(September 9, 2005)

The Bhagavad Gita is the account of Prince Arjuna's despair. He is told to fight and kill his relatives who stand on the opposing side even though he does not want to. He is angry about life and about what he is told he has to do. Arjuna is upset over the unfairness in life, so he lays down his weapons and starts to wail over the injustice presented before him. As much as he does not want to kill, he must. There is nothing he can do to change the situation, which adds to his confusion and anger. He asks his chariot driver Krishna, who is the reincarnation of Vishnu, to be his guru, and to guide him through what seems to be a hopeless situation. As Arjuna weeps and moans, Krishna, before answering, only smiles. Krishna's smile is not one of amusement over Arjuna's despair; it is a smile of compassion. Krishna understands the bigger picture and does not linger on tragedy. He is aware of his real Self and is living out of Atman. His smile is the same as Buddha's omniscient smile, a smile that can be recognized outside of Eastern Traditions, such as in Frodo Baggins' smile of peace at the end of The Lord of the Rings: the Return of the King and in John Locke's smile of tremendous knowledge in the television show Lost. However, despite Krishna's sympathy, Arjuna is ready to give up.

It is hard to tell yourself to let go of the little things sometimes when it is those small events that can leave you feeling depressed. Back in fifth grade, I lost all of my hair. To this day, nothing has changed. I wake up every morning, put on a wig, and come to school. The only thing that has changed is my attitude. Initially, I chose to lay down my boy and cry. I wanted to give up. When I reached high school, I encountered people who saw the bigger picture and who saw that one simple setback should not overcome my entire life. I stepped back, looked at that picture, and realized that it really did not matter. In the long run, losing my hair does not change who I am. I met people who smiled at me and understood what I did not: That it does not matter and it does no good to surrender. I wear a wig on my head to give the illusion of appearing "normal." Similarly, we are all living an illusion. We are all hidden by maya--by a name and a body. Inside, I am Atman. You are Atman. We are all Atman, and yet, there is only one Atman, and it always remains, even if the maya, the illusion, dies.

Truthfully, the idea of Atman confused me at first, maybe because I was over thinking the idea, or maybe because I just was not thinking at all. Although it is becoming clearer to me, I still do not fully understand. Then again, maybe that is why Atman is a great mystery: We are not meant to fully understand it, but we can still be aware of it. To be living out of Atman, like Krishna does, is to be living fully, to understand our true Self.

Despair, like Arjuna's, can be felt by anybody, anywhere, anytime. It can come in many forms. For some, it comes in form of hurricans or war. For me, it came in the form of a sickness. On a lower level, I can choose to mope and give in to my ego, which may only add to the bad karma already in existence. But on a higher level, I can stop living an illusion, step back and see the bigger picture, and smile.