Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sarah Anderson on March 2, 2010 at 11:21am

my parents would tell me "its just hair"" its useless" but my mother was a fighter she did everything in her power to make me comfortable! now 20 years later she tells me that your kids are only as astong as there mother! and i believe her 100%. now im married and my husband says its just hair get over it! this makes me so mad i could scream! so in that case im in the same boat as you he wants to know nothing about the condition and will not go to a conference with me! but i can tell you be strong for your kids!

Permalink Reply by Christine Messner on March 2, 2010 at 11:34am

I soo feel what you are feeling...The day I found out that my son had AA I was upset as ll parents would be, my husband was too. But I was the one who was on the computer for 4 hours or more each evening( I just had a baby 5 weeks before this all happend) and found out as much as I could and tried to get awareness out( in winipeg). I even got a news channel to do a story about AA Kyler was in it. I found this site (thank goodness) ECT... My husband did nothing..He just said the same thing at least he is not sick this won't hurt him! Well mabye not in a physical sense bit emotionally big time..So I soo get what your saying! ohh venting feels so good!

Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on March 2, 2010 at 1:00pm

These are relationship communication issues and that it's about hair, our hair and our self-image, gives it an added edge. But the dynamics of how to be heard by your men( partners) and how they can process and how they hear you ( about hair or anything else) is the real issue. I talk about his topic very often at Bald Girls Do Lunch. It's universal.

If women do anything, they need to say to their man very calmly and very unemotionally and when you have his full attention. " I've been thinking about something in a new way.I don't need you to fix my hair situation. I just want you to know that I know that it's frustrating for you not being able to do something specific to fix it. I know you wish you could make it normal again." Don't expect any reply. Just say it and move on. It will sink in. Be patient.

Your men don't love you less. They're not uncaring. But when they cannot do something to fix your situation their coping mechanism may be to minimize it. Women make big improvements in their relationships when they refocus on what their partner's internalizing and put it simply and sweetly into words for them. And tell him calmly you that you're not saying it with the expectation that he can take any action ( he needs to know at the start of the conversation that you don't expect him to 'spring into action" nor to 'solve anything"..." I just want you to know that the way it feels to me is that I've taken a hit to my self-image. It's going to be a bumpy road while I sort it out." When he hears you say these things, he becomes someone who will seem more supportive because he's hearing you acknowledge his helplessness to help you.

If these techniques are unfamiliar to you, you can learn them very quickly in the now classic how-to book: How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. You can substitute the word " Partner" for Kids. If you're willing to ditch old habits and try new ways of talking and listening....most of all knowing how to listen" actively"...you can sail through life with new found ease and beauty. The burden of relationship problems will drag you down if you don't have some good tools in your toolbox for dealing with them. Heck, you can even have more control over invasive mothers and others once you practice some new techniques on them, too.

Most of all, even if you grew up in a dysfunctional family where people didn't know how to talk to each other (I did) you can turn it all around and do better within your own family. But, be forewarned that it might take people by surprise when you change your "approach" so let them know you're going to start doing things in a new way and you're aware that they might find it strange initially.

Everybody has different ways of coping. Let your guy (or partner) get used to the newness of it all and try not to impose what you think he should do. Give some thought to what he's better suited by aptitude and personality to do.

Thea
www.baldgirlsdolunch.org

Permalink Reply by Ellie on March 2, 2010 at 5:38pm

My daughter started losing her hair at 2.5. At 3.5 pretty much all of it fell out. I t was really hard for me and my husband didn't think it was a big deal. About 6 months later I went out for a girls night out and came home to my husband searching the interent for wigs. I was starting to feel better about it. I think that it hits everybody at different rates. It really struck my husband when our daughter walked up to him and said she had not hair.

Permalink Reply by jackie estrada on March 17, 2010 at 12:44am

We were the same as well! Mikeys daddy would say its just hair, be happy he isnt sick. It was hard because we were letting his hair grow long. So for him to lose that hair was very hard for me. I knew at some point if I wanted to save his pony tail it would have to be cut. But only when I was ready for it to happen. His daddy was ready now. I told him if u cut his hair while im at work I swear u will be dead and i will be in jail! LOL! and i ment it at the time. Well i decided it was time on feb 8th I cut it at home saved his pony and took him to have it shaved. WELL WHEN DADDY CAME HOME HE DID A DOUBLE TAKE AT HIS SON< WHO LOOKS VERY DIFFERENT AND HE LOST IT!!! I did all the research and he did nothing. He still doesnt research it because he knows we dont know what the outcome will be. Im ok with it now because I now see that it has hit him. And does he cries when hes home with them. How do i know? cuz Mikey tells me daddy cried like a baby today :( men wanna be tough for us when in fact they are making us feel alone in this. So glad reality hit him before I did! LOL!!! Good luck I hope all goes well for u :)