Wow, that last blog got you people all raged up! Trust me, I hear you loud and clear. UPDATE! I talked to my uncle who is a cop and went to the same academy that I was originally going to go to. He told me it was ridiculous and that he was going to talk to whoever was in charge etc etc. So, I'm a little nervous because um yea it's been a year since I was ready. I'm not ready now... I blew threw that money so fast it would make your head spin. Actually when I found out I couldn't go I planned a week trip for my parents to go to Ireland, they turned it down, so I spent it all on God knows what. And of course now, I'm out of shape.

Let's move on. So, now I'm going to blog about what happened last weekend, instead of doing my homework, because I just came home from an 11hour shift and then just did 3 hours of homework and now I need to unwind before working tomorrow and then going to school till 10pm.

So, I got to the club early about 10 minutes early. I stake it out to see what was shaking. It seems pretty busy. Good. I look to see where the other shot girls are, and then the ball drops...

One girl is practically giving a guy lap dance to sell half her tray and the other is on the bar letting young guys take shots off her body. Grrrreeeaaaat. Suddenly newbie is standing next to me and says, "Oh wow, looks like we're going to have some competition tonight." I turn to her and smile. We make a deal that we'll look after each other tonight. I don't mind, she's nice. I go towards the bar with newbie trailing behind me. We collect our trays and start the night. I immediately go to the VIP section, when I see Mr. Lonely sitting on the couch. I smirk, nice Hawaiian t-shirt buddy. His arms were out stretched over the couch. I go over to him and ask if he wants a shot. Now, when one girl is giving lap dances for shots and the other is using her body, what the hell do I have that will entertain these piranhas? Specially when everyone sees the other girls, they are waiting to see what me and newbie have to offer. Plus it means there is all these people are here but no ones spending money which is why these girls are going to such extreme measures.

Mr. Lonely agrees to buy a shot from me. I kneel down, setting my tray on the table in front of him. My face is at his knee level. I take a single test tube put it in mouth and lean my head back. He slowly comes towards me and kisses my neck and then grabs the shot in his mouth. With one fluid motion he flicks his head back and downs the shot, while his hands rest motionlessly on my shoulders. I chuckle, "Good boy." I get up and thank him as he puts the money in my garter. Then to my right I hear, "Come on baby give me a lap dance and I'll buy your whole tray of shots! If you won't then send that other girl, I know she'll do it!" I look over and see newbie trying to fight him off. I think to myself, come on girl, the night just started!! I tell Mr.Lonely to stay still, don't move I'll be right back. I leave my tray with him and start to walk over. Now, I left my full tray of shots with him not because I trusted him, but because if stuff hit the fan I didn't need my tray on floor leaving me to still owe the bartenders, I rather the guy steal a couple than be out 100 bucks. I walked up to them and yelled out above the music, "Girly girl, boss man wants to see you in his office PRONTO!" She looks up at me and mouths 'thank you'. He caught that. Then she takes off like a bat out of hell.

Haha, uh um, we we're supposed to leave together!!! Ok, I wasn't calling you out so I could tag myself in!! It's called the buddy system!!!

As I stare at the back of her head in shock of what just happened, I feel a sweaty hand on my wrist. I look at him startled, he twists my wrist hard. I yelp, as my knees bend out of instinct. Mr. Lonely sees this and jumps up to my aid. "Hey dude get your hands off of her! She didn't even do anything to you! Dude I said STOP!"

The man smiles at me, he's drunk. He throws my arm back at me, and stands up in a furry. Mr. Lonely stands his ground. Oh boy... Security... Where are you security... paging security.... Finally I see one. I dash over to him as I still hear the two men yelling profanity at each other. I almost tackled the security man. I stamper out of breath, "Fight.... there's... about... to.. be a... fight... guy in... Hawaiian shirt...!"

Security man looks up, his eyes flash and now he's on the hunt. He then sees Mr. Lonely and the other guy getting too close and screaming at each other. As me and security man make our way over, I see the guy shove Mr. Lonely. Then I see Mr. Lonely point his finger at him calling him every name in the book. Security man then grabs the other guy by the back of the neck and gets in his face. I slide pass them and stand next to Mr. Lonely. As we watch the commotion going on in front of us, out of instinct I grab Mr. Lonelys' hand. We interlock fingers. The other man is finally forced and kicked out of the club. Security man comes back to check if I was ok. I give him the low down on what happend, he then shakes Mr. Lonelys' hand, thanks him, and tells him to have a good night. We sit down and start to ramble off, "Thank you. No, no thank you. No problem, your welcome. No thank you really, it's cool."

We start to laugh, it sounded so rehearsed. You know when your like six years old at the candy store, staring down that lollipop and the manager gives it to you and tells your mom it's on him. She nudges you and says, "Now what do we say to that nice man?" You in your monotone voice, "thhhhhaaannnnk yooooou."

Then I realize.... we're still holding hands. He lowers his head and starts to mumble. I let go of his hand and look at him like, 'uh are you talking to me or the table' look. He becomes louder and clears his throat, "Ugh so I was just saying you know it's up to you if you wanted to like ugh come back to my place, I'm not saying you owe me or anything. I mean we could exchange numbers and like uh hang out sometime you know, like friends." ........really...... you want me to go over your place after the club closes at 2am to what... be friends? yea..... After he's done doing his little speech, I tell him I don't give out my cell phone to people at the club for safety reasons. He gets the hit and shrugs it off. I'm glad I didn't hurt his feelings, I hope he doesn't take it personally.

