Last night I went out to dinner with my husband and a friend with my head completely wrapped up in a scarf, as though I might not have any hair on my head.

Except, of course, I do still have hair on my head. So maybe it was weird to go public with my head wrapped?

Weird or not, I am glad I did. I have been wrapping my head up at home over the past few weeks, both as a means to cover my hair so I stop trying to look at it all the time in every reflective surface, and also because I am trying to show myself that the covering on my head does not need to affect my daily activity, routines, and functionality. Logically I know hair is just hair and not a useful organ. But by covering it up and pretending it is gone, I can really experience that my hair is not a vital part of who I am, and I begin to teach myself to let go of it.

I am sure there is some official psychological term for my actions. I recognize that deep down I am going through some sort of a “testing” phase, where I want to explore all the various options and possibilities for being without hair. I also want to test other people’s reactions to the possibilities too. Right now my biggest test subject is my husband. He is a wonderful guy, kind and sensitive and funny and a great partner, but I know that it is hard for him to image being married to a hairless woman as much as it is hard for me to imagine myself without hair. Part of these little experiments is to gauge his reaction, see how we can adjust, and teach both of us that my hair is immaterial to our relationship.

The more I think about alopecia in its many forms, and the more I engage in this forum, the more comfortable I am feeling about my options and my ability to adapt. I feel pretty good about going around in a scarf at home, and last night when I went out in public I did not inspire a single obvious reaction to my scarf. I myself felt a bit self-conscious. I wondered more than once if our friend thought I was weird (I have not told anyone about my hair loss, so I imagine he thought I was making a fashion statement). I got a feeling that my husband was a little bit weirded out by my choice (even through he very generously and supportively let me conduct the experiment as though it was no big deal, without questions or comments). I know I fidgeted with the wrap and remained aware of it the entire time we were out. It was an awareness much different than I have ever felt about my natural hair. I suppose that is to be expected.

But in the end, I feel just fine with the action. As I have been telling myself over and over, my hair does not contribute to or diminish the things I enjoy. Last night, head wrapped up in a scarf with the appearance of baldness, I was able to enjoy a delicious hamburger and fries. Hair did not affect my sense of taste or ability to enjoy my food. I was able to make jokes and tell stories and have good conversation. Hair did not affect my intelligence or personality or ability to engage with other. The server was friendly and courteous. I did not encounter harassment or rejection or discomfort from others. In the end, strangers remained strangers, friends remained friends, my husband still loved me, and I functioned just like Kate.

The experiment was a success.