Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Edgar Elliott on July 22, 2010 at 3:35pm

Sad but not so surprising that someone would cry over a bad haircut to someone with alopecia.. Like an investment banker complaining to the janitor about having made only 15 grand that day.. says a lot about that person IMO. But don't sweat, so many people are selfish and ignorant, chalk it up to that.

As far as the beach? who cares, there is more to your appearance than just your hair.. I am fairly skinny, so a shaved head isn't the best look, so I focus on other things that I can control such as tanning, dressing well and good hygiene. Those are the things that you can control, and besides you have a nice looking face and a nice skin tone. remember not everyone has something going for them appearance wise.

Permalink Reply by E Ski on July 22, 2010 at 4:24pm

I have gone to the beach twice with friends who don't even know that I have Alopecia and they didn't even notice (I wore my wig as always). So naturally I was a little nervous about going, but we know we can't live our lives in fear. If you have a wig that can take a little salt and sand, maybe just try wearing it? If you go in the ocean, either don't go deep in or if you do, do something to suspend the wig on your head. If you think you'll be too hot, make sure you have cold drinks and maybe even a frozen towel to comfort you while you're laying out.

As far as the personal/friendship thing, I've had a friend (who knew about my condition) complain that her hair was too short when she got it cut. I gave her a look and was just like "Reallyy?". She got the hint and was sorry because she didn't mean it in that way. I guess sometimes we can't be selfish/sensitive and just have to be grateful that our friends are treating us as their friend and a normal person instead of acting differently around us. I'll admit to being jealous when my best friend talks about how long her hair is, but again I do like that she doesn't treat me like someone who's sick, needy, or different in any way.

Hope this helps!

Permalink Reply by Artemis88 on August 5, 2010 at 12:14pm

I have decided to have a wig that is "for play" like times when it will get wet and what not. In the rain, running around, pool, beach.I think I can keep it on.
You have a good point about her viewing me as if I am no different. But sometimes I just think she can't relate but thinks she does. So she doesn't censor herself. I went out with a jewish guy once and she told me he probably wasn't going to take me seriously (cause I am not). She never even met him. Her husband called her out on it and she apologized.
I don't know.

Permalink Reply by E Ski on August 15, 2010 at 4:56pm

I understand what you mean, but after reading your comments, it seems as if she's a great friend that just has some drawbacks... but don't we all? Maybe you just have to recognize that sometimes she doesn't have a filter and can't completely understand everything you're going through. However, you probably don't understand everything she's going through either. If you don't tell her your feelings about the situation, she can't be sensitive about them. If you do express your feelings and she still responds in a way you do not like, then you learn from that and realize maybe she's just a different type of friend who is better in light situations. Hopefully she wasn't being malicious with the Jewish guy ordeal and she was really thinking about your well-being (she can't assume this particular guy would only date a Jew without knowing him, but maybe she heard the generalization before and didn't want you to get hurt).
All in all, it's your judgment whether your friend has the best intentions and just isn't the best at executing those intentions, or if she really is a little too insensitive.

Permalink Reply by Artemis88 on August 16, 2010 at 12:38pm

I don't think she was being malicious with the jewish guy, but I after talking about her with some other friends of mine that know her, we have come to the conclusion that she can be a pretty negative person for no reason, and she ISN"T that happy with her own life right now.
So maybe it is coming out in lashing out to other people. I know that she has a hard time empathizing with other people's situations. She has proven that to me in the past.
I tried really hard to not talk about my alopecia with her, but then it barely came up in the conversation as an aside just last week and she leaped on it. She told me I was not handling it well, and that it wasn't that big a deal and that if SHE had alopecia she would be handling it better, and not letting it effect her like this. She also likes to compare me to her cousin who went through chemo once and lost her hair. She thinks it is the same thing.
She also thinks that it doesn't affect the dating life, and that I am imagining that, and that no guy cares about it.
I wanted to come through the phone and smack her. I haven't spoken to her in a week since that conversation. We hadn't even been talking about me, she totally steered the conversation there.
I don't know what her deal is with being so mean about this when she doesn't even know anyone else with the condition.
I know she isn't entirely happy with her like, but still. No empathy. It upsets me, but I think you are right in that I have to type her as far as friendships are concerned. We have been friends for over ten years, but I think that she needs to be placed on the outside of my inner circle, at least for a little while.
Does that seem harsh?

