More about me!!!

I'm a walking contradiction of sorts. When I was growing up, I was very comfortable with my alopecia, and got to the point that I would voluntarily shave my hair because I liked the weightlessness and comfort of not having to do my hair every day. However, I have noticed that especially in the last 3 years that I range more from occasional bouts of self-pity to just being all out enraged about the fact that I am 30 years old and I am still dealing with alopecia. Every time I start a new job, or transfer departments, or the seasons change; whenever I have to deal with anyone in management about my hair loss and what I choose to cover my head with I get enraged, because it shouldn't matter what I cover my head with, as long as I am comfortable. I get rebellious, because I don't give a damn whether or not anyone is comfortable around me and my round head. But then at the same time, I get self-conscious, because I have lost boyfriends because of my alopecia, and as a result I have a very hard time opening up in relationships, because I can never tell if they want me for me or because they feel sorry for me.

I will say this though: Alopecia, while it has made me more vulnerable, has also strengthened me in so many other ways. My grandmother and my parents always pushed me to excel, and to also make myself more outgoing and smarter than everyone else, so that when you hear my name, the first thought you have is "the real friendly person" or "the real smart girl", not "the bald girl/woman I know".

Does anyone else feel conflicted like this??? Please comment and share your experiences!!!

Views: 12

Comment by Solange on March 12, 2008 at 11:40pm
Yup - you're preaching to the choir here sister!!!
Comment by Emily on March 15, 2008 at 10:27am
Wow..it's like you're describing my experience exactly! When I was younger, I just don't think I realized or registered how different I was. I would go along with what my parents were telling me - "stare back when other people stare at you", "you're no different from others, you just have no hair", "you're so strong and confident". I wasn't as aware as I am now of what others might be thinking about me, or the ways people were treating me. As I've gotten older, I am so much more aware of these things and so struggle every time I meet a new person, or enter a new environment, or even step outside my apartment. I feel that the blind confidence I had as a child is slowly beng chipped away. I'm still trying to hold on as much as I can, but it can feel like a huge blow to realize how much more challenging things are now that I'm 29. I also feel that no matter how hard I try to be the "smart girl" or the "nice girl", I'm always the "bald girl" - for better or for worse...I think we just need to keep sharing our experiences and supporting one another...
Comment by Steve on March 18, 2008 at 1:03pm
Hi YoKosta, I received your welcome this morning when I got home from work. Thanks. I have never done any communicating over the internet but this site does have me interested. I really like the personal site that you have. I personally wouldn't know where to begin to set one up like this so you are talented.
I have read one of your posts and I know what you are saying exactly. When I was younger and had lost my hair for the last time at the ripe old age of 11 I had
well intentioned friends who would comment on my insecurity and say "you shouldn't feel that way."
Well of course I didn't want to feel that way but how on earth do you control feelings. I listened to a woman one time who was conducting as assertiveness training seminar and she said something that I thought was interesting at the time. She said feelings are not always rational. In fact they can be quite irrational at times. Like remember when you were really young and maybe you were afraid of the dark. Is that rational? With age we can see that it is usually irrational. I sometimes think that with us Alopecians (by the way I love that & learned it from this site) our feelings are amplified more than others. Why wouldn't they be? I have had people point out my difference for most of my life. It gets tiresome. There aren't a lot of people out there who have to continually explain themselves the way that we do.
I will cut this short as I have other things to do.
You, YoKosta, are the first person I have communicated with over the internet (besides technicians) and it was kinda fun! Take care.
from Steve (the old-new Alopecian)
Fair Oaks, Calif.

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