About a year ago I'd say, I decided to finally do what I've always wanted to do. I was getting myself in shape, running for miles, eating healthy, taking the right college courses. On the ball, no I was THE BALL. So, me and my friend we're going to do it, we had waited till the next class came around to take it together.

It's a big commitment and I was ready. Oh hell yea I was ready, I couldn't wait for the discipline to come down and smack me hard across the face and get me in to top shape! It was almost a little over 6,345 dollars, I slaved (yes I mean slaved not saved), I earned it. I got that money saved up plus more because I knew I would have to buy the uniform and other things, still to this day I have no idea how I got that much money saved up when I was like 21, 22 years old.

So, my friend had dropped out at the last minute, she was chicken shit. The ride up to the campus was only about 20 minutes, but wow, it felt like it took hours. I find it, there it is... I'm ready.

I was signing up for the Police Academy. I had a goal, my family for once was supportive and proud, my friends could really see me in that field, but more than anything that's what I wanted. I've wanted to become a Police Officer since I was little. When I was about 6, teachers you know would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, back then I had a speech problem and couldn't say "R"s and so I would smile and yell out "A police Guuuuullll"

And today was that day. I had nice clothes on, I had my folder ready. I memorized police codes, I knew that P.E. you had to run so many miles in so many minutes, I had to lift a certain amount of weights so fast, so far, I knew it all.

I get up to the counter and tell the woman that I would like the applications to becoming an officer of the law. She smiles and hands me the papers. She tells me when registration begins, when to pay tuition, when to go where, and finally she asks about my health.

I told her I have asthma but I've played many sports when I was young, soccer, softball, volleyball, tennis, and basketball. Then she looks at my head, and asks politely if I shaved my head, I said "yes ma'am, technically I did but I have Alopecia."

And then this right here folks, this is when my life dropped out. This is what set me off, this moment right here. To this day it eats me from the inside out. I walked around for weeks maybe even months in a daze. It was taken away from me with a snap of a finger.

I remember when I got home that day, I had a mission to destroy myself. I drank till I could no longer taste anything, I smoked too packs of cigarettes in one night, I got into fist fights that night, I got thrown out of a bar, I wanted to destroy everything, I punched a hole in my wall, I broke a knuckle on each hand, drunk out of my mind I screamed at my friend to punch me in the face, they were drunk too and decided to go along with it, I kicked in my bedroom door and broke it off the hinges, my parents threw me out of the house, I passed out on a park bench that night. (It sounds like I remember all that, I don't, I woke up a broken person literally, physically, mentally broken. I had blacked out and my friends and family told me what happened.)

Rewind.

So, the lady looks at me confused. "I'm sorry miss what is Alopecia?" I told her what it was and at the end of it there was a long pause.

"I'm so sorry, but they will not accept you into the program, no natural or unnatural diseases. I'm so sorry, I really am, I am so sorry, it says it on our website, our hand out manual, and on medical papers. I feel so bad, I'm so sorry."

Shock.

I beg the lady, no no no you don't understand it just basically makes me loose all my hair nothing else. You know what we don't even have to mention this is the medical files. Come on lady you don't understand, this is where I was supposed to go, this is what I am supposed to do with my life. You don't understand please I am begging you, I am, please, you have to let me in, you don't understand how much this means to me in my life.

Recalling this memory.... brings back a lot of feelings, I am crying now but I will go on, because shit that happens to you in your life and the way your respond to it defines who you are.

So, on with the story.

I remember driving home screaming out my window. Not the "Oh why God is this happening?" I wasn't in the state of mind for asking for help or strength or anything, I had completely snapped. My scream was a roar of blind rage. I wanted to burn the place down, I wanted to hurt as many people as I could as well as myself.

Alopecia, Asthma, and other medical problems had screwed me over. She seemed completely fine with the other medical problems but as soon as Alopecia was mentioned she had then made up her mind it seemed.

I should have followed her home, waited till she fell asleep and then cut off all her hair.

Thanks Alopecia, you got me good this time, you got me. And you still get to me everyday I wake. Every breath I take. You never make me feel anything positive. If anything you make me feel weak, a freak, ugly, you make me want to destroy myself. Yep. Alopecia got me good. I hate you with every passion I have, every fiber in my body, I want my life back. I want my hair back. I want my confidence back. I want happiness again.

People say they have come to love their baldness or similar things like that. I envy them, I do.

This blog has actually made me physically tired. I am sorry I am such a debbi downer.

Peace and Chicken grease, hallelujah holla back.

Suzie