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A step backwards...
The last few months I haven't been able to come on to Alopecia World and I have to be totally honest but I have taken some recent blows in my self esteem which I find strange for I'm not one to let my appearance get to me I know I don't look like most people in the outside world but at the same time I always thought that when people got past the initial shock of me being bald that they saw what I felt a very attractive woman.
I guess it started when my fiance's sister came to stay with us,she found herself in some trouble and needed a place to stay. I never been around someone that couldn't stop bringing up the fact that I have no hair, most of her comments started off as innocent but annoying when you hear the same comments everyday, multiple times a day, like your so lucky that you don't have to shave.after a couple of weeks of comments harmless like that, she would still say them but add I wish I didn't have to shave but I could never handle being bald and everyone thinking that I am ugly. I quickly corrected her and said I know a lot of people who think I am pretty even with me being bald I also told her I know people who say that having hair on my head would take away from my face. She said I misunderstood her and then said "all I meant was I couldn't help but think everyone would secretly think I was ugly and make fun of me behind my back.
I couldn't believe her,here I am trying to help her get back on her feet and she's making me feel uncomfortable in my own home,I know when I leave my house I expect people to look and even stare and make comments but my home is my safe spot. I have my husband who thinks I'm beautiful and tells me everyday,I have my 15 month old son who is use to me having nothing on my head at all and thinks it's funny when I put my hair on my head.It's my safe place and she left me feeling violated. She has recently moved out but I no longer am as comfortable with myself.I feel embarressed and awkward. She told everyone she knew about me and not that it bothers me but the only reason she told them was so she could tell them about my baldness.I have no problem teaching people about Alopecia but this wasn't one of those times,it was like she did it in hopes people would think less of me or something. I wish I was stronger person and that she didn't get to me how she did.Now I don't know how to go about having Alopecia around my fiance family,she made me feel like I should hide.
I guess it started when my fiance's sister came to stay with us,she found herself in some trouble and needed a place to stay. I never been around someone that couldn't stop bringing up the fact that I have no hair, most of her comments started off as innocent but annoying when you hear the same comments everyday, multiple times a day, like your so lucky that you don't have to shave.after a couple of weeks of comments harmless like that, she would still say them but add I wish I didn't have to shave but I could never handle being bald and everyone thinking that I am ugly. I quickly corrected her and said I know a lot of people who think I am pretty even with me being bald I also told her I know people who say that having hair on my head would take away from my face. She said I misunderstood her and then said "all I meant was I couldn't help but think everyone would secretly think I was ugly and make fun of me behind my back.
I couldn't believe her,here I am trying to help her get back on her feet and she's making me feel uncomfortable in my own home,I know when I leave my house I expect people to look and even stare and make comments but my home is my safe spot. I have my husband who thinks I'm beautiful and tells me everyday,I have my 15 month old son who is use to me having nothing on my head at all and thinks it's funny when I put my hair on my head.It's my safe place and she left me feeling violated. She has recently moved out but I no longer am as comfortable with myself.I feel embarressed and awkward. She told everyone she knew about me and not that it bothers me but the only reason she told them was so she could tell them about my baldness.I have no problem teaching people about Alopecia but this wasn't one of those times,it was like she did it in hopes people would think less of me or something. I wish I was stronger person and that she didn't get to me how she did.Now I don't know how to go about having Alopecia around my fiance family,she made me feel like I should hide.
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Comment by Melissa Harris on September 9, 2008 at 3:26pm
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Sarah,
Dont let your sister in law to be get you down and feeling that way! Her opinions and comments do not define who you are. Maybe you should tell your husband to mention to her that making ignorant comments like that is rude and if you want advice from her, that you would ask. I have a sister-in-law that makes stupid comments sometimes too but I have learned to limit my time around her and not let her opinions or comments get to me like I used to. Life is too short and don't let that stop you from living your live to it's fullest. It's not worth it! Get back on that horse girl! You are beautiful too!
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Comment by Sarah McIntosh on September 9, 2008 at 5:35pm
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I try not to let her get to me and I do limit my time with her now that she has her own place.I have spoke to Jacob about it and he has talked with her about it also,he told me not to let her get to me that she is just insecure about her own life,but I have to admit that it was the first time since high school I was made to feel that way.
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lol,that's to funny,maybe that's what I'll do the next time she gets into my personal space.That would be great.
