Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mark on March 27, 2009 at 10:18am

Gosh, I don't know. My most recent circle of friends and acquaintances centered centered around my ex. They are really stereotypically gay in terms of being superficial, fashion obsessed, and heavy drinkers. So being around that and then having the areata start happening was particularly worrisome. It was stressful enough being around that, not to mention the areata. My ex told me early in the relationship that if I ever got fat, he would dump me. Even though it was kind of a joke, I should have seen the writing on the wall in terms of his superficiality. He even told me what clothes to wear most of the time, which is just silly.

The superficiality and vanity in the gay community really bugs me. I try to laugh about it, but the insecurity that you can see on the faces of people in gay bars and such is an energy that I can't stand to be around. Femininity is really not unattractive, it's the insecurity and vanity that really adds together to make someone seem queeny. Actually you see the same insecurity and vanity in the also pervasive, fake hypermasculinity.

The gay community sometimes reminds me of that movie "American Pyscho." Just layered in falseness, pretense, selfishness, etc.

So I definitely don't think my orientation means great things for dealing with A.A. On the other hand I do think I have a certain resilience that I've gained from being gay, but I'm working on that being stronger. :)

Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on March 30, 2009 at 7:37pm

I'll have to agree with you about gays being superficial. I find it especially true among the 20-30's crowd.
I also feel a certain resilience from being gay.
So tell me did the ex dump you because of the alopecia?

Permalink Reply by Mark on April 6, 2009 at 8:10pm

I don't think it had anything to do with the alopecia. My beard and neck A.A. is not extremely noticeable (yet). But then again, he's vain as all get out. So who knows. :) I like to think that he realized that his vanity, alcoholism, and cocaine use wasn't compatible with me. I'm so different than him. He doesn't believe in marriage or even monogamy. Whatever floats your boat, but I've got to be more picky next time I go partner hunting.

It feels cliche to say it, but I already feel like my dating pool is smaller being gay, and then I have all these requirements. I guess I shouldn't lower my standards out of desperation... ;)

Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on April 6, 2009 at 8:22pm

Don't lower your standards. I always liked to say that "I have admitedly high standards" Haha
Dating pool is smaller you will probably ending up being "cousins" with most of your friends.
Know what I mean?

Permalink Reply by Lori on April 4, 2009 at 10:16pm

I'm thankful my husband and my sons have been so supportive with my AU. There's alot of stigma attached when your a female and lose your hair, it's like a part of what makes you femme is gone. Men go bald no one thinks a thing about it, but no matter how we as a society evolve I really don't think it will ever really be ready for bald women walking about in public as if there was nothing wrong. There would always be the stares and whispers.

In all honesty I did ask my hubby if I had AU while we were dating would he have given me the time of day, he did say the begining of our relationship was based on an energy not just a cosmetic feature.

Plus he says my little bald head is sexy, and with all myb wigs he can always get his kink on!


Those who aren't willing to accept us for who we are on the inside aren't worth having a place in our lives, and we're better off without them.

Permalink Reply by Mark on April 6, 2009 at 8:13pm

"Those who aren't willing to accept us for who we are on the inside aren't worth having a place in our lives, and we're better off without them."

I agree.

Permalink Reply by Gill on April 26, 2009 at 8:17am

Hi All

Sitting here watching the London Marathon, and feeling totally useless, not to mention unfit, I am fiddling about on my laptop, as you do. And started to wander about the site, not been on for a while. I came across Jeff’s post “Has your sexual orientation helped or hindered your acceptance with alopecia” My initial reaction, I’m embarrassed to say was………..Alopecia is Alopecia, regardless of your sexual orientation.
I then thought again, I have AU and am aware of peoples “reactions” and other than being overweight, single and out of work, I have got no other issues to contend with.
I have no personal insight into being gay, but from media coverage and a friend many many yrs ago “coming out to me”. And sitting here thinking, how difficult it was to tell people I had alopecia and the comments it came with, let alone having the “label” of being gay as well. They are both things that people do not understand, even in this day and age there are people that feel being gay is a “choice”.
My heart goes out to everyone who has been touched, or like me “is heavily touched” by alopecia and as my friends would say “she is just touched” rude lot.
We all judge by initial sight, but lots of people manage to change their outlook, I thought until today, that I had become, non-judgmental, but reading this post proves maybe I still have a way to go.
I hope this makes sense to you all, and nobody takes offence to my post, it certainly was not meant to offend anybody.
I wish you all the best.

