Comment by Dedi on April 7, 2015 at 5:17pm

Thx everyone! It's weird...I seem so confident and vibrant until I think about the hair issue!!!

Comment by Ilaria Di leo on April 7, 2015 at 6:54pm

I would tell him right away! If you dont he will feel mislead.

Comment by Pyewackit on April 7, 2015 at 7:12pm

My alopecia hit when I was 21.  I dealt with a lot of rejection at that point, both from casual friends and my then-current romantic partner.  I threw myself into work and stopped dating, thinking that I was going to spend y life as a spinster.  Fast forward 5 years; I've gotten used to my condition, but the majority of people I tell about my hair (or lack of), back away.  I was talking with a guy I'd met online (in a text-based RPG, if that matters), and, when things started getting more than friendly and he wanted to visit me, I just told him. 

"Look," I said. "I have a disease that made all my hair fall out.  I don't know if it'll ever come back." 

"That's okay," he told me.  "I have a disease that'll likely have me blind before I'm 60."

We agreed to meet.  Six months later, we were married.  It's been 15 years, and I think it's people's reactions to my baldness rather than the baldness itself that affects him.

Moral of the story (aka, TL;DR): Tell him.  The good guys, the ones who're real and mature, and not stupid, ego-driven little boys will love you and support you, hair or not.

Hope that helps, and good luck!

Comment by Anne Brenda on April 7, 2015 at 7:29pm

If you jump the gun and it doesn't last it will be a loss, but not because you jumped the gun. It would be because he can't handle it, period. But if he's okay with it, then you can relax and enjoy and develop the relationship rather than being preoccupies and concerned about protecting your "secret." Wishing you success!

Comment by SouthPAW on April 7, 2015 at 8:28pm

Hello Dedi..! I have been through this. I met a guy in DECEMBER 2014. I asked my dermatologist who was treating me. He said tell the guy the truth in the beginning...before you get too emotionally involved. If he likes you it wouldnt matter. I told my friend about my wig, which I call my "girlfriend".Lol... we are still dating...! If you care to talk privately my email address PAW054@aol.com.

Comment by leah on April 7, 2015 at 8:49pm

Hi Dedi,

I hear you this is hard one, I've still struggled with when is best. I do think it good to wait little but than better than emo too bond and be hurt if he freaks about. Is true sign of how someone is how they are about, I have gone with guys though that was totally cool about and than when he say without he kept talking about how his sister had cancer. Ugh!! one first date wtih a guy and we went to comedy show where everone was quiet in the audience and were with his friends and he starts touching my hair. I tried pull away from him but he was getting. Was so awkward so later I told him and now he avoids me at work. Is delivery guy. I think maybe next time or two you see him tell him, try something light bout how it is real hair and you can mix up! Best of luck and if feel comfortable please keep me posted, etc. Thx

Comment by leah on April 7, 2015 at 8:49pm

PS appreicate what others are saying too...

Comment by SouthPAW on April 7, 2015 at 8:57pm

It is a struggle... but I would rather be truthful with MYSELF...FIRST! Stand in your truth.... My spiritual belief is strong...and helps me through it. There is a lesson for all of us who struggle with it...

Comment by Debbi Fuller on April 7, 2015 at 8:59pm

Debbi’s Third Date Rule!  Here's my time tested and BEST advice - if you haven't already seen it.

 

For those of you who are dating and don’t know how to broach the subject of your alopecia with a new person, this is my BEST ADVICE.  You tell them on the third date, without fail!  When you go on a first date with someone, you’re just checking them out and seeing if they are worth getting to know.  You definitely should not be getting so close that they need to know about your hair – right?  Second date, YOU are evaluating THEM for possible future relationship material.  Ask all the right questions, find out if they are good to their Moms etc.  If you both like each other enough to go on to that all-important third date, then it’s time to tell them about your alopecia.  For one thing, you don’t want them to put their hand on the back of your neck and be surprised that there’s an edge there, but, most importantly, if you wait longer, the alopecia becomes the elephant in the room.  You KNOW that you have to bring it up, but the longer you leave it, the more difficult it is to do.  If you let it go until you’re really involved and then the person can’t handle it, you feel devastated and miserable because you let yourself get close to someone who, in my opinion, is unworthy of you in the first place.  Now you need a shrink to get over the experience!  DON’T DO THAT.  Tell them on the third date.  That way, even if you get rejected, the most it takes to get over it is a glass of wine or two!  At that stage, you can say to yourself, “well, I’m sure glad I found out NOW that this person is so shallow that they can’t see me for the wonderful person I am.”  Anyone that is worthy of your love and affection needs to be able to cut the mustard.  Anyone who would not want to date you just because you have alopecia will disappear at the first sign of trouble on ANY front.  What would happen if you got seriously ill, say, breast cancer, and had to have a mastectomy?  He’d be out the door.  You want someone who will truly love YOU for who you are and won’t judge you if you gain a couple of pounds, wear glasses, have spider veins, a sagging butt, or alopecia!  The best people are the ones who see the real you, the person who is funny, caring, strong, hard-working – all those great qualities that you have!

 

As to how to broach the subject, don’t make a big deal about it.  Say something like, “by the way, before we go out again, I need to tell you that I wear a wig because I have a condition called alopecia areata.  Have you ever heard of it?”  If they say, yes, then get into a discussion of how and why and find out how much they know.  If they say, “no”, then tell them about it.  Tell them that you are totally healthy, that it is an autoimmune condition that only affects your hair, that one out of every 100 people will get the little round patches during their lifetimes, that you are just one of the lucky ones that got totalis!  Be funny, make sure that you don’t make it a big serious thing.  You’ll be able to tell by the way the discussion goes if the person can handle it or not.  If they can’t, no bid deal, there are plenty of better fish in the sea.  If they say, “no problem, your hair looks great!” then make another date!  

 

Finally, if you decide to continue seeing each other, don’t wait long before the ‘unveiling’.  Anyone that you continue to see will want you to be comfortable enough to take your hair off in front of them.  You want to be yourself, hair or no hair.  I know people who have been married and had children who never let their families see them without hair.  This makes your life very complicated and stressful when it doesn’t have to be.  You can wear your hair when you want to, and take it off when you don’t!  Everyone just adapts to it and after a while, they won’t even notice if you have hair on or not!  My husband never even notices when I change from long hair to short!  He volunteers me to take off my vacuum to show strangers my tattoos!!  That’s the kind of love and acceptance you deserve.  Don’t live your life in fear of people finding out.  Take the bull by the horns and SHOW them!  They’ll think you are great and if they don’t, you don’t need them in your life.  You are WORTH IT!!

 

Regards,

Debbi

Comment by SouthPAW on April 7, 2015 at 9:09pm

Good advice Debbi

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