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LOL! Angela and Bogie are hardcore! That's what I love about them! It's ok to admit that it got to you! My sister-in-law did that recently and I was so upset. She actually was trying to give my advice about my husband and kids when she has no room to talk! I really was upset for a while. That's totally normal. I think your husband is right, she is insecure because I know in my sister-in-law's case, it the same reason. She even named her kid what I was gonna name mine. Crazy chick! All I am saying is that you are a strong person. Anyone that has Alopecia is STRONG! We dont just deal with the average problems of the world. You have to be mentally tough to get through this disease and still try to enjoy life. You hold your head up in front of his family and if they love and respect you, they will see way past the Alopecia and see you. Anyone that doesn't isn't worth spending to much time and effort with. I have cut a lot of BS out of my life in order to not be stressed and for the FIRST time in my life take care of myself better than I ever have before! You will get through this and things will be alright! And you can take and girls advice too and sprinkle some hair the next time you see her, LOL! Just kidding! Take care!
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Comment by jamie1 on September 9, 2008 at 11:38pm
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You mean to tell me that alopecia isn't catching? I've been telling certain family members that for years just to keep them away. I just hate myself for lying! Anyway, Sarah, you are a real cutie! I'd kiss your bald head only I'm afraid your husband would punch me.
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Between all of you I think this is the best I giggled in quite a while,I feel much better and I guess it still shocks me that people who are suppose to care about you, that your suppose to care about, can be like that.I think what was most shocking is that my house is my safe place and that she came here to stay to get on her feet and she violated that.But all of you and your suggestions are great,I absolutely love them!
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Comment by Tony on September 10, 2008 at 6:06am
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Your hubby knows you are beautiful, so does your son, your family and friends. We know it too. It's hard not to hear the comments, the innuendos. At least consider the source. Sounds as if your sister-in-law has more than a couple of insecurities, not the least of which is being jealous of you. Hang in there Sarah.
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I try not to bring anyone else down,I have high expectations for myself and how I take care of my family and I believe expectations are a good way of setting standards for yourself.I know she has insecurities and problems beyond repair but I find it hard to sympathize for her,what makes me more upset is I let her get to me.I know I shouldn't have but I still haven't figured the best way to deal with rude or obnoxious comments outside of my home other than ignoring them so it happening in my home threw me off guard.
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Comment by Heather Lorelle Mattisson on September 11, 2008 at 2:00am
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Hi Sarah! When I first read your post, I thought: Her fiancee's sister is going through a period of really low self-esteem that has nothing to do with Sarah, and she feels so crummy about herself that she's really reflecting how she feels about HERSELF onto Sarah. And if she's your fiancee's sister, how could that not feel personal to you? It would to me, and it sure would hurt. However, I don't think that changes the fact that her hurtful behavior was a reflection of her own low self-esteem, and had nothing to do with YOU. Because when you love yourself, you don't treat people that way. At any rate, I'd say pick your beautiful self up and get back on your horse - remember that sometimes even the people you care about can get in the way of you loving yourself. It's NOT because they don't ultimately care about you, it's because sometimes they are struggling with their own self-love, and have become weak themselves, and so engage in destructive behavior. Everybody can be weak sometimes.
But, I say don't let 'em get in the way of you loving hourself - not BELIEVING people when they say things like that is all that's needed to win the battle. If you believe her, then she's won, and she'll feel happy for about 5 minutes, and then she'll go back to feeling horrible.
And if that doesn't work...and even if it does...I'm with Angela.. "OMG! That chick needs a beat down! And I am SO SERIOUS about that!!
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Comment by Lisa on September 11, 2008 at 8:54am
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Good god man! Someone needs to kick that girl in the head. Usually people are some what easy to shrug off when they show their ignorance but that is above and beyond jackass. I am sorry that happened to you. I would guess that we all have insecurities that lurk low and when someone shines a light on them, well, suddenly you see them clearly. I would feel the same as you. She got you inside your own walls when you least expected it. We are not unbreakable and thank god we are not. Your family and friends will bring you back and remind you how much you are loved, valued, and needed. They will remind you how beautiful you are. This is an opprotunity to build your character even stronger, and have a renewed value of yourself. However long it takes will be worth it, and until then...enjoy remembering that you KNOW what love feels like and you KNOW what beautiful feels like, for she may never know in her life what that is. And that is sad. You will be better than before. That is a fact, trust and believe it because love is all there is and you've got it.
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