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What if people ask?
When you are 18, supposed to be an exciting and fun time in my life, but 24/7 deal with AA!!!! Been on this roller coaster for 2 + years.....
Then,how do you answer when someone questions whether you are wearing a wig? Of course, it is no one's business, but people are cruel and don't care, as we all know.
It has happened a few times, and I don't know how to answer that such personal question. No one knows, except my family and I want it to stay that way. Anyone have any ideas please?
Sam (Samantha)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Superduper on
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My daughter's journey began with AA at 18 right before departing for college. While she has chosen to be very open about it because living in a dorm created hardship and stress with concealing her AU, it has been a growing experience and now she is very direct and humorous if anyone inquires. She did have a few folks who were less than kind and kinda creepishly obsessed with her condition, but most folks have been more than gracious. Maybe a friend or two near your age with the same condition could offer you support and coping strategies.
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I'll try to give you what little advice I can give you. When I was your age, I had long black hair, I was really proud of it. In my 20s, my AU kicked in and it rocked my world.
For years, I tried to explain things to people. Its AU, no, its not catching, no I'm not a Nazi, no I'm not racist and it started wearing me down. So I sat down and asked my father, "I really tires me out having to explain thing to people." Now, my father was a old farm boy, salt of the earth sort. He looked real thoughtful about it, then he said, "Tell 'em its cancer, that'll shut 'em up."
You don't owe anyone anything. If you want someone to know, tell them. If not, tell 'em its cancer, it does really shut them up.
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hi Sam for sure people will ask how you answer or not is up to you. When I am asked I simply respond its mine I bought it. I found that the questioner never asked again. You are correct in that it is no ones business and you want to keep it private. Practice getting comfortable in stating clearly I do not want to talk about it, I appreciate you not asking again. Oddly no employer ever asked me if I was wearing a wig, even when I would take the company physical. Once you start to date they might ask. My husband never asked me if I was wearing a wig. even after I married he did'nt care because he loved me wig and all. I hope when the time comes you too will find a gem.
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Permalink Reply by Nmoore on
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I have had AA since 15, which developed into AU within the year and ended up shaving it all. I’m 18 now and since then lost everything all over my body. My advice to coping with it, is to own it. Be confident and find any little positives within the condition itself. Try to be humorous about it, if you can be open and crack silly jokes about it yourself it makes it much easier not only for you but for people who may be uncomfortable to ask.
If you have any other questions, need advice or just need to vent, feel free to message me. :)
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Permalink Reply by Gena on
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It is tough. Mine started at 23 and at one point I had AU which was the hardest. People thought I had cancer because I had no eyebrows.
If you invest in a high quality wig it's really hard to tell!
The toughest part for sure was dating. Even my doctor told me it was going to be a hurdle! But everyone has baggage in some way or another. I found someone and I told him on our second date and he didn't even react. He didn't care and it was the best response I could have received. We are still together 8 years later.
Is there a reason you don't want anyone to know? I don't tell everyone but I told my friends and some close colleagues. But when people ask I have no issue telling them (actually people often say oh your hair is always so nice! How do you get it like that? And that's when I tell them. ). If you act like it's not a big deal, the people you tell won't think it's a big deal! I've had conversations with women in a gym locker room because she thought I wore a wig because I was Jewish and we spoke about head covers for exercise! I know it's really hard, but I think you should own it and not make a big deal of it. Because if you do, other people will think it IS a big deal and I feel like THAT is when it gets uncomfortable!
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Hi sam,
I am 31 years old and I have had alopecia since I was 14 years old. You are right it is none of their business but at the same time people are curious so ofcourse they will ask. I was very much like you, I didn’t want people to know I had alopecia but I deffo couldn’t hide it as long as you did.
Being honest and upfront about alopecia shows power, strength and most of all confidence. Please don’t put yourself under the pressure of trying to hide it from everyone as you are already dealing with so much already! I hope it time you will be proud of who you are with having alopecia, and I hope you are able to share your experience with the world.
It’s taken years for me to do this so please take your time but I regularly go out bald and I really don’t care what people think of me any more.
Be proud to be you, you shouldn’t be ashamed to have alopecia, you don’t deserve shame to be upon you.
Sending you lots of love, strength and courage
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That's the nature of alopecia. My son tried a hair system but for men it's much more obvious. His alopetia started at 17 with a few patches. By 18 it was universalis. He was allowed to wear a hat in high school but there were instances of kids knocking it off his head. It was a traumatic time in his life.
Kids are kids. They can be cruel but inevitably they mature into more caring, sensitive adults. I myself knew nothing about alopecia until my son lost his hair. l would pay attention to people with wigs, fake eyelashes and tattooed eyebrows and think why the heck would anyone do those things. (Or I assumed they had cancer.) Then I became educated. Rather than change the world to mind their own business, we encouraged our son to own his condition. He now uses opportunities as they present themselves to educate people about alopecia. We're proud of how comfortable he has become.
Sharing a small, personal and intimate part of yourself with others may be more healing than you think. You never know what seeds may be sown or the bonds created. Hang in there Sam, it gets better.
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I'm sorry you have to deal with this. There are so many great responses on this thread - I hope you get some good ideas for ways to respond and how to answer. If you're feeling a bit peckish, you might try this one:
I read a lot of advice columns and there are often questions about how to respond to rude/intrusive questions. One of my favorite responses is answering the question with a question - "Why would you ask that?"
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What aherstm said. Ask "why they would Ask?" Sometimes people are not trying to be rude, they are just ignorant. I think you would be surprised by the answers. Maybe your hair looks great and want to imitate you. Maybe they know someone with alopecia. Who knows what people are thinking. But I believe in educating them! For example, my 2 boys are autistic and sometimes they can behave as if they are misbehaving! And of course I get dirty looks from people thinking I am not disciplining my kids. The dirty looks are from people who are ignorant about the matter. Same with alopecia!
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Hello Sam...
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I have had AU since about 4 years old. I am now 53. I have seen just about everything when it comes to alopecia and dealing with others. Grammar school, high school, college, etc. Its a tough situation. It immediately puts you on your heels when all you want to do is blend in when it comes to your hair. I definitely have been in that exact situation many times. And sometimes, they don't even ask. They are just looking at you and can't quite figure out what their own reaction should be. I can laugh at those now, I didn't always.
My suggestion to you is to be upfront immediately. Is that a wig? Yes it is. Is that your real hair? Well. it is definitely mine. Why do you where a wig? I have alopecia universalis. And so on.
And I know, that giving that response comes with confidence about your AU. And that for me was the real issue to get over. In that moment, when someone asks me, to not be defensive or feel awkward. Now It just comes out as simply as if someone was asking me where I bought my tie. There will always be ignorant people that are asking for the wrong reason, and I think you can figure out which ones those are. Your response will probably be irrelevant. So you may just have to reply and walk away.
I would also suggest you find someone to talk with about your AU, if you haven't already. I tended to internalize these types of situations, and that was not healthy. Being able to discuss them with someone you are comfortable with is a real help. I think this is more important for you than your answers to people's questions.
Just my two cents.
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