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just a few thoughts on my mind
So, I’ve been thinking for some time. I’ve had AU for just about 5 years now and I’m a sophomore in college. For now, I wear a bandana practically everywhere I go. When I’m at home or in my apartment (at school), I will go around bald because it is more comfortable and I know my family/roommates don’t mind. For a while, when people would come over, the first thing I would think would be to cover up. I’ve slowly come out of that, and will let them see me without anything covering my head. (But only in my home/apartment)
When I was in high school, I did wear a wig for two years. I will never go back to that. I think wearing a wig made me more self-conscious than anything else. It was like I was hiding who I was and what I was going through. I was constantly paranoid about whether or not people could tell it was a wig, or if it would fall off. There was a time I was in PE and a basketball hit my head, making my wig go flying off. Not many people saw as it was the end of class and those who did were really cool about it (not to mention shocked!!)
I realize that covering my head in other ways can be seen as trying to hide the fact that I am bald, but I wouldn’t go quite that far. It’s quite obvious when people see me that I don’t have any hair. And honestly, I really haven’t come across many people who cared that much, even in high school (I’ve heard many stories of people being teased all the time, but it was never like that for me, including my senior year when i didn't wear a wig). My goal is not to hide who I am.
To get to my point, I want to be able to go out without feeling like I have to cover my head. I want to be comfortable with people seeing me completely bald. To be honest, the main reason I won’t do it is because I am scared. I’m not quite sure of what though, or at least I don’t know how to put it. I’ve worn a bandana for so long it’s become habit to put one on every time I go out. There have been a few times where my mom has told me to cover up when company was coming over (it just so happens that those times, I was working up the courage not to. But her being my mother, I just did it not really wanting to discuss it. I’m not sure if she was just trying to protect me and help make me feel more comfortable, or if she wanted herself and others to be more comfortable.)
I guess I’m just looking for someone to tell me that everything will be ok when I decide to show the world my head. I’ve never quite asked friends what they would think of it, mainly because I’ve convinced myself that they will say I’m freaking out for no reason, that it shouldn’t matter what I do, and they are fine with it. But, they don’t know how alopecia really affects you mentally. I’m making it a goal to not care what others think and to go out as I wish, and I’ll make sure I get there someday. For now, I’ll just keep on trucking until I make it happen.
When I was in high school, I did wear a wig for two years. I will never go back to that. I think wearing a wig made me more self-conscious than anything else. It was like I was hiding who I was and what I was going through. I was constantly paranoid about whether or not people could tell it was a wig, or if it would fall off. There was a time I was in PE and a basketball hit my head, making my wig go flying off. Not many people saw as it was the end of class and those who did were really cool about it (not to mention shocked!!)
I realize that covering my head in other ways can be seen as trying to hide the fact that I am bald, but I wouldn’t go quite that far. It’s quite obvious when people see me that I don’t have any hair. And honestly, I really haven’t come across many people who cared that much, even in high school (I’ve heard many stories of people being teased all the time, but it was never like that for me, including my senior year when i didn't wear a wig). My goal is not to hide who I am.
To get to my point, I want to be able to go out without feeling like I have to cover my head. I want to be comfortable with people seeing me completely bald. To be honest, the main reason I won’t do it is because I am scared. I’m not quite sure of what though, or at least I don’t know how to put it. I’ve worn a bandana for so long it’s become habit to put one on every time I go out. There have been a few times where my mom has told me to cover up when company was coming over (it just so happens that those times, I was working up the courage not to. But her being my mother, I just did it not really wanting to discuss it. I’m not sure if she was just trying to protect me and help make me feel more comfortable, or if she wanted herself and others to be more comfortable.)
I guess I’m just looking for someone to tell me that everything will be ok when I decide to show the world my head. I’ve never quite asked friends what they would think of it, mainly because I’ve convinced myself that they will say I’m freaking out for no reason, that it shouldn’t matter what I do, and they are fine with it. But, they don’t know how alopecia really affects you mentally. I’m making it a goal to not care what others think and to go out as I wish, and I’ll make sure I get there someday. For now, I’ll just keep on trucking until I make it happen.
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Comment by Rach on April 7, 2008 at 2:07am
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It's crazy, I too think of just letting it all hang out, I have AA with patches which I still cover by "hair piling".
The reason I don't is the fear of that first reaction, I don't want sympathy or to be treated differently. It's completely true how people really under-estimate the mental effect. I think it's awful how obsessed people are (me included lol). Although if you just did it people would forget really quickly there was anything amiss :).
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Comment by kastababy on April 7, 2008 at 7:45am
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Believe me Kristen (and you too Rach), it really WILL be alright when you show the world your head. As adults, the biggest fear is the perception that somehow we will be diminished in the eyes of others when we decide to show our heads in their full glory. And yes, while that will be true in some cases, the overwhelming vast majority of people will think nothing of it and go on about their daily lives. The added blessing of being in college and showing your head is that EVERYBODY is doing something different in college. Red hair, blue hair, green hair, no hair -- in college, nobody cares! (This is being shared from the personal experience of going thru undergrad bald!) I have also had the same experience with my own mother telling me to cover up -- and believe me, whenever she has done that it has always led to some memorable fights! I remain convinced to this day that she is ashamed of my alopecia because it doesn't fit into her image as "the perfect mom" -- somehow seeing all these girls with their long luxurious locks and then seeing me bald as an egg just makes it look like she did something wrong and she can't live with that. At any rate, just do what makes you feel most comfortable -- your time to let it all hang out will come in due course!!
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Comment by Brandy Forsch on April 7, 2008 at 12:54pm
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I have to say that I am sooo much like you!! I however did wear wigs in school and I have to for my 9-5 job but as soon as I am off I am takign my hair off and putting on my do rag ( I like to call it). I think I have one of every color to amtch what I am wearing. I would much rather go around with it on myhead then anything or nothing at all!! I am 29 yrs old and I have had AU since I was in middle school. I am married and have 2 boys of my own. trust me it will get easier with time and you know something you will never feel ashamed beacuse this is the way God made you and there is a special reason why and you will find out in time!! I can say I also care about what others think about me but as I get older I have realized that no matter if I have hair or not, they will like me of rme and not my hair or the lack of hair!! LOL.
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Comment by François on June 8, 2008 at 9:20am
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Kristen you know i went through a lot of things similar to you except for the wig personnaly it was a baseball cap but not anymore.
I can really relate to what you are saying.
Don't quite keep on working on it...YOU ARE NOT ALONE !!!
Keep your head up !
François
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