Afraid

So... I can admit to myself and will now admit to someone else, that my focus on the treatment, triggers, diet for my daughter is in part, just a way for me to push the emotion out of it. As I sit here by myself with the rest of the family in bed, I feel so stupid for crying but lately, I can't make the feeling go away. I don't want to mess it up. I really don't.

I'm just so afraid. Afraid that my unconditional love won't be enough. Afraid that I'm going to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing or just simply miss the mark. I don't know why I'm doubting myself as a parent so much at the moment but I feel... pressure. Is that the right word? Just monumental pressure. The day is coming soon, I know, when this beautiful, spunky 3 &1/2 year old love of my life is going to start asking me questions. Do I wait for those questions? Do I bring it up now?

I know it's so important to give our kids the tools to be self confident, independent. I think it's twice as important for her to have those tools. I want her to be tough, to really believe it's the beauty within that matters, with or without hair, to realize that she has a responsibility to this world, to make it better, to contribute. I want her to believe in herself - her wonderful, perfect self.

Yet, I want to wrap my arms around her and smother her with love - like I want to love her so much that she won't feel any hurt.

When I'm making appointments with doctors, I hear her saying, 20 years from now "All my Mom cared about was getting my hair to grow back, it was doctor after doctor, treatment after treatment." When I pull back, hand it over to God and focus on dancing around the kitchen with her in our pjs, I hear her saying, 20 years from now "I wish my mom had tried to do more, help me, researched the latest treatments, cared as much as I do."

So... I just feel stuck, unsure. I hope I can get it right guys, I really do. Because I want to get it right so badly and I know how important it is. I'm sorry for blabbering on, just having a bad night I guess. SO DUMB, the rational part of me knows that - sitting here crying about what might happen, what I might do wrong - paralyzed with fear. Arggg... Thanks for listening, truly, it's been a real blessing to have found this site and the incredible people on it.

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Comment by Bald and Fabulous AKA Terri on September 2, 2010 at 1:02am
As a 35yr old who has grown up with alopecia ( since I was 8yrs old) all I can tell you is this. My mom had me going to doctors, trying this, trying that. Trying desperately trying to "fix" me. Even buying my first wig. With her and me not knowing what was happening. I know deep within me that what she was really doing was trying to help me, love me and protect me.
Dont doubt yourself. Whatever you decide Dont doubt yourself. Your daughter knows she is loved and you are just doing your best. At 3 1/2 give her whatever answers she can understand. Have the information out there available for her when she is older and just love her.
Comment by Tamara on September 2, 2010 at 10:37am
Being her mother and just being there for her and helping her along is all that matters. Im 25 and just going through this and it hurts my mom more than it hurts me. She saw me go from beautiful long hair to short thin hair and we've always been "the family with nice hair". Im shaving my head this saturday and she told me she can't promise she won't cry. My mom has been on me about making appointments and going and trying to find a cure. I finally had to tell her enough is enough, I have dealt with too much sickness in me and in the family in the past 3 years that I just can't do it to myself anymore. I know all she wants is the best for me, thats what all parents want for their children. Like Terri said, just love her and be her rock to lean on when she gets older and it gets harder for her to deal with. My mom is now all about buying me scarves and is trying to talk me into a wig, and shes going with me to get my eyebrows tattooed on. This is really hard not only for the person going through it, but the family as well. I know there is a HUGE difference between her 3 1/2 years and my almost 26, but a mom is a mom, and all you can do it love her and teach her and help her along the way, and ALWAYS stand behind her like my mother has.
Comment by Tallgirl on September 6, 2010 at 10:14am
Someone early on told my parents that the secret to parenting is this: Support each individual child in whatever is his or her favorite passion or hobby, strength or interest. Then he or she will love you for it.
My family ended up with a visual artist/communicator, a musical/scientific sibling, and a nature-loving track gal. We each ended up finding professions that involved at least one main interest, because we already had that experience and those connections. My parents ignored the alopecia, and let me roll on the art and education as if I had no limits. They got me the wigs and suggested lipstick and contacts at 17 (I was basically The Dateless Wonder), but mostly encouraged the academic and free-time pursuits that would make me a whole person. Maybe they even saw my interests after school as becoming a therapy for me...to keep my mind OFF the alopecia. It worked.

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