Permalink Reply by Vicsta on August 28, 2009 at 1:31pm

I think that part of the acceptance relates to whether or not you are in a relationship with someone already or not... for example, when I met my OH, I was already thinning, but not balding so I was still able to get away with my hair and did not have to resort to cosmetic hair replacement or anything like that. Then during my LTR with him, my hair went from thinning to balding and we decided I was gonna go for the chop, so my OH shaved my head for me. I went through the process of shaving, wearing wigs to work and then progressing to wearing scarves to work with him by my side. I feel as if the fact I was with someone at the time, who was very supportive of me, helped me to accept what was happening to my hair and to have some confidence about my appearance. I know that I am very lucky and blessed to have someone who loves the way I look with hair, without hair and in-between with the scraggly haired look. So this made it a lot easier for me.

HOWEVER, if I had not been with someone, I think my acceptance of myself and my self-esteem would have been a lot lower. I think I would have really struggled to cope because I would have been constantly thinking about how I would not be able to meet a significant other with my appearance as it is. I think that within both the gay and heterosexual dating scene, there is so much emphasis on looking a certain way and almost like marketing yourself in a certain way, that it is like looking for a needle in a haystack to find someone who is not being constrained by these parameters and is willing to look outside the box. I think that if I were to be single now, I would probably struggle somewhat with my acceptance - almost like regressing somewhat - as I would see the alopecia as another obstacle to me being able to meet someone to date/have a relationship with.

Permalink Reply by emily on August 29, 2009 at 8:08pm

well i can answer that with a definate yes my alopecia has "helped" me around issues of sexuality, and also "hindered" me other times. ill speak on how its helped. being in san francisco, being bald is interpreted as a choice, and not an illness. i have in the past been asked why i would "take away from my prettiness" by older women and men, but in the queer community it seems to be a signifier that i am gay. infact, i can probably attribute my hairloss to giving myself more permission to explore sexuality b/c of the acceptance here. people definately think i am gay, most even before i knew, they say things like "well i just figured cause you shave your head..." what does that even mean? i dont know but with dating women, it has really "worked" for me. on the other hand....dating men, well, thats different. i have had relationships with men since i have shaved my head, and i have found that some men like it and others really really dont. i feel a little invisable to men lately to be honest. i remember wearing a hat on a 1st date with a guy and being really nervous to take it off. gratefully, he was not only accepting but thought it was stunning, or so he said....needless to say, we didnt work out, and it is ALWAYS my alopecia pitty party that makes me think it is b/c of the way i look. its a good question to think about. i am also not thin,a bit overweight, and this too contributes to what communities i feel more accepted in. im in here. im in this body with some extra weight and a bald head. i appeal to a small demographic, but i am grateful for that i guess.

Permalink Reply by Luc30 on June 23, 2011 at 1:29pm

Hi Emily,

So I noticed you're talking about San Francisco - how accepting is it really? I've been looking to move out of Washington D.C. - which is to say the least: too corporate for me. Is San Francisco really as friendly as I hear people say?

Thanks!

Luciana

Permalink Reply by Cristian on November 30, 2009 at 4:22am

It definitely didn't helped me. I always felt pretty bad of accepting my sexual orientation, but having even AA it made things even worse for me. And I am saying this thinking about my acceptance in the society. Being gay means automatically that you are different: this is what you learn watching 95% of the people around you while the rest of 5% are obviously discriminated against. Your family is str8, your friends are str8, there are no gay people at your school or at your university, you just happen to meet from time to time a gay person... so you are already in a minority group. This taught me take things on my own, dealing with my problems on my own, and in general becoming a quite independent person. Starting to have AA it made it even worse. I felt difficult to participate in the society, anyway, but this time i even had an obvious reason. I think that what makes things hard is that i am thinking that people see me as an sick person, a human being which unfortunately has been affected by some disease. I can't stop thinking how people watch me with a bit of pity and regret thinking for themselves that it's good that they're not like me. And this feeling it's definitely hard to accept.

Permalink Reply by Neesh on November 20, 2010 at 1:17pm

Hello everyone....I am a lesbian woman. I dont really try in put myself in a box but u can say im a butch female. Now i dont think my sexuality helped me accept my Alopecia Universalis but it has helped me hide it. Being able to wear do rags and baseball caps without being asked why i wear them all the time has help me feel a little less self conscious. I dont really want to get too deep into the situation. Just wanted to share a little.

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