Ok. So I haven't been on here in a really long time, and am feeling a) out of the loop, and b) embarrassed that I can get so wrapped up in some aspects of life that I forget about other aspects, like connecting with people here. I actually find I think about this site a lot, and about all of the amazing people who are sharing their stories, supporting one another, and celebrating their differences. Part of what's keeping me so busy these days is that I'm teaching a course for the first time in my life. It's a master's level theories of counselling course, which requires me to really know my stuff, as well as to feel confident enough to lecture, lead discussion, challenge the students to think in new ways, grade papers, and offer feedback to help the students learn on their own. It certainly feels like a tall order; and I'm doing more work than I ever thought I would!

But one of the things I find myself constantly reflecting on, in addition to whether or not I'm doing a good job as a teacher, is what the students think of and about me. I don't mean this in terms of do they like me, or what are they thinking about me as an instructor or therapist (although I do think about this often). What I do wonder about is how much of their class time is spent wondering if I have cancer, or what else might be "wrong" with me. Sometimes I feel like I have to work even harder to prove myself (as a student, counselor, therapist), so that people will get past their thoughts about my appearance and be able to really listen to me. I think, then, that a lot of my perfectionism, dedication to excellence, and ambition stem from a need to prove that I'm not just a bald head; that beyond that I'm interesting, smart, capable, creative, exciting, passionate, etc. While teaching, I find myself working really hard to distract the students from my appearance, and instead focusing them in on the content, material, and issues pertaining to the class...hmm...sounds a little disingenuous to me, now, as I write this.

I thought about telling the students up front about my alopecia; this would certainly have dealt with the above problem quite effectively. I wouldn't have to be worrying about this every class. But this dilemma is something I struggle with all the time. I don't like drawing attention to myself or talking about myself much; however, with alopecia, and my decision not to wear a wig, I sometimes feel I have no choice. In order to avoid my constant worrying now, I could have just told them about alopecia up front. At the same time, why do I have to be prepared to talk about alopecia every where I go? I think it's situations like this that make me feel extremely vulnerable. In many ways, my experiences are dictated by others reactions to me and how I look. And although I can be strong, dedicated to my work, and prove myself intellectually, others will always have their reactions to me, and thoughts about me. And I'm supposed to explain myself to every new group of people I meet - in order to not feel confused and frustrated later on.

I suppose this is no different from the experiences of others, in that everyone is subject to others' opinions in some ways. I think though with alopecia, these situations are magnified. I know I am in control of my feelings, but sometimes, actually a lot of the times, it doesn't feel this way.

In reflecting on this...I think I'm always in a struggle to feel in control of my surroundings. I just never quite know how to do this...