Permalink Reply by Samantha on August 16, 2010 at 10:47pm

No I don't think it's too harsh. Still try to be there for her as a friend, for as much as you can handle. But don't let yourself get stressed out. Don't let her negativity bring you down. When I my friend tries to broach the subject with me, I change the subject or suddenly have to go. After awhile they get the hint. Open up your circle and try to meet more people. Do they have any support groups near you?

Permalink Reply by Artemis88 on August 16, 2010 at 11:48pm

I don't know if I have any support groups, I am sure there must be. I am in Manhattan.
Do you know how I can find any?
I am really trying to get away from her negativity. It is just so random and annoying, and uncalled for. It is like she is mad at me for having to deal with this, and it being a real thing.
Very saddening.
I usually use the change to subject trick on her, but this time she really took her opening and ran with it. Like really went off, didn't even give me a chance to change the subject before I got too pissed to not respond.
But you are right, I have to be the one who controls it.

Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on August 17, 2010 at 8:42am

Support groups and new friends who get alopecia concerns:

www.naaf.org


Click on Support Groups and find your own state listed. Then GO, call, meet! Take a parent along!

Permalink Reply by E Ski on August 17, 2010 at 10:57am

Definitely not harsh. When I have whined (I admit I have done this haha) to my friends in the past about boy situations, they tell me that the right guy won't care... but they don't say it negatively that I'm worrying too much. My good friends that know about my ordeal have also told me how strong I am for dealing with this; they say they have no idea how they would deal or what they would do and they can't believe how great I've been with it. Sounds like you need more of those friends and could spare losing her. I think if you really care about having her as a close friend, you need to call her out on her negativity. Tell her what you're telling us--she doesn't know anyone with this condition; people who go through chemo get their hair bark, know when it's going to fall out, and know that it won't fall out again. Definitely different.
Friends shouldn't take out their anger with life on you. Sure, they can unload their problems on you as is natural, but they shouldn't bash your problems. Maybe even showing her some of this thread could show her her wrongdoings and how concerned you are with the situation that you brought it up to people who have a little more understanding of your hair loss and its effects. Show her how you said great things about her too, which is making this harder for you because you don't want to completely lose her due to a curveball life has thrown you.

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Lee Watkins on August 3, 2010 at 1:39pm

Go to the beach....with your parents, or someone else, or alone, but no with her! This woman is insensitive, and in my humble opinion, not a "true friend." I'm older than you are, dear, and I know the type...

Good luck in dental school!

Permalink Reply by Artemis88 on August 5, 2010 at 12:17pm

Thing is, she has been a really good friend, have known her for 12 years now. She made me food when I was studying for exams and brought it to school for me. She sends me encouraging emails when I am stressed out... I just feel like sometimes she is a little off and I don't even think she means to be. That is what is annoying about it. I don't think she is deliberately hurting my feelings, but at the same time I wish she would stop and think about what she is saying. She never really does.
But that being said, I don't think that I am going to go to the beach with her. I don't think that I would enjoy it anyway, it isn't worth the trouble if it isn't going to be fun.

Permalink Reply by Samantha on August 15, 2010 at 2:53pm

I think friendship is a term some people take loosely. Friends also come in different categories. Is she really a close a friend if you can't tell her how you feel about going to the beach? Or the fact that you are worried about going to the beach with her, I think that puts her in a not so close friend category. I have friends that know about my hair loss and still say things that get on my nerves, like you just need a new hairdresser, or some other 'helpful advice'. But I realize it's just their 'ignorance' and try to 'educate' them or sometimes its not worth it and I just ignore the comments. Try to decide which friendship category she is in and move on from there. Enjoy life to the fullest. You've studied hard and accomplished a lot, you deserve many fun filled days at the beach.

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