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Feeling discouraged :-(
I don't really know what all I want to say. I just hope I articulate myself well enough. Lately I feel like I say all sorts of things, but its all jumbled up in my head. It makes sense to me when I say it, but not necessarily to others around me who hear it.
I only have one other blog post on here and its about my fingernails. I tried biotin for a few months and I didn't see a change so I stopped it. I actually had one thumbnail reverse itself on its own, but within 2 months it was screwed up all over again.
I should have guessed that was a sign that things could potentially get worse...Whenever my hair grew back as a kid, my immune system would strike back in a few months even worse than the previous episode.
My two index fingernails have always been fine surprisingly. Same with all my toenails. However, in the last few weeks one of my index fingers and a big toe are giving up the good fight. :_(
How much worse can this keep getting? I'm already self conscious about my fingernails as it is. I can explain away the baldness nowadays (sadly that wasn't the case as a kid/teen), but looking at disfigured nails is definitely not pleasing to the eye and sometimes brings on blunt comments in public settings that embarrass me even more about it :-(
My self esteem has suffered enough from this growing up. I've struggled hard to love myself and gain back some self respect. We all have our burdens to bear, but I'm always afraid to reach out to others when I need help. When I need encouragement. I have a history of severe depression and lately I feel like this condition (and other events in my life - both current and past that are surfacing bit by bit) are becoming too much to bear. I don't feel strong enough to deal with it. That isn't a suicidal threat by any means, but it does mean I just feel the weight of so much on me and it sucks.
I guess I'm just trying to reach out to people in various forms, even if I feel crappy, weak, or shameful in doing so...
I know there is no cure for this, and I have to accept the fact that I have a severe case of Alopecia. I know its not unique to me. It may not define me as a person. It may not cost me my life or health like other ailments, but its still so hard none the less as many of you know. I hate watching this happen to me and not being able to do anything about it.
Thanks for reading... I wish I didn't feel this way :-(
I only have one other blog post on here and its about my fingernails. I tried biotin for a few months and I didn't see a change so I stopped it. I actually had one thumbnail reverse itself on its own, but within 2 months it was screwed up all over again.
I should have guessed that was a sign that things could potentially get worse...Whenever my hair grew back as a kid, my immune system would strike back in a few months even worse than the previous episode.
My two index fingernails have always been fine surprisingly. Same with all my toenails. However, in the last few weeks one of my index fingers and a big toe are giving up the good fight. :_(
How much worse can this keep getting? I'm already self conscious about my fingernails as it is. I can explain away the baldness nowadays (sadly that wasn't the case as a kid/teen), but looking at disfigured nails is definitely not pleasing to the eye and sometimes brings on blunt comments in public settings that embarrass me even more about it :-(
My self esteem has suffered enough from this growing up. I've struggled hard to love myself and gain back some self respect. We all have our burdens to bear, but I'm always afraid to reach out to others when I need help. When I need encouragement. I have a history of severe depression and lately I feel like this condition (and other events in my life - both current and past that are surfacing bit by bit) are becoming too much to bear. I don't feel strong enough to deal with it. That isn't a suicidal threat by any means, but it does mean I just feel the weight of so much on me and it sucks.
I guess I'm just trying to reach out to people in various forms, even if I feel crappy, weak, or shameful in doing so...
I know there is no cure for this, and I have to accept the fact that I have a severe case of Alopecia. I know its not unique to me. It may not define me as a person. It may not cost me my life or health like other ailments, but its still so hard none the less as many of you know. I hate watching this happen to me and not being able to do anything about it.
Thanks for reading... I wish I didn't feel this way :-(
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Comment by Sarah Eisenhardt on October 14, 2010 at 1:23pm
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Comment by Devin on October 14, 2010 at 5:14pm
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Hang in there buddy! Ive been feeling the same lately. Hopefully we will become stronger people because of it.
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Comment by Molly Marie Blank on October 14, 2010 at 5:35pm
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Dear Maruf,
My name is Molly. I can totally relate. I have some hair on my head, but it's very thin. I'm getting he DCPC treatments once a week. DCPC is this liquid stuff that the doctor rubs on your head and it's suppose to create a rash on your head. The immune system will then attack the rash and leave the hair follicles alone.
My hair loss started in 3rd grade. I am the same in that each time it grew back it seemed to fall out faster.
It's okay to cry. It often helps us feel better.
I'm not sure if you believe in God... I personally do believe in God and the power of trusting in Him. I also believe that when we feel helpless, angry, and hate things we can give those things and feelings over to God. Giving all our junk to God helps us to have peace and not worry so much.
Fact: You have Alopecia and your nails are getting worse too.
False: The Alopecia defines you.
It is your character as a person that defines you. The only way I am able to cope with my Alopecia and the thought that I might lose all my hair is by believing that God made me this way and He made me beautiful.
No matter what you look like in your physical body, YOU are beautiful/handsome.
I hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Molly
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Comment by soniamarry on October 14, 2010 at 7:09pm
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I feel your pain, but just know that all of your friends are here to support you. Sometimes, you just need to vent a little and let it all out! :)
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Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on October 14, 2010 at 7:31pm
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Maruf, from the looks of your photo's you look like you have great friends and you like to have fun. None of that has to change, you just have to ensure that it doesn't. Don't act any differently than you did before. You have not changed! When I realized that, it was a life changer. I was able to take my place as a desirable woman,a viable employee and worthwhile human being worthy of everything that life had to offer.
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Comment by Bald and Fabulous AKA Terri on October 15, 2010 at 12:24am
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I feel your pain and I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Everything you are saying sounds all to familiar. Hang in there and stay strong. Remember life gives the biggest challenges to those that are strong enough to take it.
We are all here to listen and support you and never feel what you are feeling needs to be not told.
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Comment by letcia Parga on October 15, 2010 at 3:04am
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I sorry you feel that way it sucks to be depressed it damages me more then the actual alpoecia
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Comment by Maruf Hussain on October 16, 2010 at 9:59am
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Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. I cant begin to tell you just how helpful it has been for me in the few days that have passed since I wrote this blog. Thank you for letting me vent a little, while also caring for me and passing on your own words of compassion. I truly feel blessed
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