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Dating and Alopecia
I am a new member to this site. I am a 45 year old single (never married) woman and have had Alopecia Totalis for the past 15 years. I have tried everything re: dating and it has chipped away at my self-esteem so much. I have told some guys about my problem after they get to know me and have dated for a couple months, and I have told guys on the second date when there seems to be mutual chemistry and compatiblity. Neither have panned out well for me. I have take long hiatus' (years) from dating to avoid the discomfort and potential rejection. I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life and I have so much to offer someone. The prompting for this post is due to a man I started dating who recently rejected me for what I assume was my telling him about my hair condition. He simply disappeared a couple days after I told him. I go from feeling incredibly hurt, to feeling he doesnt deserve me and how much character can he have in the first place, to feeling very angry. I am of the belief at this point that no matter how much confidence one has about being a hairless female does not erase the superficiality of guys out there.
Just thought I would get this topic going again on this forum.
Lesli
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Diane on
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I'll be interested in your replies. If I re-enter the dating world, it sounds pretty grim
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Permalink Reply by Lesli on
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YOu are a very pretty woman and I would never know you wore a wig by looking at you.
Do you take those long dating hiatus' as well? Lesli -
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just saw this post- sep after 24 years married. so pretty long not dating! I hope things will go better for you. Are you meeting these guys on internet dating sites?
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Permalink Reply by SlowBlue on
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Lesli,
You are so right about guys being superficial. But woman are about the same as well. I've had AA since I was 14, giver or take. I still had eyebrows & lashes back then but lost them when I was around 35. Shortly before I lost them I married. Was divorced 2 1/2 yrs ago. Haven't had a woman look at me since. I'm 44 now. So I know where you're coming from. It's like you said, "I...We have so much to offer. Why can't we find someone that see's that?". I don't have a period in my life, when I had hair, to look back on to ask the question of whether or not I'd accept someone with this condition. I'd like to say that I would but, I suppose it's hard for someone to fully accept us in the sight of their friends & relatives and I suppose there are a number of reasons for that. I know none of this is of any consolation and I'm sorry Lesli. I wrestle with loneliness and anger just about every day. It's hard to get up the courage to go out and see if someone might be out there for me. I do but not as often as I should. But I'll keep trying till they drag me off to the funny farm cuz love is what it's all about, huh? Don't give up Lesli! Someone is out there and he's praying for someone just like you.
Slowblue
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Thanks for the encouragement, even if it is via sharing my struggle!
Lesli -
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I've always assumed it's easier for men but I guess it's not. It's more socially acceptable for men to be bald
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More acceptable, yes. But without lashes and brows I get at least one, "eww, what's that smell" kind of look from a woman everyday.
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Permalink Reply by Linda on
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Hi Lesli,
I could have written your post word for word... I feel exactly the same way... I have had AA for 4 years.I am divorced and the rejection is unbelieveable. Men seem to like me until I tell them about my alopecia and then they disapper, or some men will tell me to my face they cannot deal with it. I am never seen without my wig, and when I do tell them around the 3-4 date, they had no idea I was wearing wig. I too have a lot to offer, but a girl can only handle so much rejection. When I had my hair I had no problem dating. I know there are people on this site, that have met men that don't care, but that has not been my experience at all... I too feel that due to Alopecia I will be alone the rest of my life. I am not being negative, that has just been my experience in the last two years. I guess we can just hope that maybe there are still men out there that will love us for the wonderful women we are. -
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Permalink Reply by Hannah on
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This post has made me so sad, I met my boyfriend just as I was loosing all of my hair. It wasn't easy but he has always been pretty cool about it and is really sensitive. I am not comfortable being bald around him but he loves my long wig and I often feel more glamourous than I did with my old hair.
There is someone out there for you that will be chilled with it and see it as a unique, my bf now points out the benefits (I can get ready super quick in the morning) Please don't give up!!!! xxxx
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Permalink Reply by Lester on
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And here I am, a guy who thinks a woman can be her sexiest with no hair that has trouble finding someone. Yes, it just doesn't make sense...
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Permalink Reply by Rob on
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Sounds like you've had some bad experiences... unfortunately, the guys that focus on who you are instead of a pre-conceived notion of what you should be, aren't any easier to identify.
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It's not always about the alopecia. Twice now I've had men come on like gang-busters from the start, then pull away later, and they knew from the beginning about the hair loss. it can be the whole "if it's too good to be true..." or the more common-he found someone else. Best to take it as a learning experience. I would say be careful with your heart..but the alternative is not good either.
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