looking. Thanks for your understanding and thinking of you too!
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I'm glad you joined this site. We need you here. We must always be here for each other. When you feel better sister go aheard, be nosey. I'm married I've never used this site, but I did meet my husband on line. I just googled it and this is what I found. I once started a girl scout, because my daughter wanted to join, and they it was full. You could always start a site where you live.
http://www.alopeciasingles.com/
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Permalink Reply by Karen Smith on
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There are good times and bad times with alopecia just like everything else. When my daughter's boyfriend broke up with her she cried and said no other boy would love her because of alopecia. It broke my heart. The break up a 5 year relationship is devastating but don't stop living because of the alopecia. My daughter went off to college and dated alot her first semester. Some of the boys knew about her condition, some did not, she had alot of fun. She is now back with her boyfriend but she knows if this does not work out that another boy will love her. The alopecia is sad but it has not stopped her from being happy, take time to cry and then move on.
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I am really glad to hear your daughter how found the confidence and freedom to be herself with her alopecia and it hasn't stopped her having relationships and seeing people! I wish her lots of happiness!
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Thank you for what you said! I think I need to read it over a few times and let it sink in. I really like your idea of changing the what alopecia takes away to what is gives. I am definately going to try and focus on that! It's a really positive way to look at things - thanks!
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Thanks for your comments! It is a comfort in a way to know I'm not the only one who still can't believe what I look like when I am naked (in the alopecia sense)! I look at myself and can't quite recognise myself.... It's great you a married and have a good relationship! And you are right finding someone accepting is really important. The only way.
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Permalink Reply by Norm on
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Hi Lorna - sorry to hear you're still not happy with "you" even after all this time. But I suppose there are no rules to say we should be OK with stuff at some point... I believe there are some extremely good-looking, incredibly wealthy people out there, and they're not happy either. Funny old world, isn't it? :)
Y'know, Angie and Stacey are absolutely bang-on about the way to deal with this. It's nothing to do with "looks", it's to do with the inner you. As a guy, I couldn't care less how much or little hair you've got, so long as you carry it off by being confident, fun, and just... well... YOU.
Try turning it on its head... what if you met a guy who was constantly being depressed over... oh, I dunno... let's say he'd hurt his leg, and didn't have full use of it any more. Wouldn't you get cheesed off with him after a while (in fact, would you even go near him in the first place)? But if he was always laughing and having fun, making the most of life despite his disability, I bet you'd be interested then....
So come on, don't be down - embrace being bald and make it part of who you are! Give us a smile and let's see a sparkle in your eyes! And if you buy me a drink and make me laugh.... I'll love you even more! :)
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You are right, many people search for happiness but can look for it sometimes in all the wrong places. I do agree that attitude to life and inner feelings are the way to happiness. I think I have been focussing recently more on the loss and anxities the alopecia brings and forgetting the other postives about who I am. I do need to need to focus on this again. Then maybe it won't feel so bad and be so hard to accept. Thanks for your positivity!
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