Mr. Lonely then tells me he wants another shot. I grab him the one he wants from the tray and bring it in front of him. He shakes his head and points down. Dang. Again I kneel down and put the shot in my mouth and lean my head back. Again he grabs it in his mouth, put this time he pauses.... a long time.... he stares into my eyes as both our mouths are on the test tube. Awkward. Time to leave, I let him know if he wants another to flag me down. Boss man comes up to me and gently puts his hand on my back, "Hey girl I need you to check on the bathrooms." Now.... checking on the bathrooms is probably the WORST part of this job. I go to the bathroom and pound on all the stalls and yell, "Stop doing lines! One per stall! Yea, I don't care one per stall!" In a flash it's done, usually it takes awhile to do because of all the crazy crap that goes on in there, which is good because I hate breaking up that stuff and getting crap for it. Once I got a knife pulled on me, but that's a whole new story.

As soon as I make it back to the bar to receive my tray the cops walk in. Ok, now the clicker has three responsibilities.
1) Click the clicker every time a person comes in so we can keep track how many people are in the club so we don't go over the fire marshall's limit.
2) When cops come in tell the door people to stop letting people in. The clicker and the door man work side by side.
3) Let the boss man know the cops are here while the door man holds them at the door for a couple minutes.

The clicker guy did none of these. He told the police he lost his clicker, violation. Two the door man and the clicker guy let people in as the cops were coming in. Three boss man was not notified. When police come numerous things have to happen. The number one rule is that no drinks will be served while the cops make their rounds. It is illegal to sell someone alcohol if they are obviously intoxicated. While cops circle around the staff usually tries to find these "obviously intoxicated" people and kick them out. So there they are walking around, watching, staring, searching. Then an extremely drunk girl comes out of no where and pukes on the floor. I hear crisp loud snap of a finger. I look up and it's boss man, I am closest to her. He points down and gives the look, 'take care of this' and so I hurry over to her and basically carry her into the bathroom. I rub her back and try to comfort her as I hold her hair in my other hand (which is an extremely weird feeling to have someone else hair in your hand when you really haven't felt hair in over two years). I call her a cab and send her on her way. As the cab peels off, the cops are behind me telling me have a goodnight. Nice, now I can get back to work.

As I walk back into the club I see Mr. Lonely wave me down. I go over there and he buys a couple more shots. He scoots closer to me and asks, "Dance for me?" hahah what? Now there is a huge difference in this situation between the words "for" and "with". I'm praying he said with. I smile and ask him, "I'm sorry what was that? I couldn't hear you, it's soooo loud in here don't you think?" He then starts talking about how clubs are too loud especially when you want to get to know someone. I nod and then nod again like I care or know what he's talking about.

My mind wanders...

He's a nice guy. He's young. We're probably the same age. I should be working, but there's something I like about him. Maybe I'm just a girl who thinks I'm not worthy of anyone's love which is why I put myself in these positions because I like the attention. Maybe it makes me feel better about myself because I have no hair and I think I'm ugly. Maybe it is because of the money, well it is but that's not the whole reason. Maybe I'm searching for love just like Mr. Lonely. Was he really searching for love? Or maybe he was just searching to love someone for one night. Maybe it's because I'm in love with the night life, the loud music. Money. Success. Fame. Glamour. He puts his arm around me, and I lean in towards him. Again, he's nice I give him instant gratification by leaning in and then after a minute I get up and say my goodbyes.

He asks if he offended me. I told him no, but honestly he did earlier, but the lines are so gray with Mr. Lonely. My head hurts. He helped me yet he thought I owed him so I should go back to his house, but he's so gentle and kind. I hate getting close. I hate when situations force you to show your real self to people. I hate when they look into your eyes and you can tell they are reading everything... I get nervous. Can he read me?

Being a waitress and a shot girl you think.... you serve, you get your money, you leave. Dang I wish it was that easy, really I do. But you start to form friendships and you start to get to know each other, and the lines become blurred.

Snap out of it. I got a long day tomorrow. I need to focus on that math test I'm going to fail. Ugh I stress way to much. I probably don't have Alopecia it's probably my dumbass stressing to much. Anyways....

I just wanted to thank you all. I thank you for giving me support. I thank you for your comments on my blogs. I thank you for being there and reading about my life. I really hope you enjoy and get inspired by it. It's hard to sometimes connect through this screen on your computer, but please believe me when I say thank you. I especially want to thank the people who have came out and told me "wow you really hit home for me" I glad I am not alone. No, you are not alone, for you saying that to me means the world to me. When other people go home take their showers, brush their teeth, brush their hair and lay down to sleep, we are still here. We think about what we have everyday. We might think we are blessed, we might think we are cursed, but we are here aren't we?

Live your life. Hug your kids. Fail your math tests. Thank your parents. Laugh with your friends. Love who you love. Rub your bald head. Smile in the mirror. Blast your music. Feel the cold winter breeze and shiver. Embrace the sun when it comes out.

I will learn to conquer you Alopecia. You have brought me down. But I refuse to let you pin me down. I refuse to let you take over. I'm stronger than that, I'll show you. I've shown you before, I still go to bars, school, my jobs. I will not let you win, I will pull through. You will not ruin me. You will not ruin me. You will not ruin me.