Comment by Margeaux on October 15, 2009 at 4:19pm

First of all...you're not a bummer or "too much" in your moment of "complaining". This crap really sucks. You need to be compassionate with yourself...of course you hate it and wish things were different who wouldn't. Having said that, AA has totally inflamed not only the skin on my scalp, but old wounds of anxiety and depression. I keep telling myself that I have to put into practice the knowledge that others will be there for me and that I can ask for what I need despite how powerfully painful my emotions might be. You can't do this alone.

Comment by Margeaux on October 22, 2009 at 10:36pm

I guess I just wanted to follow up. I have been thinking a lot about your question of how to maintain a positive attitude. Initially it was important for me to not beat up on myself for having feelings of rage and depression. In a way to normalize my experience of sadness and pain. When I sat with my pain I realized that what was most troublesome for me was the pain I felt around feeling powerless-ness. I like how you called AA a "mysterious disease." It's so true. There is not much one can do about it, which is a horrible feeling. Once I hit rock bottom, I realized that this was an old feeling in which I have worked through before. Understanding this parallel made me feel calm and less anxious. I also realized how I was often divided against myself in the past. I never want to be hopeful about things or need from other people because I didn't want to set myself up for what I thought was an inevitable disappointment. Well AA equalized that notion right away. Friends and family stepped up in ways that were so amazing and loving. I remember thinking how blind I had been to the love that was all around me. I felt reborn and awakened. I realized how I had limited myself in my own self-criticism. I suddenly how much I used to attack myself and that actually I was a loved beautiful woman. This realization was of course during a time that I felt disfigured by the loss of my hair. It was an intense paradox to hold in my mind and spirit. I can't let AA or myself prevent me from realizing what I do have. This is a hard mantra to maintain at times and I would love to have more dialogue with you on how we both can learn how to cope with this (mentally that is). : }

Comment by Paul on October 22, 2009 at 11:50pm

i find that my hobbies keep me in the positive, playing drums, listening to music, going to concerts, sometimes i get so wrapped up in the moment that i actually forget i have alopecia and it keeps me very positive.

Comment by kimberly dean on October 23, 2009 at 1:08am

Thanks for the feeback. The thing is my mental crap isn't linked to the alopecia very much, I have been this way since befored alopecia and it really gets me down.
You are right Paul about practising hobbies. I love to sing and write songs and after I've done this I can't help but feel good about myself and who I am. The trick for me is to not let doubt, anxiety and laziness get in my way of achieving happiness. it's all about being positive and staying activiely involved in life.
Last night I was making love woth my boyfriend and we were having a beautiful time and I told him I wish I had hair on my head for him. he told me not to be silly or something along those lines in a way that souinded like he couldn't believe I had just said what I said. That was kind of profound to me in retrospect, because I think he was genuinely taken aback that I would think he was feeling or thinking anything other than that I am beautiful. So, yes, that was lovely.
I am still very self conscious about my bald head. Mainly because it is not evenly bald, I have a short fuzz of mohawk hair down the middle. I am probably going to get the razor out again soon so its even for a couple of days.
I am slowly gwtting to understand that the majority of people are not going to judge or critisize me for my lack of hair. My ego is the only thing stopping me.
Take care Paul and Margeaux and once again thankyou for your advice, chat soon, kimberly
xoxo

Comment by Mary on October 23, 2009 at 1:34am

As Paul says, focus on the things you love, and the things that make you happy. I've been working out more, and doing what I can to feel healthier.

I taught my dance class this morning, bald as usual, then went out to a restaurant with some of the class. No one seemed to notice - and if they did, somehow I really don't care any more. Sometimes I feel self-conscious about my head, but most of the time, I don't think about it.

Comment by Mary on October 25, 2009 at 1:11am

Yes, how we treat other people is so important.

Comment by Margeaux on October 27, 2009 at 7:27pm

Okay Kim...Pretty excited about this. I just watched a piece on Oprah where she interviewed Montel Williams regarding his struggle with MS. It was completely inspiring and made me feel a renewed sense of empowerment. You should check it out. It's on You Tube under Montel Williams

Comment by Mary on October 27, 2009 at 8:18pm

Thanks, Margeaux. Here's someone else I found very inspiring and wrote a blog about - Michael J. Fox:

http://www.alopeciaworld.net/profiles/blogs/inspirational-words-from

Comment by kimberly dean on November 10, 2009 at 6:08pm

Thanks Daniel. You are spot on, positive affirmations and acting on our positive beliefs is integral to feeling happiness. I am slowly getting there I think. Lack of Motivation is often a key factor in my inability to achieve the happiness I desire, but I like to tell myself when I'm feeling unmotivated that thinking about doing something is a lot harder than actually doing it.

Comment by Marie on March 22, 2010 at 12:39am

I appreciate your struggles with depression and anxiety. I suffer from manic-despresion (or bi-polar disorder if you like). Before I lost my hair I was suicidal. I could not get out of bed. Then my husband died. Then my hair fell out. I was losing my mind and I thought I would die. I really didn't understand anymore how people stayed alive, how they found the strength to keep living. Then I got counseling and medication. My God! The cloud began to slowly lift, I began to know what peace and hapiness really feel like. I can tell you that I don't ever want to be in that dark, dark place again! I fight the monsters tooth and nail when they rear their ugly heads. Positive thoughts are my best weapon. I remind myself that the depression is not my life, it's not real. It's just chemicals running around my brain, and it will pass. Sometimes depression makes me think I'm nothing but a miserable failure. But I don't listen to those thoughts! I am a huge believer in positive thinking because the positive thoughts are the ones I generate and control; they are way more powerful than the negative ones. Even with meds and counseling, we still have to do the mental work or living.

Just thought I'd share. Keep the faith!

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